there are times when I so hate to think about my young life. There were 5 of us, all male, and I happened to be the oldest of the set. It wasn't to hard in the very early years, there were only I and 3 brothers, the last was born when I was 17. I never got to really know that one well as I moved to my fathers home to get away from the life my mother led, and her tendancy to make a "Man" of me.
It was a lot of pressure as I was the oldest and expected to raise my brothers and take all the heat. Everyone was always in a lot of trouble back then and it was always up to me to make things come out. I got in enough trouble just being me and trying to stay out of trouble. I had to go to school, then work at night and weekends and when home, pick up on the younger ones and all to often take on whoever got in the younger ones faces. It was constant work and fighting, and I had to bring home a check every week and if I lost a fight, my mother came down on me hard. As a teen, I simply got out and went to my Dads.
Then my mother and brothers were always coming to see us and it simply rounded back to the old days, but all in all, my dad was good to me and saw I had what I needed. He never did understand my nature though and wanted me to be male, just not an aggressive one. As it added up though, I was always thought of as an aggressive malcontent, and I spent my time with motorcycles and drugs.
I'll never forget some of the beatings I took when overmatched, but I managed to win most encounters just because I had been raised that way. I used to wish I had a sister or two that I could honestly relate to, but I had to be the "hard one" in order to survive. Things were strange when I was in high school. Most adults and my close friends thought of me as a young man that was just growing up, but the way I hung out and who with was confusing to them. Yes, 4 brothers and I always had to be the toughest one and personally I won't swat flies if they don't bother me, but there are those who just always had to try and show me up, or caught me out with friends who weren't all that masculine and figured I needed a good fight to make me see things clearly.
The next oldest to me was a good friend up until he died earlier this year of a hart attack, the others quit talking to me though when I finally coudn't take it anymore and began Transition. Haven't spoken to the 3rd brother for 20 years now and the next one down hasn't said a word to me in almost 6 years. The youngest one seems to be rather unconcerned, but he has his own problems and I haven't spoken to him in about 5 years. It just seems they gotta be "Men" and I'm an embarrasement to them.
Well, that was all growing up and f things go ok I"ll outlive all of them. It's just the way it is, but I'm happier these days and I seem to get along alright and have few if any problems with other people so All is alright as it goes.
I know I feel somewhat sorry for any one from a male warrior family, it isn't good for your moods and all. If any of them had some sense and could condone not being the king of the hill things would have been a lot happier for me, but its been said that you have to see the rough side of life to appreciate the glory of living. There's a lot I could say here about those days but it brings me down to think about it, I'll just enjoy what I have left.
Terri Gene
