therapy, friends, and well, everything

[Linda]

Ok,
First, while I don't post often, I've been reading so many of the forums. I want to express my deepest respect to all here. So many, trying to be there for the rest,it's beautiful, really. So much wisdom, esp. noted in those I percieve as younger than I. I wish I had this sorta thing when I was younger. oh, my age? 40ish

Now, a little more about me,,,

I thought I could just  ignore all these emotions. (HA!) In Sept. 2007, I donate my wardrobe to SallyAnns, (Salv. Army) about $300-$500 (10 years collection, not my first purge, but certainly the most costly. (ie:more femme clothes than guys at the time). All this I bought myself at dept. stores. After my last purge, I ran outta home-state to work with a freind, doing guy work. Gonna b a Man! Yeah! Right!

Flash back to 2005, after a long time alone, working as a guy, going home to get en femme, ( I had everything, curlers, irons, makeup, the whole bath set, many outfits, mostly conservative, some less so,  ,etc,,, ), a girl I met at a party gives me her contact info, so I hide Linda. We've been together 4 years, but now , I can't stop Linda from emerging, as she always does. I stopped, so I thought. Put her in the closet as it were. But she doesn't stay there. Here I both lament and cherish.

Way back I confided in a few select family and friends. A year after I told my best "guy" friend about this, he comes out me me!!! Nows she's been full time ts mtf for about three or four years.

I've had a couple relationships, with females, who either found out by snooping, or she just tickled my fancy just so and saw me fer real,. Thay were both more than accepting, sorta-kinda, except for the intimate stuff, which I'll skip 4 now. I've told some family, and some friends, about my cd/ts issues, but never had the, uh, b---s, to dress for them.

Oh, my point? I'm about to be introduced to a fine trans-gender specialist. I'm really freaked about this, sorta. Because after 4 decades of playing hide and seek, I still don't know where I fit, or who I am. Again, my props to all the insightful family I see here. Your help to others has been most helpful to me. I do wish I weren't so timid/shy, and I hope to find what you all have to be so open and commucative with eachother.

That's it for now, maybe I should have posted a re-introduction instead.

Thank you all, for being here.
xo
Linda

[Sephirah]

I think in some ways, we never really know totally who we are or where we fit, honey. The best we can do is have a pretty good idea based on how we feel. After all, the the person you know yourself as isn't necessarily the person that others know you as.

And hopefully, this therapist will be able to work with you and help you along the road to find some answers to the questions you have about yourself and who you are. And if not, that's okay as well... as long as you know something afterwards that you didn't know beforehand, then it will have been worth it. *hugs*

How do you feel as Linda, honey? How does being her speak to you on an intuitive level? That's a good starting point, I think. Sit down somewhere nice and peaceful, find some time where you have nothing urgent to do, and reflect a little on yourself.

Don't think. Feel.

Thoughts are fleeting, and change like the weather. The rational part of your mind is hell bent on making sense of everything, ordering and putting things neatly into little boxes so there are no loose ends. It's unreliable in terms of identity. Go with your 'gut instinct', go with your heart.

Close your eyes and picture a few different scenarios:

Envision firstly living the rest of your life in male guise, with no aspect of Linda present at all. How does that make you feel?

Then see yourself living the rest of your life as Linda, fully, no trace of any male influence whatsoever. How does that make you feel?

Finally, picture a mixture of the two... doing the things you need to as male, but with the ability to be Linda whenever you want to. How does that make you feel?

Maybe doing that will give you a little insight into the way you feel about yourself, and who you see yourself as when you look with your heart instead of your head.

*hugs* Don't worry about being shy, honey. You've already shown tremendous strength of character and resolve for even wanting to deal with these things. So you have more inside you than maybe you think you do. And it's perfectly understandable to be a little hesitant. But you don't have any reason to be shy here, Linda. We're all here for each other, and that includes you, sweetie.

The more little steps you take, the more you'll find you can take, and the confidence will come on its own. Just take it one thing at a time and you'll get through it.

I hope everything goes great with the therapist and you really hit it off... not to mention I hope they're helpful and that you get some benefit from seeing them.

PS... age is just a number. There's plenty of time for you to achieve whatever you want to, y'know.

[shaniam]

With my therapist, I think I spent the first six months mostly talking about my love life. LOL I think I was just in the process of learning to trust her, finding out where she was coming from, and she never pushed me on the trans issues. When it came time to discuss it, we did and I started my transition about a year ago. I'm happy with the decision, but probably only because I took the time to consider all the options and ramifications.

The nice thing about therapy is that, with any good therapist, the subject will be your whole life. Not just the trans issue, but how does being trans fit into everything else. Transitioning isn't easy, and it's certainly not for everyone. The decision to transition or not is a very big one, probably the biggest decision any of us will ever make, and it's important to not rush into it. For me, it was important to know I was doing the right thing.

-Shan

[Pariah]

I don't know WHAT to say, but I like to say something because it's always been in my nature to try my darndest to help where I can.

I may not be family status like so many the golden beacons here, but I can say that it's natural to have anxiety over finally getting to step into a new light of discovery-especially ourselves, not just others. But it's a great move, and a step in the right direction. Talking to someone is as uplifting as taking a hot bath/shower after a LOOONG day of work. Same basic principle, I guess.

Ugh, I didn't come off very helpful. Just GO FOR IT!

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Linda,

I fought for 54 years about or as long as I can remember.  Tried to transition once and fell into the 'normal' life trap.  Now 25 years since then I am finally in transition.  Was it hard.  Not this time, I was ready, willing and able.  Will I run into hard times? Maybe.  But this time if I do it will be as a woman.

I am 3 months now into my new life.  And I could not be happier.  And in the motto of Nike, "Just Do It".

Janet

[Linda]

Linda hugs everyone

Thank you, everyone. It's all very comforting, the advice, and the perspectives you've offered.

Leiandra, I will follow your advice. I've reflected on myself so very often, but the comparisons you suggested is very helpful, sound advice.

I sometimes wonder why I just can't be open about it. Not everyone knows, and some, like my brother, I'm sure, would likely dis-associate me.

My biggest issue is how to express this to someone I've been seeing for almost three years. When she came into my life, after many years of not having anyone close to me, I was so overwhelmed that anyone would even want me that I've kept it secreted from her. I let my arms, legs and chest get fuzzy before we, uh, you know. Wah! I want this stuff off me.

This is a concern to me because I've lost Love before, due in part to all this. (One lost Love ended a 12 year relationship, where I dressed almost daily at home), the loss was devastating, but she was like, "I need to do this and you need to do that,,", it crushed me. Is that silly? That's when I told some folks about my tg issues, cause they were like, "Why'd she leave?"  I couldn't lie to them.

My current Love, she's a simple, hardworking girl with a huge heart. I feel like I've committed some kind of betrayal by not telling her from the start. Sometimes she alludes to *things , that's where I just smile, (prb'ly blush), wave it off with some kind of remark. I'm not sure how she'll react. She'll probably clock me upside my head.

We talk about moving in together after her youngest graduate's high school, and she needs to know before that. This I know for sure. This might be TMI, but we rarely have those intimate moments. I'm really affectionate, but being, like the male, in that regard, has always been a struggle for me, very uncomfortable. I often wonder why she keeps me around.
I'm hoping the therapy will help me to see how deep, (as if I don't already know) this runs, and how to communicate it to her. I'm actually kind of afraid to know, because of what I feel.

,,, anyways, enough about me for now. I'm off to the forums to get to know y'all better.

Thanks again.
xxoo

[vanna]

Hi Linda

your story was really touching and i suspect relevant to so many other people here too. The day i transitioned i suddenly found myself reborn after spending 33 years in darkness and i have never thought for one min to look back.

Im never going to be the smartest kid on the block but i love to feel my way through life now and let my emotions run. Something i could never fully do as a male.

Good luck on your transition hunny and with your therapy all i can add that hasnt been said so much better is just tell them how and who you really are.

[Ms.Behavin]

Been there done that.  Came out to my love of my life 3 years after we met that I was actually a girl inside.  Sigh....That was a hard time.  Oddly we're still friends, but just friends.  But Now I have a love who sees me as me and who also knows my past and accepts me now.  No it was not easy at all,  but then again no one ran away screaming either

Your girl friend needs to know as it's only fair to her.  That is unless Linda will always stay hidden, which I'm pretty sure we both know is not going to happen.  Sorry dear, welcome to the club.

Beni

[Linda]

more thanks,, and hugs

My gf will be told, sometime after the holidays pass. She's having hardtimes now. For the first time her oldest is not going to be with us for the up-coming holidays and she doesn't need something like this on top of everything else she's going through. Maybe I should just, get out of her life. I don't know,,, might be better. "Run Away! Run Away!"

I'm wondering, as I truely want therapy assistance for my issues, do I really need therapy to tell her?  I might get insight about HOW to tell her? As one stated, "unless Linda will always stay hidden, which I'm pretty sure we both know is not going to happen". Nope, not likely. And as I posted earlier, I half expect her to knock me out when I do tell her. 

I feel that she has a very binary view of the sex/gender stuff. Ex: One time she was telling me she was going to play Wii with her friend, I asked if I could go. She replied, "you don't want to hang out with a bunch of girls, do you?" I just said, "Why not?" Inside my head, though, I was screaming, YES,YES,YES! 

Goddess, help me!! You all have been great help, too. It's nice to be able to talk about this with people in the same situations.

[Patriciaz]

Ladies,
You have all probably heard this before, but, what a relief it is to hear someone else tell me about the events and feelings in my own life. Linda, you are struggling and so are others with the same basic issues. What a relief to hear all this! I just can't tell you how grateful I am to read these posts.

I have done the same amount of purging, running away, and denial as several of you here in this particualr topic. I have suffered trying to tell someone a care about only to have her leave my life. I have spent the last 5 years living on my own trying to avoid this and be who I am supposed to be. So much conflict, so much confusion, so much pain.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for being so open with your feelings and experiences.
I suppose we really can live through all this somehow.

[Linda]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for being so open with your feelings and experiences.
I suppose we really can live through all this somehow.

Patriciaz,
Thank you, kindly,  for your reponse. Sometimes, I feel like all I do is read the posts. Like I don't know as much as to help others. It's kind of you to express how I (and those whom responded to this thread) may have helped you. *hugs*.

I find so much compassion, encouragement, and trust here. I was so scared of what I would reveal,,, Ok, here come the water works,,,

Thank you all, I love you all,,,
Linda

[Patriciaz]

Linda,
You are not the only one crying today.
I am actually feeling happy through all the tears.
Please be well.

Love to all of you.