Mother, I HATE YOU

[findingreason]

Ugh,

My mother once again, walked past that fine line with me. So I was planning to do some stuff this weekend, and she comes up because its Halloween. All is dandy for a while, until I tell her I have some plans for the weekend. Well, she apparently regards me as stupid or something, because I want to go for a long ride on my bike. She says I need to know my route ahead of time before going and stuff, to avoid problems, by going with a car........I DON'T HAVE A CAR. I already talked it over with someone else and everything's good.

Now, that angered me a little, but I can understand her concern. Now, here's where she crosses the line. She gets into the subject at some point of the freedoms she let me have and stuff when I still lived with her family. She said she let me do 90% of what I wanted (lol, I had to hide a good percentage of stuff from her....), she didn't stop me from going to college, from doing this and that, moving in with my other SO or friend.......! She mentions it as if SHE has power to somehow say I CAN'T move in with another person when I am moved out of her and am on my own! She crossed the line with that one.

Then she comments on me destroying my life with other things, and she says I have a goal, and that I better think before doing something stupid (with her tone, I knew she was talking about my gender issues). She insists that I am going to destroy my life if I do this. WRONG!!!!

She also comes barreling in with another comment about me doing things to tick her off, and apparently that I am doing this to tick her off. Now this is bugging me a little bit, because I have plotted when angry other stuff to get at her, but I know my gender issues have nothing to do with it, but I keep thinking I'm psychotic and am doing this just to anger her.

She caught me when I was already on the edge of my gender issues, as I am at a holding point of whether to start HRT now or wait. I keep thinking I'm male and I can live this today and yesterday, that this is all not real, but that girl in me still comes along to let me know shes there, even if it's only every once in a while for a brief few seconds. But because my confidence was down, mom did NOT help it at all. I know if I was doing this to tick her off, I would have come soooo close to suicide so many times because I wasn't a girl in the past.

Sorry for the rant, please I'm looking for something to let me know I'm not off my rocker and am a sane human being. Cause right now I am in question of everything because of that witch and feel like I am a little bit of a psycho freak or something bent on revenge.   

[Sephirah]

Some parents say stuff like that. Especially when they no longer have the control over you living at home with them.

But if you know she's wrong, then why does her opinion affect you so much? Her views are just that, hers. She may be entitled to think whatever she wants, but she doesn't, and can't know you as well as you know yourself... and once you realise that fact, anything she says can be taken simply as the assumptions of someone with limited information looking in from the outside.

Don't let other people dictate how you think, what you do, and how you live your life. If you're old enough and responsible enough to live away from home then you're old enough and responsible enough to make your own choices. And if she doesn't respect that then it's her problem, not yours.

[findingreason]

But if you know she's wrong, then why does her opinion affect you so much? Her views are just that, hers. She may be entitled to think whatever she wants, but she doesn't, and can't know you as well as you know yourself... and once you realise that fact, anything she says can be taken simply as the assumptions of someone with limited information looking in from the outside.

Yeah, I know she is wrong with so many things about me, and well, other people for that fact. She takes what she sees, through a very narrow viewpoint, and makes a opinion/comment out of it that can often be way off base. And she doesn't see that in herself, at all.

Problem is, she was/still is a control freak (but blind of that fact), and she had manipulation over me, my views, my thinking for a long time, and I know it still affects me to this day. I'm thinking more for myself than I used to, but I still have many of her views stuck in my head that create havoc/doubt circles for me and just wreak havoc on me still. And it's not just on gender issues either, it's on many things in general with life.

I didn't have to hear her voice at all this summer, for 2 months, not once did I hear it. It was great. I need that again. I think it's time I start talking to her less, and missing her calls by chance too. I need to do this for my own sanity's sake.