I don't remember if I ever posted an intro thread here. (My intro now would be much different than when I joined last December as well.)
I've probably repeated my life narrative enough times I don't feel like repeating it now. Most of it's typical for most older transitioners:
- strong trans feelings from the earliest ages
- lots of depression and anxiety growing up but feeling like I had to just make life work the best I could
- religious training that created much guilt and doubt over what to do
- dysfunctional family situation that prevented me from receiving help from my parents
- built the best life I could, career, family, spouse
- entered therapy, went on anti-depressants
- lots of progress in terms of emotional growth but the trans-thing only got worse
- finally came out in therapy, worked through the issue for a long time, the therapist couldn't fix anything
- went through months of suicidal ideation, finally began cutting myself, decided "that's it" one day and I was done because I knew I'd die if I didn't change things ASAP
Wife had known since 1995 but had lived in denial for years even when she knew it was a major issue; finally had another big discussion about it in April 2007.
- Started laser hair removal in May 2007
- Came out in my mod position at a large non-trans-related site in May 2007, started a blog there.
- Got a basic workable female voice in June 2007 (started practicing in Nov 2006)
- Started electrolysis in July 2007
- Came out to kids same month
- Left church (partly due to religious reasons, but also because the trans thing would have caused a large problem since I was prominent there) in August 2007; ironically, that same month is when I no longer felt guilt before God about being trans.
- Came out to HR at work in October 2007
- Started spiro in Jan 2008
- Came out to the closest extended family (parents and sister; in-laws) in March 2008
- Moved out of house (by wife's request) at end of March 2008
- Started estradiol in April 2008
- Finally started getting clothes and dressing
- Started going out extensively in June 2008
- Removed my blog at the non-trans site in July 2008, so as to adjust to life as a "normal woman"
- Came out on Facebook and Classmates in October 2008
- Planning on full-time in Feb 2009.
I guess that is the basics. Other random info:
I am very active at TrueSelves; participate now and then at BeginningLife; and am a moderator at Safe Haven.
When I moved into my new apartment with a friend a month ago, I signed the lease under my male name but first got seen by my neighbors (5-6 other families) when I was dressed as Jen, so I went with that. I have never interacted with them in any other way but as Jen. That was an odd shift, despite one I had wanted. Going to work as a male, still, feels odd; and my coming and going hours are adjusted to avoid dealing with them but mostly I don't care if they figure it out; Feb 2009 will be a welcome relief.
Human Resources at work is very very supportive but expects me to tell them what to do. So I get to "write my own ticket" but at the same time it's a lot of initiative to take. I will have to talk to my boss right after Christmas holidays about this.
Despite my size and natural anxiety, I blended extremely well very quickly. I've never had issues with the bathrooms, only been stared down once in a while, and when someone does find out (when I get carded somewhere), they're usually very gracious and blown-away. That's a relief; but the insecurity STILL has taken months to work through. I even did well enough to get hit up by anti-trans activists in Montgomery County, MD, in summer 2008, trying to get me to vote against transpeople policy-wise; apparently they didn't realize they were looking at a transwoman right in front of them; however, emotionally, it still really shook me up inside to realize how some people were.
My parents legally disowned me in July 2008 -- my mom, for religious reasons, my dad because he's an alcoholic and emotionally stunted. Aside from his verbally abusing me for half an hour on easter and a few tense conversations I initiated with him over the next month or three, I have not talked to him at all and he has not contacted me. My mom has apologized for the legal thing and, despite religiously thinking I'm doing something wrong, she's actually been supportive and has even seen and complimented pictures.
PRetty much I have had to built my own support network, because all family but one cousing is non-supportive (the mature people don't try to undermine but simply say, "We'll support X, Y, or Z, but you cannot count on us to support transition.") My uncle-in-law tried to browbeat me into going to Exodus International to become ex-trans; I turned him down twice, he didn't write back except to send me religious propoganda the week before the national election. I have learned a lot about who loves me, who doesn't really love me, who is committed to me, and who is more committed to the people or other things. It was a painful realization, but it was good for me to learn, and I now only commit to people what they are willing to commit to me, and otherwise don't expect/ask for things from them they're not willing to give.
I turn 40 later this month. I share a birthday with C.S. Lewis and Madeleine L'Engle.
My children love me and still spend lots of time with me when I'm at the house; but they don't want to talk about my transition and don't want me to do it. I think the gap from "now" to "them seeing me as Jen" will still be a drawn-out process but I hope based on their current attitudes (i.e., they don't want to lose me forever), they'll come around. They are in therapy.
Their mom has been an excellent coparent, and we promote a united front; we are very supportive of each other; I still consider her one of my best friends; however, she still sees my transition as "sin" and it's been very difficult for her emotionally and religiously. She really doesn't ever want to see me as Jen but will do it when necessary because she wants the kids to feel the freedom to see me if they want, and she knows she sets the tone. I can't really ask more from her than she's given, because I know how bad this has been for her and will continue to be.
Lots more I could say, but that's the basics.
