Hi,
I've been cruising the boards for a while now and finally got what it takes to join. Now in my mid 50s, born XY. Parents and society beat, whipped and stamped out any trace of feminine at 4 when I made the "mistake" of declaring I wanted a bottom half like my sister's. Mental, emotional and physical abuse followed that drove 'her' underground for 50 years. One year of PTSD therapy and a book called "Invisible Partners" convinced me that 'she' was very much alive and needed to live in order for me to be whole. She is now tentatively expressing like she did at 4.
My wife of 30 years and I are grappling with the difficult job of nurturing a 4-6 year old girl inside a middle aged XY body.
Had I been able to join a forum like this 30 or 40 years ago, I would have discovered I was not indeed unique and could have eased the horrendous and overwhelming sense of fear that still pervades every day.
I love my wife more than anything or anyone and know that I hurt her when I appeared one night almost 30 years ago in her clothes. I also know I hurt her all these years by my deception and fear of being discovered. I projected my hurt and rejected 'her' onto my wife and that wasn't fair.
Everything is now 95% out in the open and neither of us has the tension headaches we use to have. As Alice Miller says, "The Body Never Lies." We are now enjoying free thoughts and speech and my wife realizes she did nothing wrong to 'cause' me to want to be XX. For the first time in my life I've been able to say I wish I'd been born XX and not fear a beating or humiliation. It's a wonderful feeling!
After too long hiding in the prison of my mind, the best advice I can give is what so many others give on this forum. Live your life as you. Only you know who and what you are. I compare that to the first time you picked up a pen or pencil and knew instinctively which hand to write or draw with.
Keep up the great work!
