What makes it worth it?

[Lara]

Life is hard. No doubt no matter who you are in life, this is true at one time or another, but it's exceptionally hard when you are a transsexual. When we face the hardships of acceptance, appearance, voice, height, acquaintances, family, and sheer cost of everything, what does one do to keep on the path? It seems overwhelming at times, and even more so when you have no help. I can understand why so many of us commit suicide, but I am hoping that they simply didn't bother to ask the question: what makes it worth it? That is where I am. I need to know. Thanks

[PinkSunshine]

Hi Lara! Ok, so I'm here basically as a pre-everything trans. So what exactly does make it worth it?  Let me explain it this way hun:

What makes going to college worth it? The enrollement process? The long hours studying, struggling to understand everything, the ruthless course schedule? The many years of struggling to pay for everything and do good in school? The countless worrying about the finals, transportation, homework?

For the military personnel (minus a few exceptions), what makes the military worth it? Surely it can't be the INSANE process of signing a BAJILLION forms just to join, or the LONG time in boot camp! How about the countless hours of physical training? The countless hours of inspection after inspection and formation after formation? For years?

How about buying a house? Why would you want to get into $100,00 + in debt (up or down) just to have to worry about fixing it up? Paying for utilities? Keeping your yard presentable? What if it loses value and the mortgage goes up? Is it worth all that hassle?

I will only briefly mention marriage because I think you get my point by now  .

The point of all of this girl, is that you never see why something is worth it until it is after the fact. When you get handed your diploma/honorable discharge/mortgage, you get an overwhelming sense of satisfaction. You get a permanent sense of "I survived the gauntlet" and now you have that much more confidence in yourself. It opens up SO many oppurtunities (sp?) afterward, most of which you won't know until you reach that point.

I'm not saying it will be easy, quite the opposite actually. Just ask yourself this hun, 'what makes it not worth trying?'  Consider this and know that many of us are in the same position.

[Arch]

Welcome, Lara. I'm glad you found this place. You are not alone.

If you mean what makes life worth living, or what makes transition (or presentation as your core gender) worth it, I can give you my answer: EVERYTHING.

I can't tell you how many times I sat there with a razor blade at my wrist and willed myself to cut, to go deep and vertical, to watch the blood well up and out of me until my body was nothing but an empty shell.

My therapist once asked me what kept me from killing myself. "Hope?" I said. That was a part of it. A big part of it. Hope that the future could be better. Hope that I would meet someone else like me, someone who really got it. Hope that someday I would have the courage to decide, once and for all, whether I should transition. Like many others, I spent years and years hiding in the closet and avoiding the issue.

It took me a long, long time to make the decision to start this journey. I have often felt alone. But I'm here, and I'm alive. My relationship is over, but I've made new friends. I'm living in the world now instead of inside my head. I've taken control over my life instead of just drifting hopelessly from one day to the next. I am looking eagerly to the future. I'm becoming happier and more empowered because I am alive.

I could not do any of these things if I were dead.

[Nicky]

The people that you will miss, the people you love, the people you care about, sunshine, eating chocolate, rain, friendships not had, lovers to be found, sadness, happyness, burning stuff, gardening.... it could be a long list. I think life is worth it for it's own sake. It is worth hanging around to find out what makes it worth it.

At the moment you are probably in a bad place, I'm really sorry to hear that. Know that things can get better and suicide is really just a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

[Lara]

I think that I owe it to the readers to enlighten them of who I am, because so many of you don't know me I'd like to think I'm well known in the chat side of Susan's, but here, I am still a newbie.

I am Lara. I started transition in March of this year. I've been quite full speed ahead with everything I'm doing, and the only thing that slows me down is money and time. I've been on HRT since the end of March, and voice therapy for roughly the same bit of time. I'm 6'1", too tall, I think, but no surgery can correct that, now can it? I'm 100% out to all my friends and relatives, and mostly, it's good.

So there, now you have a little history of me. Just thought you'd like to know!

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Lara,

For me it means freedom.  Freedom to be who I was meant to be. Freedom to be who I am. Freedom to be who I want to be.

Janet

[Crypt77]

I agree with what Vanessa said on this matter. Actually that was pretty inspiring.

I believe being anything in this world is hard. Either way there are things that will get in the way and make each path you take even harder and sometimes even more annoying. Being transgender is hard since the majority of society really does not understand it, but that's something that makes the journey for us.

But what matters is what you feel inside of you that makes you feel like you. Life is not a journey on finding yourself, it's about making yourself who you want to be. At least that's what I think it is.

[ArleneTgirl]

Hi Lara,

For me it means freedom.  Freedom to be who I was meant to be. Freedom to be who I am. Freedom to be who I want to be.

Janet

Janet, that is it exactly.  Living your life with complete and total freedon.  It makes everything a joy.

[Naturally Blonde]

Life is hard. No doubt no matter who you are in life, this is true at one time or another, but it's exceptionally hard when you are a transsexual. When we face the hardships of acceptance, appearance, voice, height, acquaintances, family, and sheer cost of everything, what does one do to keep on the path? It seems overwhelming at times, and even more so when you have no help. I can understand why so many of us commit suicide, but I am hoping that they simply didn't bother to ask the question: what makes it worth it? That is where I am. I need to know. Thanks

I know where you are coming from and I sometimes feel it's just not worth it. I don't have a voice problem, I don't have a height problem and I don't have a family problem. But I still get depressed about it and end up in tears if I get any kind of knock back (no matter how small) it's terrible for my self esteem. On the other hand I wouldn't want to live as a guy and would find that more of a problem.

I've always looked quite feminine but I get very depressed by the lack of my physical development in the female areas such as the butt, thighs and breast area. I'd like to improve my ratio so that the upper body is smaller and lower body bigger. HRT has been very limited in my case despite being on hormones full time for nearly a decade.

Transition is not something I would personally recommend and if it can be avoided I think it's probably better to do so in some cases. It's not a game and for some people it's a complete change of lifestyle. More people should do their research before they consider something like this as the reality might not meet their expectations.

[Lara]

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I do appreciate it. I have up moments as well as down, but the down ones really weigh down on me. I know that eventually it will all be worth it in the end, and I will be happy. It's the getting there that is the hardest part.

[GinaDouglas]

I wrote in my book that, as a male, I was usually unhappy when I had legitimate reasons to be happy, but as a female I am usually happy, even though I have legitimate reasons to be unhappy.

[MasterAsh]

what makes it worth it?

The ability to love oneself, truly and completely, inside and out, in success or failure, every day.

. . .That's my aim, anyway.

[heatherrose]

To echo Ms. Pink,

What makes the climb up any mountain worth it? Is it the view from the summit,
though it is spectacular it seems that that would be a pretty crappy return on
your investment of time and effort. So, what does makes it worth it? Possibly
it is knowledge that no matter the odds, despite the nay sayers, YOU achieved
that which may only mean something to you. Also from your conquered summit,
you have an outstanding vantage point to view all of the summits
that you now know it is possible for you to conquer, also.

[Northern Jane]

When I was young I would have answered "Nothing!" Every day was a struggle, every day seemed to have some kind of painful experience. I didn't know who I was; I didn't even know WHAT I was only that I didn't fit anywhere, in anything. Girls regarded me with suspicion and I made guys nervous. I had to guard my every word and be conscious of how I "presented" lest I get berated.

After transition/SRS at age 24 everything was just totally natural. I could speak, act, move as I felt and it just all totally fit. I found myself surrounded with new friends, the life of the party, and very outgoing. Now, 35 years later, it is so clear to me that I spent the first part of my life in a foreign land, somewhere where I didn't speak the language, didn't understand the customs, and was obviously a stranger.

What made the first 24 years worth it was the next 35!

[Renate]

Having strangers tell you that you smile all the time.

[chrysalis]

Hi Lara,

For me it means freedom.  Freedom to be who I was meant to be. Freedom to be who I am. Freedom to be who I want to be.

Janet

Precisely. I came here to post this. Perfect.

[Naturally Blonde]

Topic: What makes it worth it?

I'm still trying to figure that out. I can't answer that question as I sometimes think it isn't worth it. Maybe if I was 12 years old at the start of transition I would say it was worth it.