Best Friend suddenly very distant :(

[fusi]

Hi all

There is something that is worrying me - my best and oldest friend Dan who i have known for 9 years appears to have quite abruptly cut contact with me – for no seemingly obvious reason. I met him at Uni and we have kept in touch ever since, even through my coming back home, some 150+ miles away.

I go and visit him every few months (or rather, he picks me up - he drives from his place, all the way to mine and back again in a single day) and I feel we have a really deep personal bond – we talk about intensely personal things that I don't talk to any one else about and I'm sure it's the same for him.

Now, the last time we met up was the beginning of October, and we had a good time (we went to Gordon Ramsay's Restaurant in London, saw Elbow live at the Roundhouse in Camden Town and Tracy a mutual friend of ours 'did me up', makeup and all – its was great!) – and ever since then I've tried calling him, sending him text messages and emails and I've had absolutely nothing back bar one text message a week ago which basically said that he's feeling down and will call me "if he feels up to it".

This is so totally unlike him – we would usually chat every weekend for hours at a time about what's going on in ours lives but since this last visit there has been no communication whatsoever. I have spoken with my other friends who live down there and they say he seems fine.

I'm concerned about his wellbeing but I'm also worried that I might have done or said something that has really upset or offended him and he didn't feel he could raise it with me – though in all honesty I can't think of what that might be.

I am going to take the bus down there next weekend in the hope of seeing him – I will see some other friends while I'm down and maybe stay with them or go into a hotel – see, I would usually stay with Dan. I just hope, pray and wish he calls me before I leave.

I don't know what's going through his head and he wont let me in and I'm worried – what should I do?

fusi
x

[lady amarant]

I'm sorry to hear honey.

Since I've come out and started transition, I've had the same experience with my oldest and dearest friend. We've known each other since primary school. All I can say to you is the same hope I hold for myself: That he can see his way through whatever aspect of what I'm doing makes him uncomfortable, and eventually get back in touch again. I'm not going to force him though. I've tried to keep the friendship going from my side through email and calls and stuff, and yeah, one gets the distinct feeling he's only replying out of a sense of obligation. So yeah. The ball is in his court.

Hugs fusi. I hope that the situation with your friend isn't like mine - that he's just caught up with work or has other things demanding his attention. If it is a case of ... discomfort with you, I hope your friend comes around soon.

~Simone.

[lizbeth]

I don't know your backstory, but if you have been out to him for a while now with him accepting I think I might have an explanation. especially if you were very open with each other when you presented as male.

maybe he is seeing you as a completely new person now, and doesn't see you as the best friend of so many years. maybe now he sees you as the new girl and is feeling shy or even attracted to you?  the roles we portay as female to female and male to male and female/male to male/female are all very different in their social queues.

I guess what I'm trying to say here, is that if there is a silver lining, maybe it's that he sees you completely as  who you are now and not who you were then?

[fusi]

He called me last night. and yep - i'd p!ssed him off. ha i knew it. although he was feeling down and depressed it wasn't the real reason why he hadn't contacted me - it was just some bullsh!t excuse not to talk to me.

it was all about the night that Tracy did my make-up and everything - he basically took offence to me 'using' him to get me there and back again and wasting his time, when at the time i was _damned_ sure he said he didn't have any problems about it - i guess he needs to be more vocal about his feelings - i don't have any major regrets to be brutally honest - i'm glad i went to Tracy's and did all that - sorry for being a bit of a bitch but if he isn't man enough to stand up and let himself be heard then.. tough doodoo? stop acting like a tool?

tbh i'm a bit angry at him for just blanking me out for so long over something so seemingly trivial - maybe i'm just a cold callous selfish bitch who misses some important facet of this issue :/

we've made up and everything now but its going to take a bit of time for ME to forgive HIM. well. i cant be too hard, he did call me and fess up eventually - after just over TWO MONTHS. ill be sure to try and not p!ss him off in the future - i might not hear form him for a year or something.

i just read over what ive just written and i really sound like a proper evil bitch - sorry, that all just sort of turdspurted out of my head :/ - but its written now and im not going to remove it (and ive got terrible tooth ache and its making me really ratty >:F) :@ i love him dearly and it would break my heart if i never saw him again because he means so much to me as a friend, despite my acidic ventilating bickering.

im going to go and see him this coming weekend (getting the bus there and back - 2 days travelling for 1 day there - ouch) - try and smooth things over, get back to how things were - well, i dunno we'll see, i think the problem is more his side than mine and ill do everything i can to make him feel comfortable in being open with me again - because he bloody well should be!

why do men fold in on themselves! just say what's on your mind dammit! GAH!

im officially a complete bitch arent i