Darling: this is all part of the process. Once you FINALLY come to grips about who you are inside, and have sorted out all your gender identity issues in your brain, then you'll want it NOW! You'll be excited,anxious,nervous,up and then down. Take a deep breath, and tell yourself, this is the beginning of my new quest for life, a journey unlike any other. I want to enjoy myself as I change, grow, develop and become another being. Don't push yourself to fast or hard through this phase. Give it time.
There will be two monumental moments coming in your life that you alone will have to face; One is the death of your former self, and believe me, you will cry, grieve, and hurt inside as your maleness dies, and your kicked out the of club... next is when you have that KA-POW moment; you'll be looking at your self daily in the mirror as you transition, looking for every little cue and sign that you are changing. One day you'll inadvertently catch a glimpse of yourself in a window reflection, or a mirror, and your breath will taken away in a momentary gasp...when you see yourself as this creature you've been waiting for.
For me, when it happened, I stopped in my tracks, and said right out loud in a gasp; " Oh my God!" Giggling, I got all most tearful, when I finally saw that female, which was me, in the mirror for the first time. You'll never forget it!
Mine took place one day as I stepped out the shower, and I glanced at the wall mirror, and saw this wet,naked female looking back.
KA-POW! I had been on hormones for about 2 1/2 years ( your brain has finally shifted gears, and see's the new you, instead of searching for the old one. )
Next thing hon, is this; you will go through what all young teen girls go through. A new sort of puberty. Many emotional swings, including crying, anger, depression, and being totally bonkers, and goofy, as your brain re-adjusts to a whole new hormonal influence.
Many men call it the taming of the monster inside them. Your breasts will hurt,itch,burn, throb as they grow into female breasts. They will be very tender, and you'll be very aware of them. Your groin will ache, and itch, as well as your testicles shrinking, and eventually, getting an erection will hurt like hell. Your skin and hair will change and smell different. You should start to see your hips and thighs developing, and your rear end getting more female like. You'll loose muscle mass, and strength. With a little practice, you can easily find that perfect female voice in you. I was shocked when all of a sudden I sounded exactly like my sisters and mother. My dad and brothers all have deep voices. I was always a softer , and slightly higher voiced male.
After about six months of massive hormonal therapy, I could tell something was going on in my brain. Everyone who knew me noticed it too.
To them and for me, I was the biggest air-headed blonde you'd ever want to meet. Even today, I am not the thinker I used to be. People laugh at me all the time, because of the goofy,silly things I do or say. Even I'm surprised at it. Logic and me, where never close friends. I was never a typical male before. Never aggressive or manly, but more of an androgen individual. Aloof!
I am constantly in awe or bewilderment daily. My husband calls me a goofy-girl. He say's I am either amused or amazed, or just out of it! HUH?!?
I am unable to clearly, or logically make a decision...My whole family laughs and chuckles at me all the time, as I try to explain or relate to something...They say my brain is fried!
My sisters ask me all the time; GEE WIZ, RENE, what world are you living in?
If your a male that has always been in charge,the decision maker, planner, Boss or whatever, you could end up not being those in the end. Trust me, you will lose male respect, and will at one point, no longer be a member of their exclusive club...you'll be diminished. Often times, ignored even. Your opinion will mean nothing to them. For many transsexual M-F's, this is something that is very hard for them to accept. You'll also start to find males get quite, or change their subjects when you come around. Why? Because you are not one of them! Also, expect them to try to gross you out! Men love doing that...
I was always a follower...never the leader. Yet, for me anyway, I have lost some of my cognitive abilities. My IQ was 132...Hmmm.
I'll bet I'm below 100 now! At least it seems like it...
Last I want to post this tidbit. Once your are female, and your male life is long gone, you will not be the same sexual creature that you were before. You'll be very aware of men, and you will see how they act and relate to females from a whole new perspective.
Do not expect that they will all like you, or think your HOT. Because that would be unrealistic. Not every female is going to like you or accept you either. In fact, Girls and Women are very competitive with each other, and very very catty. Women will constantly size you up, and try to one up you, just like men do. Women are also love to talk about their kids and their accomplishments, their husbands career success's, other female friends, or family, and most especially themselves. They are only inclusive to those they deem fit to be into their daily paradigms. You will find that there are ALFA females like like there in for men. Sometimes in a work setting, there may be a clique of Alfa Females, ( queen bee's ) and they will eat you alive if you mess with them and try to usurp them in a male fashion.
Even though I know I am attractive or pretty...I am not hot, or beautiful. I also know that I did not grow up as a girl, and therefore, much of how real girls learn,grow, and develop with the female social hierarchy and social structures around them, I cannot relate to that. I can't talk about high school dating, or college experiences. There are no prom stories, current or former boyfriend tales to tell. No pregnancy experiences, or deliveries. No talking about being on my period. (Although I have been asked many times if I have an extra tampon.) Often times women just want a sympathetic ear, and someone to bounce their troubles off of. Not a man, but, another woman. A friend.
You'll know your in their club, when they want to talk about their husbands or boyfriend troubles with you and ask for your advice. You'll know when you have actually made that cross-over into their world, when you begin to see each one as an individual with their own distinct moods, and sensitivities. You can read them, and they can read you as well, without having alarms going off about you.
There is a magic moment, when you can be with 3 or 4 other genetic females and all laugh together at the same thing, in the same manner, and know your all on the same page. It is also magic when they include you in on inside jokes.
The final test is when you can be around others children, especially little girls, and they don't stare at you with those piercing eyes of trying to figure you out. They show no innate fear of you. Rather an easy acceptance, and they will smile at you, if you smile at them. Same goes for their Mothers. Women in general will give each other a slight smile or acknowledgment of acceptance.
You must know when they are looking at in an admiring fashion, or looking at you with trepidation. Women are very protective of their children, and don't like weirdo's looking at them.
Your final exam is when 12 to 18 year old females can't immediately read you, and then point you out to other friends. If this happens, your sending off huge mixed signals, and you'll be outed every time. A red flag is too much make up, the wrong hair style for your age or face, and wearing non age appropriate clothing. Unfortunately, huge feet and huge massive hands are another dead give away.
I have never thought that big build, rough looking men, should ever try to become Post Op Transsexual women. You know the type. The Nasty Biker, or the Big Lumber Jack or Outdoor Construction Worker types. A man covered in shocking tattoos and who has a ruddy weather beaten complexion, isn't going to make it. Sorry. I know that hurts to read, but, there has to be a recognition of reality. All your doing is setting yourself up for a lot of regrets and hurting the TS world at large. Not everyone can make it.
If I come off as elitist, I am sorry.
Where I have lived, I have seen them all, and it gets real freaky I'm afraid.
I could on forever...but I'll stop here for now
Thanks
CG
