First, I want to tell you all how much I love these boards. I can talk about how I feel, and say things that are very hard to say face-to-face, and I can just talk about the random thoughts running through my mind.
I just wonder if it's normal to think things are ... just really... ethereal? surreal?
A week ago, I wanted to go... that was it really, I just wanted out of here, I couldn't deal with myself or my life anymore. It was like ... well... crazy. I am not sure whether my sanity is slipping, or whether I am actually getting some sanity back after all these years.
Ever since Monday everything has seemed so ethereal, so surreal. It's like, I am watching everything go on and I am dissconnected from it. Is that normal? What causes that? I mean, ever since I reached that low and said, "I am done" gave the note to my parents and said, I love you, but I am sorry I can't stay. Ever since I was officially diagnosed with GID everything is really strange. Well, one, that was my worst fear. That and having my father find out. I took a WHOLE different approach to this. I knew very young, but instead of telling anyone, I said I am going to be a guy, I have to be a guy, and no matter what thats how it is, thats how it has to be and nothing can ever change that. Getting diagnosed with GID for me, in a way, meant I failed. But, it's like the world isn't really real anymore. Am I losing my mind?
I am VERY excited about the fact that there is actually hope now. That it is really an option, whereas before, I refused to accept this as an option. Before, I didn't even have a glint of hope. But, I am worried that I am losing my mind. The world seems really different now. It's brighter, I can smell things when I am outside, I can feel things that have been there all along, but I can feel it now, like a breeze. I can smell the air before a rain, I noticed that yesterday and couldn't help but laugh. But, it all feels unnatural. It's like it's not real and I am not really here physically, I am just watching things happen in a sort of disconnected way. I wonder if I am losing my grip on whats real. Does this happen to anyone else?
I am terrified that I might have too high expectations and that I might never pass and that I will always look like an ogre. See, I know how I am SUPPOSED to look, I have been visuallizing it, and putting myself in situations mentally where I am me as I should have been born. One of my techniques for dealing this was watching Television, going to bed and putting myself in social situations AS who I should have been all along. I can't tell you how much I have learned about myself doing that. Thats how I have dealt with this for so long, because visualizing your life like that really helps. Putting yourself in situations mentally helps you deal with things a little better.