=(

[Astral]

->-bleeped-<- is such a weird topic, such a weird feeling. I don't know why I feel this way, I doubt there is even a real reason to begin with. But still... it's engulfing every part of my being. I see myself as a young woman, and I'm completely fine with that... actually I'm kind of glad for being who I am. I take some pride in who I am. I just wish people could see me for who I am too. It's not about dressing up, or acting feminine (which I do like to do) for me... People will always look and judge and set that person under a certain set of things... this is inevitable because it's how the mind works. I don't like being judged but if they're going to do it... It would be nice if they could get it at least partially right.

Anyways, I think I might start horomones sometime and just continue living as male... even if I do develop "feminine features" and people begin to notice I don't really care anymore. As a matter of fact it sounds a little bit interesting.

[Nicky]

In an ideal world what would you like?

[Astral]

I honestly don't know =/. The majority of the time I believe that in an ideal world I would of been born a girl, but sometimes I think it's best that I wasn't. Hmm... I doubt myself maybe about 25% of the time. Which is too much I think.

[vanna]

Doubt and to question is very healthy.

Most Transgender folks will say i always knew or words to that effect but that same group will if being honest also tell you that they questioned themselves during their journey. I have questioned myself many many times but it has never put me off or stopped me from taking HRT.

Percentages are not that important as discovering the real you and running with that.

[Nicky]

I honestly don't know =/. The majority of the time I believe that in an ideal world I would of been born a girl, but sometimes I think it's best that I wasn't. Hmm... I doubt myself maybe about 25% of the time. Which is too much I think.

Perhaps too much to start something as significant as hormone therapy?

Gender is so encompassing. It took me forever to figure out that I was not male or female. The option was just not open to me in the society I live in and so I was blind to that possibility. Similalry I have heard people wonder if they were truely transexual becuase the woman or man they felt they were was not what society considered a typical man or woman. My advise is to explore without thinking of the boxes. Try out what you like. Think about how you would want to be treated, the clothes you would like to wear, the body you would like to have. It sounds to me like you already know a lot of what you want, more time and exploration will help solidify this. The whole cost/benefit thing is the real hard bit isn't it?

It is ok to have doubts. We are bombarded with all these contrary messages and it takes time to sift through the crap. Even then perhaps there are no 100%'s. Perhaps it is a bit like having faith.

[mtfbuckeye]

I'm pre-everything, but I'll probably do HRT while still living as a male, at least for a while. It sounds perfectly understandable and normal to me, Astral.

[Astral]

yeah, thanks... sorry for the long delay (university life is keeping me busy).

sometimes I think a good chunk of that 25% is just me being unsure of being sure. hope you know what I mean...

[deviousxen]

In an ideal world what would you like?

Exactly! Thats why I started in the first place!

[Kaelin]

If I may offer my own take, I am born a male.  I exhibit a number of "feminine" characteristics (interested in Liberal Arts, a feminist, interested in wearing dresses once in a while).  Still, I identify and feel that I am male, because I feel right with my body.  I do exhibit a number of "masculine" characteristics, but I tend to feel (both intuitively and through research) that the feminine/masculine characters are called such more as a result of society rather than biology.  *True* male-ness or female-ness, in my judgment, comes more from whether one is in the correct body, rather than finding the gender role that fits with your interests.

That's my take anyway, but I think you should consider how you feel about your body.

[Astral]

but I DO identify as female. Sometimes I want to claw my way out of my skin I feel so uncomfortable like this x.x. I just don't think I could transition knowing that I will probably not pass anyways... and most people STILL treating me like a man.

[Wendy C]

Emme that is right on. And I believe Janet also told me that same thing awhile back. Attitude is so much a part of presenting. I didnt realize that until recently. When I first started my transition I believed it to be a lost cause and questioned if would ever look female. I am 6"  and weight in at 195 lbs at the moment. (I was at 174 til I quit smoking, arrrrgh) I doubted everything about my looks.

Now here I am a year in hormones, hair shoulder length, an A cup, and female facial features progressing, am 90% FT and going to change my name after the first of the year and go FT. Yes, it is attitude and knowing and believing who you really are. That and most of the time people really arent watching you. They either dont care or worrying about their own problems. Watch the GG's sometime. They are always looking at another woman, that is, her hair, her jewelry, clothing, etc.

Have you thought of maybe going to a Gender Therapist that sees other TG/TS patients? I got my reference to a good one from these sites. Before you start taking the hormones, be aware that they are nothing to play with. Look on the section here about HRT. Take your time Hon, the answers you are seeking will come. Hugs

Wendy