...Eh?

[Alyx.]

So... my gender idenity confuses me...

I idenify as a girl. I say I'm a girl, therefore I am. However, sometimes I don't mind it as much. Throughout my life, I've felt sad that I wasn't a girl physically. I've always hated my penis and such. But after all the pain and hardship, I stopped feeling so bad. Now I feel all unique and special as a guy. Sometimes I'll be perfectly happy as a guy... but then someone will say "You are a guy? and I'll be all like "->-bleeped-<- NO!!!!!" XD It makes me sad that nobody will see me as the girl I am inside, but... they see a very special guy outside, and I am very much loved. Maybe I've blurred the gender lines so much that they stop mattering... but... It kinda scares me, because does that mean I'll never be a normal, happy girl? I still have a chance at being a boy though. And that's not so bad, right? Boys are cool! I love boys! Still... I'm not one. But, if I stay as a boy, nobody will feel stressed and sad, right? My family will still love me, and somehow... it feels like I have less chance of making a mistake. After all, people are supposed to be happy as the sex they were born as, right? Why can't I do that? Still, looking in the mirror is super scary... And it will only get worse, won't it?

*sigh* So, what? I'm a girl in a guy's body who is happy as a guy? But only some of the time?

What do you guys think of that wall of text?

[Kellsie]

Honey I think you need to talk to someone, preferably a counselor that can help you sort through your feelings;  I have been TG for quite a long time and have started seeing a counselor, and he has helped quite a bit with the depression issues that I have.  I don't know how old you are but it sounds like you are young enough to still be living at home, and if that is true, do your parents know?  If not maybe and I say again maybe you can talk to them and they can get you the help you need.

[Nicky]

It does not sound to me like you are that confused about your identity. I'm hearing that you pretty sure that you are a girl. What you sound confused about is how to deal with the resulting dysphoria. You are desperately trying to find some way of being happy living as a guy, because if you discovered that you need to transition you fear that you will lose your loved ones or that you will never look like the girl you feel, or that this is all some big mistake.

Certainly you sometimes feel comfortable in your man body, is that enough? Time will tell. Sounds too me that you already suffer significant distress in regard to your body despite the times you are ok with it.  I second Kira's advice.

[Shellygurl]

I will preface my statment with the fact that I am new here and I also am looking for answers and find myself in somewhat of a similar situation. Now for my 2 cents.

I am presently a 40 year old MTF tg. I have just very recently come to grips with the fact that I cannot continue living what I know is not the real me. I have tried everything to suppress the woman in me since I was 5 or 6. I played football thruogh school only quiting the last year to join the cheerleading squad. Tried the Marine Corps to make a man out of me but had to quit that because I decided to take the ultimate step in becomming a man. I got married and 21 years later I have 3 children.

No problem. I will work and work and work and work. That will take my mind off of this thing. Well that is true for a short time only. It would normally get me by maybe 4-6 months. I think at one point I went maybe close to a year. But it always comes back and when it does it gets stronger. A few years ago I joined a church and have since become a minister (I am not getting Spiritual here giving some background) but I can not get me out of myself.  Does that make sense?

I now minister at a church that condemns me although I have not sinned yet unless you count my talking about this. My wife and family would not accept this I am pretty sure do to some test conversations I have had with.
The main thing is I do, love my wife and little girl. But I have to get out of this cage.

I guess what I am trying to let you know is that in my case things did not just remain okay. They continually worsened until now I am at the point I can not sleep, I have tried eating myself crazy, now am starving myself , and just last month tried to take my life,something has to be done, and I am afraid it will hurt a lot of people.
So if I can give you any advice it would be to seek therapy and decide for yourself now which turn you must make before you let things go any further and get out of control.

[sd]

{cut}

If you were completely content, you would not be here. It's okay though, many of us fluctuate or at least did for a while (not all do).

I agree with the others, talk to someone, the sooner the better.

[Nicky]

Thank you for sharing your story Shellygurl.

I hope you find your bliss.

[Princess Katrina]

I've occasionally had similar feelings, Heartwood, though I hadn't had any for quite a few years up until I started transition. Now those thoughts come back occasionally, but I can see that they're really just manifestations of fear that I could be mistaken. I know I'm not, but I'm also the type to intentionally doubt and question everything, even if I know it to be true.


The thing I've come to realize, and I hinted at this to my mum when she was asking me "What if you find out you're wrong and it's too late?" There's only one way I could really see myself legitimately being male, and that's not as an ordinary genetic male. I can really only see myself being a [MT]F or FTM. Being a genetic male just isn't who I am.


*starts to wonder if she makes sense and attributes it to the vicodin if she doesn't make sense*

[shychristine]

I can surely see where you are coming frome Shellygurl. I too have been trying to to my feelings aside, and joined the Air Force thinking it would make a man out of me I had only 1 year left to collect my pension at a fairly young age but gave it all up because the woman in me wants so bad to come out. The harder I try to surpress her the stonger she gets.
When I got out of The AF I got a job in a foundry, a VERY dirty , MANLY job. I am getting close to giving that up. The more I try to surpress and cant not accept my feeling because I really dont understand why I have always felt like a woman in a mans body, I have started seeing a therapist hoping she can help me come to terms.

[Shellygurl]

Shychristine,    I think it is great that you are going to see a therapist I hope you are able to find what you need. I want to follow that same advice. I have tried to convince myself to go to therapy. I don't know what is holding me back. I do love my family and would very much not want to hurt them. Am I just afraid of freedom? I am not sure. How do you tell your wife that you are not who she has thought you were? How do you overcome the fear of loosing your beautiful daughter? How do you escape the prison that you have so cruelly been placed in since the time of your birth? I am not sure but this thing I do know, I don't know. You are making the right choice. When you find out something please share with me. Love Ya!

Posted on: November 05, 2008, 11:37:15 pm

Thank you for sharing your story Shellygurl.

I hope you find your bliss.

You don't know how hard ( or maybe you do) it has been for me to come to grips with this. I am just now beginning to understand.
I thank you for listening  and responding. I think just knowing that someone is listening to you makes a very big difference. I had really never paid attention to it although I have spent countless hours talking to myself and Oh yes I do talk back sometimes. So once again thanks.

[Elwood]

My current frustration: We live in a society that has rooted in patriarchy. So a lot of MtFs don't mind keeping their penis, because a penis has always been a symbol or power-- not to mention it is a much more fun sexual organ. I find that it is FtMs who long for genital reconstruction more often. I am NOT trying to insult anyone or stereotype, I'm just frustrated. The MtFs I personally know that I see on a regular basis... Only one of them wants to lose her penis. The others like being "tops" and having anal sex with men...

It just tears me open. I want that too, but I can't have it. And I never will. Gay men want the real thing. Only girls settle for prothestics.

I think you're happy because you're safe. Being a boy is socially good for you, and maybe you fear that transitioning could falter your currently stable social life. I know transitioning COMPLETELY screwed up my social life...

[Nero]

My current frustration: We live in a society that has rooted in patriarchy. So a lot of MtFs don't mind keeping their penis, because a penis has always been a symbol or power-- not to mention it is a much more fun sexual organ. I find that it is FtMs who long for genital reconstruction more often. I am NOT trying to insult anyone or stereotype, I'm just frustrated. The MtFs I personally know that I see on a regular basis... Only one of them wants to lose her penis. The others like being "tops" and having anal sex with men...

It just tears me open. I want that too, but I can't have it. And I never will. Gay men want the real thing. Only girls settle for prothestics.

I think you're happy because you're safe. Being a boy is socially good for you, and maybe you fear that transitioning could falter your currently stable social life. I know transitioning COMPLETELY screwed up my social life...

guess i always thought it the other way around - that mtfs were more disturbed by the bottom parts.

[Elwood]

My current frustration: We live in a society that has rooted in patriarchy. So a lot of MtFs don't mind keeping their penis, because a penis has always been a symbol or power-- not to mention it is a much more fun sexual organ. I find that it is FtMs who long for genital reconstruction more often. I am NOT trying to insult anyone or stereotype, I'm just frustrated. The MtFs I personally know that I see on a regular basis... Only one of them wants to lose her penis. The others like being "tops" and having anal sex with men...

It just tears me open. I want that too, but I can't have it. And I never will. Gay men want the real thing. Only girls settle for prothestics.

I think you're happy because you're safe. Being a boy is socially good for you, and maybe you fear that transitioning could falter your currently stable social life. I know transitioning COMPLETELY screwed up my social life...

guess i always thought it the other way around - that mtfs were more disturbed by the bottom parts.

I've never seen that. Then again, I've only been out since March, so it's not like I have years of experience.

[Jeneva]

My current frustration: We live in a society that has rooted in patriarchy. So a lot of MtFs don't mind keeping their penis, because a penis has always been a symbol or power-- not to mention it is a much more fun sexual organ. I find that it is FtMs who long for genital reconstruction more often. I am NOT trying to insult anyone or stereotype, I'm just frustrated. The MtFs I personally know that I see on a regular basis... Only one of them wants to lose her penis. The others like being "tops" and having anal sex with men...

It just tears me open. I want that too, but I can't have it. And I never will. Gay men want the real thing. Only girls settle for prothestics.

I think you're happy because you're safe. Being a boy is socially good for you, and maybe you fear that transitioning could falter your currently stable social life. I know transitioning COMPLETELY screwed up my social life...

guess i always thought it the other way around - that mtfs were more disturbed by the bottom parts.

I've never seen that. Then again, I've only been out since March, so it's not like I have years of experience.

Do these people actually self-identify as TS girls?

Look around at all the posts here (and other forums), I've only seen a handful that are positive about that aspect.  The cost may make a lot of people stop before surgery, but that isn't the same as saying they wanted to stop there.

As far as "more" fun, that is entirely opinion, but even if it were true don't most people say it will usually not function the same after HRT.