SCARBOROUGHFAIR
Ever wondered about whdelete at's behind the screen name "scarboroughfair"?
This song is one of my favorites. Though it represents a deep sadness
within me that's not always consciously present but always pulls from
beneath the surface. I cry whenever I hear it. So many thoughts
rushing. I think of an old English town on a breezy cloudy fall day,
streets of cobblestone and the leaves are in peak colors. How simple
things were back then, but the streets are empty, I walk alone in
this vision. There is an eerie darkness in my mind as I continue down
the cobble stone street in my imagination. An endless depth of
loneliness and despair. Like the twilight zone I am alone with not
another living soul in the world. Just me, remembering the good times
of family, fretting over regrets, consumed by guilt of my actions
and wrong doings in my life. Over and over the memories of a life
that once was but now ceases to exist. Can't take it back, your no
longer around to warm your tired old heart. Your presence was my
comfort, but I continually hurt you because of my own short comings.
I dream that I can go back in time to make things better, give me one
more chance god. I fall into the pit of fruitless painful fantasy
dreaming of what could have been if I was there for you. I see you as
a happy spirit rather than the bitter soul you were. Cooking old
country recipes in the kitchen of our 300 year old cottage, simple
times, no distraction, no long hours at work, just long hours by your
side in the garden gathering our food. No technology, no cars or
computers, no hate and depression. Just me and my family. The song
ends and I open my eyes to find myself shaken back to reality. Only
to find the moment quickly fades with the rushing around, the worry
of the bills, my sexuality issues, the dysfunction of the family unit
sets in and all is forgotten with scarboroughfair. The arguing and
bickering starts, the hateful thoughts creep in, you f@ckin
b$tch, get off my @ass! Why? Why do loved ones treat each other in
this way, then regret it when one passes. How is it I know the
outcome of what's to be if I can't straighten out my family but yet,
lay around like a schmuck muddled in depression and distraction
feeling I was born the wrong sex and to top it off having a
compulsive obsessive disorder? Why can't the human mind remain
peaceful, silent and at ease? Why does negative out power the
positive when one knows full well the benefits of positive energy?
Why is greed and lust at the front of the priority list with this
species we know as human? Is it any wonder why I contemplate my own
suicide more and more? Am I a genius?! Or am I mentally ill?! I can't
change the way I see the world, and working things out with the
family appears damn near impossible. Forever torn I am. I want to
leave to be free as a woman, but I can't stand the thought of
abandoning my family in a cruel world such as this. I see my own
emotional demise coming around the corner as blackness surrounds my
world engulfing me in depression. I can't even have any friends
because I am different than most, paranoid and critical of others
including my own family. I get a friend, I lose that friend. Templar
knight, you are right about that much, I do walk alone. I have a lot
of good days where I feel fine, but the hurt always pulls beneath the
surface never letting me forget that it's there and waiting to
swallow my soul. That's scarboroughfair for ya.
