re-post my introduction

[Jeni]

Hi I am new to the site and have never discussed these things with anybody ever before. I think it is about time I did.

A brief history...

My earliest memory is of wanting my Mom to paint my fingernails. I was about five. My folks have a cute little picture of me pulling out dresser drawers to climb up to my Moms jewelry box, I remember that too, but they didn't know that I wanted to wear jewelry like Mom. That was at about five too. There was some young girls clothing stored in my bedroom that I used to try on sometimes. Then I was eventually caught wearing panty hose a few years later.

Because I felt my Mom and Dad wouldn't love me anymore I learned to suppress my feminine instincts but they never went away. I don't think a single day in my life has gone by where a large number of mental clock cycles haven't been dedicated to thinking about it.

I had a young friend, Jenny. She was so cute I wanted to be just like her. Thats where I got the name Jeni from.

It drove me nuts when I was a teen. I used to sneak and wear girls clothes every chance I got. But I never came out about it. I always kept it hidden away. I was afraid of what my parents and my brothers and family friends and friends would think. Blatant cowardice.

I even went so far as to get married and have kids being determined to live a "normal" life. I love my kids and would die for them but I can't help but think that I didn't mess up from the very begining by not exerting my need to be female.

Now my youngest son is getting older and I am starting to think that I don't want to get old and die without ever having lived as a woman. I agonize over this every day and have every day of my life.

I don't even know where to start. I have never even been with a guy before. I guess you could call me a virgin. Having sex with a woman for me was duty not drive. But when I finally have sex with a guy I don't want it to be like a guy on guy thing. Maybe that sounds weird but I really want to be the girl in the relationship.

I have another problem in that I don't look or sound feminine at all. I hate looking in a mirror because I just see a guy looking back at me and I hate that.

I have done some blogging on other sites. Not related to sexual subjets. I found that people were just assuming I was a girl. I really liked that. I don't know for sure but I felt like that was because the real person inside me was coming out in conversation. People accepted me as a female, hurray.

But that just highlights the greater point. I can't say for sure that I was born as a woman in a mans body but I can definitely say that I feel that way and have as long as I can recall. Now the question is what to do about it.

I should have come out when I was young. I should have come out when I was a teen. I should have come out before I got married. I should have come out before I had children.

I have no idea how to get from here to there but I felt talking about it with others who would understand was a good place to start.

Thank you for listening.

[Wendy C]

Hi Jeni, I think you have made a start in just recognizing that things are pointing there way towards your questioning your Gender and feelings. Until you establish where you stand on gender issues, I think worrying about sex and relations should be put off for awhile. Dont overload yourself with too many issues at once.

The advice I try to give to anyone asking gender questions about themselves is to consider seeing a Gender Therapist that is versed in and sypathetic to transsexuals. Do not worry too much about your age, I was 60 when I actually allowed myself to transition. I am still married and have children and grandchildren. I will say that I finally have a measure of peace in my life.

Whatever you decide to do with your feelings, just remember that you need to take your time, and if this is your destiny than it will come on its terms.
Hugs

Wendy

[Jeni]

Thank you so much Wendy,

For your advice and just for being nice and talking with me.

[gennee]

Welcome to the site, Jeni. My name is pronouced J-e-n-n-y, too. Wendy's gives some good advice. You need to sort out the gender issues. I came out as transgender and a crossdresser 3 1/2 years ago at age 56. My spouse and son know that I dress. Today, I'm a happy and content 60 year young transgender and cross dresser.

Gennee  

[lizbeth]

Hi Jeni!