treated like a little girl

[Yochanan]

It seems that everywhere I go people insist on treating me like a little girl. At school it's ok--only people I don't see on a regular basis, like counselors, treat me this way, but in my classes most people seem to realize I want to be one of the boys and there's no problem. At home my mom works hard not to call me her daughter or feminine endearments, but she won't call me anything masculine, either. Gender-neutral is ok for now at home. But what I'm really talking about is strangers, people I meet in the street. I couldn't present more masculine, and it still happens. For example, I was on the train coming home yesterday, just sitting there listening to my headphones. This guys waves to get my attention, so I take them off and listen as he explains his situation and asks for money. Now, I have no problem at all giving away money--I've been down on my luck too and understand about depending on strangers. So I gave the guy two bucks and put my headphones back on. He didn't let it go, though--he tried to kiss my cheek, but I pulled away, so he kissed my hand instead before getting off the train. It pissed me off--obviously I was not interested, I'd just given him money, and he insisted on doing it, and blowing me a kiss before leaving, to top it all off.

This was just a single incident. Bus drivers call me sweetie and honey, men hold doors for me, girls glare at me, and I don't know what to do. I've started trying to beat people to doors at school so I can hold it for them, but that's only one small solution. WHY, oh why does the world insist on treating me like a 12 year old girl? Even if I was treated as an adult female it wouldn't be so bad, but it's like I'm a child! I hate it! Does this happen to anyone else? Is it just me? What must I do to stop being treated this way? =[ =[ =[

[Mister]

Because you're young and being read as female.  There's no guarantee that you'll pass until you're on T, and even then it can take some time depending on your genetics.  If I remember correctly, you're 18.  So really, if it's a bother that you're being read as female and you're old enough to legally consent for yourself, get on T.

[JonasCarminis]

the train thing seems like it wasnt 12 year old girl related... that guy might have done it if you were a 50 year old man anyways!

i know what you mean about being treated like a girl though.  it sucks.  i walked in to take an online test and i was checking in and the lady was like "oh, are you daniel?"  i was flattered ofcourse.... and i was like "no im *******."  then she switches to uber girl mode.  i think she was trying to make up for "mistaking" me for a boy.

youve got to face it though... youre really cute.  unfortunately to a lot of people, cute means feminine.

[Jack Daniels]

know what you mean, although it doesnt happen that often to me, but there was this one guy callin me sweetheart, until he asked for my name, and I told him Jack, and immediately he startin actin all masculine and started tryin to redeem himself. Quite entertainin.

[Yochanan]

Unfortunately, it's not possible for me to transition at this point in my life, so going out and getting T is not an option. One of these days...

I hate being "cute". If I was a cute boy, it would be different, but no, I'm just a cute little "girl". Ugh.

Maybe I'll start giving my name as John instead of Kat. Maybe that will make people back off. Hm...

[Snowdoggy]

Hey Yochanan,

The public sees what the public wants. Not much you can do about that. I'm not well qualified to help you much as I'm 38 and things have changed a lot since I was your age.

What is interesting (maybe) is that when I was younger (G*d I never thought I'd have to say those words) I remember going through the same situation. I then tried to conform to what society wanted (or my family expected of me), got a guy, got a house settloed down and tried to act and dress as a female.

THEN...

It turned out (only found this out after I split with this guy although we are still good friends) that the majority of people thought we were a gay couple.

Ho hum...
what can you do?


Enjoy looking cute as long as you can coz female or male, transgendered or cisgendered it's a blessing. People used to tell me the reason I could never pass when i was younger is because I was too cute but that goes with age not just T (and also being ginger makes things much harder).

I'm not sure whether it's easier or harder these days as lads wear make-up and lasses dress very butch which must make it harder to pass for ftms.

I'll stop waffling on as I'm sure you know more than me what passes as looking male these days (G*d there I go again) but back in my day (when we used to have black and white TVs) eyeliner didn't help.

You are a good looking young lad, enjoy it. T will eventually change that if you want.

And whenever in doubt a good Paddington Bear look always helps 

John

[Godot]

I know how you mean..It can get frustrating. I can't pass and I don't wanna go on T and even if I wanted to I couldn't so I just kind of brush it off and try to hold myself from getting mad

[Lukas-H]

I know how you feel Yochanan, it really sucks. But us younger folk, or even ones that just look young, are going to have a hard time getting away from this sort of treatment. (I get it all the time, mistaken for 2-4 years younger than my actual age, I know I'm short and everything but I really don't think I look as young as people perceive me.)

You DO look cute, but believe me when I say this in your pic I think you look like a cute guy, not girl. The cheeks don't help your case though

I would say smile less, it's unfortunate but that seems to help.

Otherwise I guess try and get on T as soon as you can though even then that might not help.

[Yochanan]

I decided a while ago that instead of making myself miserable trying to pass constantly, I'd wear tight jeans and eyeliner and jewelry because I like those things and being a boy doesn't change that. And it has helped me feel better about myself. Unfortunately, all my favorite jewelry screams "FEMALE!!!!". I'm not too worried about the jeans 'cause I'm fairly skinny and I usually wear a longer shirt or jacket to help cover my hips. When I wear eyeliner I don't even try to pass, though.

I like all these things and plan to continue wearing them, but... sometimes I dress quite masculinely, refrain from smiling at all, and use as low a tone as my voice can reach (which is relatively low after smoking a lot of pot and practicing Caiphus's parts from Jesus Christ Superstar!), and none of it matters. I guess I'll always be a girl in the eyes of society... at least 'til I can get off my ass and start my transition. (Soon. I hope.)

Oh, and as for my cheeks... my brother used to have them like mine, but when he grew up his face kind of became more... angle-y. Sharper. I can't wait until I look like that (and when I do transition, I know I'll look almost exactly like him, red beard and all).

[tekla]

I'll always be a girl in the eyes of society... at least 'til I can get off my ass and start my transition.

I thought that was why transition was so important.

[Yochanan]

Quite right, Tekla, but my family's going through a lot of drama right now and I'm afraid that if I come out to my mom she might kill herself, leaving behind a four year old with an inattentive and inexperienced father and breaking the entire family apart. My mom keeps the family together, and unfortunately, right now I think I'm just about the only one keeping her together. My older sister is using her place to sleep in, not paying rent and not helping my mom out at all, and my brother (mom's favorite) is in Wisconsin, so that's no help. My stepdad berates her daily for every little thing, her mother just died a terrible death after struggling with cancer for a while, and she is getting more heavily into popping pills and drinking (though thankfully she hasn't mixed the two--yet). I'm worried enough about her ending up dead, and I certainly don't want to contribute. So here I stay in the closet, for now. =/

[Mister]

So living a life you don't want to lead to make someone else happy is worth it?

[Mister]

So living a life you don't want to lead to make someone else happy is worth it?

That's not fair.  I think he's very selfless to put the needs of his family before anything he wants for himself.  Just because he's not running down the hallways screaming, "Me Me Me, it's all about ME!" doesn't make what he wants to do any less real.

I wish you the best for your Mom and your family.

You misinterpreted my point.  There is never a good point to transition.  Someone's about to go on vacation or is overworked.  Someone will have always just had a kid, is about to go off to college or has a big project due.  The timing is always crappy and holding out for a less crappy time is a farce.

[Ellieka]

So living a life you don't want to lead to make someone else happy is worth it?

That's not fair.  I think he's very selfless to put the needs of his family before anything he wants for himself.  Just because he's not running down the hallways screaming, "Me Me Me, it's all about ME!" doesn't make what he wants to do any less real.

I wish you the best for your Mom and your family.

You misinterpreted my point.  There is never a good point to transition.  Someone's about to go on vacation or is overworked.  Someone will have always just had a kid, is about to go off to college or has a big project due.  The timing is always crappy and holding out for a less crappy time is a farce.

But taking into consideration that a loved one may kill them selves leaving catastrophic repercussions in the wake is not nearly the same as going to collage or having a baby!

He plainly said :

my family's going through a lot of drama right now and I'm afraid that if I come out to my mom she might kill herself, leaving behind a four year old with an inattentive and inexperienced father and breaking the entire family apart. My mom keeps the family together, and unfortunately, right now I think I'm just about the only one keeping her together.

I think that is called being mature and also curricula to his self preservation. Perhaps he is not old enough to legally be on his own and able to support himself as well as a much younger sibling. True, there is never a "good" time to come out but there is a proper time and manner in witch to do so.

It was rough for me to come out to my family and yes most of them were hurt. But... no one was in mortal danger nor was I at risk of losing my very means of life support such as home, food, and clothing.

Its not a matter of

living a life you don't want to lead to make someone else happy

Its wisdom and compassion.

[Mister]

Wisdom and compassion would be recognizing that mom needs therapy and helping her find one, not volunteering to prop her up for an untold amount of time. 

[iFindMeHere]

Wisdom and compassion would be recognizing that mom needs therapy and helping her find one, not volunteering to prop her up for an untold amount of time. 

Yes This.

[Godot]

Parents can get unstable and can sometimes rely on their kids for hope and support. It is a good thing you want to help keep your mom together..especially since your family's going through a dramatic time. All I can really say is wait til it's possible for you to transition and until then...do what you can. My advice kinda sucks  I'm gonna have to wait a while before I can even think about changing my name because of my parents

[tekla]

Seems to me, but I'm insane, that the decision that Y is making, along with the sacrifice it entails, is going to make Y more male than all the T in the world.  Taking T does not make you man, taking responsibility does.

[Ellieka]

Well said Tekla.

[Yochanan]

First off, thanks to everyone who replied.

I have spent much of my teenage years trying to get my family to back me up in putting my mom in treatment. At any given time, we did not have the money, or she would not go, or I couldn't get anyone behind me. I am eighteen years old, jobless, in college, and not capable of doing this myself. My main, most important concern is my four year old sister. She depends solely on our mother for safety, love, warmth, clothes, food, etc. Since I am unwilling and unable to actually reside in their apartment again, I do my best to keep my mother sane so my sister gets fed and taken to her dance classes and wakes up every morning to a live mother, not a dead one in bed beside her. (This is not just my wild imagination--my mom makes my stepdad come in every morning to make sure she's alive because she is terrified she will die in her sleep and the baby will find her. That would scar my sister for life.)

I understand that there is no good time to come out and transition, but... there will certainly be better times than this. There will definitely be better times. I just have to wait and when I judge it to be the best time, I will transition. Until then, I visit my mom and sister and provide emotional support for everyone. It is all I can do. Our family, despite being scattered across the country much of the time, has always been and will always be very close and tight. I want it to stay that way during and after my transition, and I'll do my damnedest to see it so, even if it means waiting years.

Posted on: November 12, 2008, 04:03:53 pm

Seems to me, but I'm insane, that the decision that Y is making, along with the sacrifice it entails, is going to make Y more male than all the T in the world.  Taking T does not make you man, taking responsibility does.

Thank you, Tekla. That makes me feel a bit better about all this.