Sometimes I Feel Like a Murderer?
Well the thought had crossed my mind during my early transitioning, before I came out full time. Anyway here is a repeat performance of my story for any of who may not have read my story before.
I guess that would be 10 years ago now, well, it was a few years before I started my full time. I came home and kicked my shoes off and sat on the couch to relax and begin my daily meditations.
I found myself floating in a thick grey fog, then a short time later I felt my feet touching some type of surface. I thought I had heard something in the distance and stopped stalk still to listen more intently for the sound I thought I had heard. I could hear what sounded like the soft sobbing of a child, the sound was much closer then I had first thought.
I followed the sobbing until I saw the small hunched-over form of a young child. The child stopped whimpering momentarily, maybe sensing my presence, then resumed her whimpering again. Her shoulders shaking at each whimper. It was a little girl. She wore a blue dress with white frilly sleeves and hem and had two blue ribbons in her hair. To my judgment the little girl was not much over six years old. She looked up at me with tear-smeared sad eyes. I reached out to embrace her in my arms but as soon as I touched her it was like an electrical shock, I was sent flying backwards through the thick fog once more where I found myself drifting in that same grey void I had arrived in.
A short time latter the fog thinned and was whisked away as though by a strong wind, I was once again able to see my surroundings. My surroundings were not immediately familiar to me until a short time later I found myself back to the days of early childhood. I then began to move like a movie on fast forward, where I seen myself feeling and experiencing every emotional scene from earliest childhood to the present time, which at the time was the year 2000.
I was overwhelmed by all these feelings I had experienced as I sat there doing the only thing that made sense at the time: releasing it through the most profound soul depth cry I had ever had before in my life.
The next vision I had was not long after the first one.
Possibly a year later, just prior to my going full time, I again was sitting on the couch meditating, and once again found myself floating in the grey fog. When the fog cleared and I looked about to get my bearings on my surroundings. From the fog emerged another dark form. The form wore some type of cloak and stood on a large triangularly shaped stone slab holding a broad sword point down on the stone slab. I thought that odd, no warrior would treat their sword thusly
I approached the dark form, and suddenly it jumped off the stone slab, raising the sword over its head. I was quite aware of the possibility that the intent of this entity whom by now appeared to be quite familiar to me but could not quite place. It never entered my mind that this person may have the intent to impale me with the sword. For some reason I did not fear him, I just stood my ground staring him in the eyes, the eyes as they had been coined, the windows to the soul.
Unmoved and unafraid I watched intently this warrior's every movements and actions action as he took another couple of steps forward. I could see his face clearly now and as the full realization and recognition suddenly sunk in, sending tiny tendrils of goose flesh all over me. A slight breeze arose, ruffling my long hair and ruffling the hem of my long skirts. I continued standing transfixed before this warrior whom I knew to be part of me in a previous life..
This man lowered the sword, holding it in both hands before him, he then knelt down on his right knee and placed the broad sword on the ground before him, then stood up straight as a soldier and proclaimed that he would fight no more. I was expecting some type of military salute or something but he only stood very straight and still for a couple of seconds studying me. Then turned and walked back toward the stone slab, took his cloak off and draped the stone slab with it, then climbed up and laid on his cloak and within a few second he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.
Cindy emerged a short time later. And yes, that was the first time in my life that I had actually seen myself in any type of manifestation in a dream, and it was the last time. Cindy was on her own, but then Cindy truly loves her life. It has been a truly wonderful journey, experience and discovery of who I truly am. Maybe someday I will write my story in it's entirety.
Cindy
