What would you do?

[VictoriaW]

I am a 39 year old male. I am married with children. Retired military and I feel I am a woman inside. My earliest childhood memories are of my bothers picking on me because I would play with dolls and dress them up. My brothers would laugh and call me a little girl and it make me feel happy but I learn to act like the other boys and declare that I'm a boy even though I didn't want to. 

As a young adult I knew I wanted to be a woman. And it continues to this day. I feel obligated to have sex with my wife but during it all I feel that I'm in the wrong spot.

I know my family would never support me and I would probably never see my kids again, yet knowing that I will lose everything that I've worked for I still want to be a woman.

I want to walk down the street and see guys turn their heads to watch me. I want gentlemen to open doors for me. I want the cashier at the grocery story to say "have a good day, Ma'am".

I'm not gay and have never had a homosexual relationship. But I want a man that will accept me as a woman. I am not a cross dresser and female clothing does not turn me on. I have however put on dresses and looked at myself in the mirror just to see if I could pass.

I'm too old to keep playing. Should I try and squash these feeling (I've tried, this is harder the quitting smoking) or should I seek professional help and seek out SRS.
 

[Kate]

Welcome to Susans, Victoria!

The first step is usually to find a therapist in your area who's experienced in dealing with these issues. They can provide you with a safe, non-judging environment to explore your feelings and options. We can certainly help here TOO of course, but it's great to have a Real World contact to work with... especially if all this ends up leading to a transition.

If you read around the forum, you'll see that squashing the feelings doesn't seem to work. We seem to be stuck with this, whatever "it" is, and have to find SOME way to make peace with it. That doesn't necessarily mean changing your sex, but it does mean acknowledging that this need or drive isn't likely to ever go away.

Welcome again! And be sure to check out the Site Terms of Service and rules to live by if you get a chance

~Kate~

[NicholeW.]

I go with your last suggestion. I mean you might decide to "squash" that, but usually that's the absolute most difficult thing to do. Especially at your age.

So, at least talk to someone about your feelings, etc and see what shakes out. Then you'll be able to "decide" based on loooking at you, not at us.

Welcome to the Forum, Victoria.

Nichole

[Ella~]

I am the same age as you and can relate to much of what you've written.

I've personally been struggling with this for as long as I can remember. The last two years have been especially tough and I've been finding it harder and harder to push it away. It's pretty much turned me into a workaholic. When I throw myself into my work, I tend to think about it less. But, that can't go on forever...

I'm still fighting it in the hopes that it will just go away. But, more and more I'm starting to think that the common theory is right - it might be here to stay.

I went to see a therapist last year a couple of times. Even though I think the time probably wasn't right for me to start that process, I definitely saw how therapy can help. I only saw her twice, but she calmed me down and gave me some things to think about that I'm still turning over in my mind. I might even go back one day.

This is a really hard and strange thing to battle every day. I feel for you and I know how you feel. You can go the "Squash" route - but if you do, please take care of yourself. I think you would do better though if you gave therapy a go and see where it leads.

- Ella

[Janet_Girl]

I agree with Kate and Nichole.  I have tried the 'squash' thing and live as a man.  And I wear the scar to show that emotional pain I went through.  But yet here I am living as a woman, full time.  Lost my home, my wife, and the luxury of that life.  And I would not go back for love, nor money.

My therapist has told me that I only fooling myself.  The only real option, other than transition would be to cross dress on occasion.  But for me that was not a option.  I am a woman, and yes I am interested in men as a woman, one in particular.

Find a therapist and work out what it right for you.  And if I can paraphrases another member here,  "If you think that you can do something else other than transition, then do it.  But if you are not ready to lose family, friends, or anything else, Then do not transition.".  You might lose things you love and you might not.  Some of us have lose everything, Some just certain things and have not lose anything.  But you and only you can make the choice as what to do.

But if you ask any of us if we are happy in our new life, very few will say 'No'.

[Rebecca Liz]

Transitioning has been by far the most difficult thing I could even imagine doing, but also the most rewarding. Having said that, it came at great risk, and potentially great cost. I'm one of the lucky few that didn't lose some if not most or all of what they had. I easily could have though. I am 38, so I know exactly where you are sitting - it's an age fence, for want of a better term. You've lost your young years, and if you don't transition now, will lose potentially many more years of living as your true self. The drive to just do it now now now is extremely strong.

However, all the advice given so far is spot on. See a gender therapist, and see if there is some balance you can find with your current life. That's what I tried to do, and many others do the same. If it can be found, it is often the best thing. Even thinking about SRS at this point is putting the cart before the horse. SRS should be the icing on the cake, not the need and goal. There are so many other things that need and should be done before you ever get to that point. Just my opinion. And that's coming from someone who felt "in the wrong spot" during sex as well.

Good luck, Victoria. You are in one of the worst stages of your GID right now. Exploration and discovery. Just remember, if you aren't prepared to lose everything, transitioning is not right for you. It may not happen, but then, it easily may.

Rebecca xoxo

[Laura Eva B]

Hi Victoria,

I really feel for someone in your (so typical) situation.

Even as a late-ish transitioner I never had wife or children, and I knew my family (mom) would be supportive of my transition, and that I would pull it off at work and among my few real friends.  All seems so long ago now.

All I can say is use a therapist, but only you know what you need to do, a therapist at the best can only help sort out your thoughts, the hardest decisions are still yours.

The balance of negatives and positives in taking the TS route depend very much on how strongly you feel you need to take the transition path, how socially successful you can think you would be as a woman (physical appearance / work stuff), and how much you really stand to lose.

Personally I'd try approach your wife before seeking outside help unless you feel this would be totally destructive to your relationship.  After all aren't wives meant to be the person you're closest to and the most sympathetic friend ?  Does she really not have an inkling about your feelings ?

So hope you can sort things out, and there are other compromises that fall short of the cataclysm of full transition.

Laura x

[Rebecca Liz]

Laura,

I loved your euphemism, "cataclysm of full transition." So many new potential transitioners just have no idea what they are getting themselves into. I thought I did, and mostly I was right - but there were so many surprised along the way. I always refer to my transition (which btw has been extremely easy and successful compared to so many) as "completely destroying my existing life and rebuilding it from the ground up." I was very, very fortunate that my loved ones and career stood by my through it all. Very fortunate.

Becca 

[Jennywocky]

I'm 39 as well, and had to make all these decisions as well over the last two years.

I won't rehash what everyone else has said in a lot of detail; I agree that your first step is to find a good therapist to help you work through your feelings and situation.

I would also recommend not looking at this as "Do I remain in my current situation as-is, as a guy, and suppress things, and be utterly miserable?" vs "Do I transition to live as a woman and get surgery and get disowned by my family?" Wow, that would scare anyone to choose between two such large things!

First, those are the extremes; and second, there is no way at this point that you can firmly settle on either of those options.

Focus instead of working with your therapist, when you find one, to help you decide what you need to do, step by step. Look at each step as something in itself that might help you find contentment in life where you're at. Don't rush ahead to another step until you evaluate the step you're currently on and ascertain whether it will or will not meet your needs and the needs of the people you love.

Good luck, hon. The road can be long and hard, but no matter where you end up, taking some steps to face and resolve things ultimately means you're making progress. (I think the worst part of the past for me, in your position, was feeling like my life was meaningless, that I was always going to be miserable, and that I had no hope for anything in the future since I wasn't changing anything.)

[Dana_W]

Wow. There are a lot of us around the same age here today. I'm also aged 39, also married, and also have kids.

One big difference between my situation and yours is that I started therapy over these kind of feelings around a year ago. Therefore I can only reiterate what so many people above have said regarding that: find a good gender therapist as your first step. If you're anything like me there is a lot to sort out before you can make a truly informed decision about when, how, or even if going toward transition is the right thing for you.

I have a lot of skepticism about anyone deciding to put all these feelings back in the closet and just go on. I tried exactly the same thing around age 27, and here I am at 39 even MORE consumed by gender confusion than I was before I "cured" myself by repressing it all again. I was headed down a very quick and self-destructive path before I found the courage to talk to a therapist about the gender feelings underlying my misery.

Talking to a therapist has the benefit of being both the first step toward transition AND a step that doesn't compel you toward transition at all, should you choose otherwise.

Good luck sorting this out. You're not alone.

[Rebecca Liz]

Where have all you 30-something girls been hiding? In my area, all the girls are either really young, or much older. I've found that there really aren't many in my age-group willing to take the life risks associated with transitioning.... Drop me a line if you want, ok?

Back to the topic, I have found that therapy has been an extremely important part of my transition. But, it must be someone that was been in our community for awhile. I've seen other girls seek therapy from someone with no experience with TG, and they get all kinds of bad advice. My therapist has been working with TG for so long, he actually gender bends a bit himself now. He has been beyond helpful at helping me to determine who I am, what direction and speed I should take things, has been for me when I stumble, and help me through all the anxiety that comes with this ever-changing emotional battlefield. Each time I meet a new girl, struggling in the pink fog, I emphasize how important it is to see a gender therapist before doing anything. It's just too hard to sort through the feelings on your own.

For me, hard as it was, walking away from my male life was what I had to do, and I haven't looked back even once and wondered if I made the right decision. But, that's just me. Just this week I've seen 4 other girls question their decisions, a few after transitioning for several years. This is not a trivial path to take, and should only be followed with assistance, imo.

Rebecca

[Dana_W]

I have found that therapy has been an extremely important part of my transition. But, it must be someone that was been in our community for awhile. I've seen other girls seek therapy from someone with no experience with TG, and they get all kinds of bad advice.

I guess I should have mentioned that as well. Not from my own experience. I lucked out and found a very good and very experienced gender therapist my first time. But, like Rebecca, I have heard plenty of horror stories from others who were not so lucky.

Do NOT assume that all therapists are knowledgeable or understanding about transgendered issues. Those who are not so experienced can range from kind-hearted but clueless to truly harmful in their approach.

I see that there are some therapists listed on the home page of this site. That's a good start (better than the list I personally used to search from, but better late than never.  ). Outside of that I would definitely call a potential therapist and ask if they have experience with transgendered therapy. It's not that the transgendered matters are the ONLY ones you need to discuss. It's just that you need to feel safe and supported in that area to be able to make sense of the rest of the issues in your life... at least in my experience and personal opinion.

[Jennywocky]

It was difficult in my area, which is conservative (a mini-Bible belt).

What happened is that I came out to my regular counselor who had worked with me for a few years, through my depression and social anxiety, and I loved and trusted her, so finally I told her the last big thing I had left that was really derailing my therapy...

... and she was there for me. She always has been. She's been sort of a surrogate mom to me, since my actual mom just never understood me nor really had the ability to do so even when she tried.

Bless her heart, she admitted right up front she had no idea what to exactly do to help, except provide a safe place for me to talk and work through this issue and come to decisions. She had worked with homosexual clients, so she understand some of the typical dynamics involved in the secrecy of a large issue like that and its impact on a marriage when it finally comes out, as well as many of the spiritual problems involved (deep feelings of shame, etc.)  That helped her alot with the basics.

Meanwhile, she contacted everyone she could to get experience; she went to seminars in our area when she could that involved trans issues; and when she located another counselor who had dealt with some trans patients (that was the best she could do), she advised me to see her even though it meant eventually not seeing her.

Not being able to get specific "gender help" (i.e., someone to walk me through practical issues) probably has been the largest thing I've missed; but I was fortunate I had a counselor who loved me enough to stretch herself and be there for me. I am the sort of person who reads and studies and researches and has a good "big picture" sense, which I am glad for since she couldn't provide that sort of guidance, but her basic love for me as a human being went a fair distance even without the specifics.

I'm not sure what my point is here, except to say all is not completely lost if you can't find a "gender counselor" specifically in your area. If you CAN find one, though, I would get one... and not someone who just bills themselves as such, but someone who has actively helped transgender people from the begining stages THROUGH transition. There's a lot of knowledge accumulated in that sort of experience, and it will also help you with local contacts... that was something else I had a heck of a time figuring out and why I ended up having at least one disastrous moment.

[Ellieka]

Hi Victoria,

I don't want to just jump in here and assume your situation is the same as mine but I hope I can offer some advise.

I'm 33 and just starting out on my transition. My the biggest mistake I ever made was trying to squash my feelings. I spent countless dollars over the years buying womans clothing just to turn right around and throw them all away a few weeks later out of guilt and shame. I've divorced and remarried with two kids of my own and my wife now has two of her own.

My first marriage fell apart because there was no true love and I was also fighting my GID. My second marriage almost ended too because I tried to hide and lie about it. It wasn't because my wife couldn't take being with a transsexual that was driving her away, it was because I was dishonest and secretive. When I finally broke down and told her the truth she turned out to be much more accepting and supportive then I gave her credit for. We're still together because what we have is true love.

I don't know how old your children are but In my experience the younger they are the better they adapt. As far as loosing them goes, you are still the other parent and as long as the court sees you have their best interest at hart you will most likely still have visitation rights even if your wife leaves.

I think the first thing you should do is to talk to your wife and tell her that you are struggling with some very tough issues and that you feel you need counseling. Even if you don't tell her exactly what it is right now you can at least let her know that you want and need help. If her love is real then she will want to help you. Just don't lie to her... it only makes it worse in the end.