Thankyou all and I must apologize for not being able to explain myself. There literally is no way for me to do so. Please just take it at my word that this is how I must walk through life. What I must change is my
attitude and
mindset. Those are the
only things I can change. Please accept that this has been thought out and discussed. Please accept that I am to walk through this world this way and that my only goal is to make peace with my condition.
I shall tell you of a few reason I cannot alter my appearance. These are but a few. As a young man (?) I was heavily involved in working out, was very, very muscular. Almost competition level bodybuilder (if I could have gotten a tan... this was impossible) and a martial artist. However, due to this bodies' shape I never passed as male. I was always called "ma'am", "she", and "Lady", albeit with a great deal of fear-born respect. This body is quite feminine. At this time in my life I am not of the health nor the finances (I be po') to do any surgical modifications nor hormone therapy. I cannot bind because the breasts are large, fibrous, and painful. The list goes on. And on. And on. Please suffice it to say that I have examined all options and all possible outcomes. I am well-versed in the medical arts and say with foreknowledge of the state of health of this body. Inga, my heart, you know the reason behind all the ones I state that I cannot alter this body.
Please suffice it to say that what I have to deal with is my
mind. I have a lovely Lady who adores me as a
man. She is currently asleep behind me, as a matter of fact. Inga is my angel, my Hero, my raison d'etre. Hence, while my situation is less than optimal, it could be much, much worse.
I am also a vain man. Very. This is a downfall of mine. I do not know if most, or many, or any other transgenders have a set idea of what they should look like that is diametrically opposite from the body they inhabit to the point where no surgical mods can fix it, but I do. For instance, the body in which I reside is 8 inches too short, etc. The eye color of this body is drastically incorrect and this body cannot handle contacts (I have tried). This body is of the incorrect racial combination and coloring. I am vain enough that such things bother me. I wish to look in that mirror and see
me just once. I would like to look down at the hands typing this and see the hands I know I should have... just once. Being closer to my correct "form" would be easier but it would not solve the problem.
I also live in a town where I fear that I would face hostilities as a woman dressing and acting as a man. I think of these brave souls who do this and I applaud their stamina and strength. Inga is called and taunted as "dyke", although I am not certain this is because of me. However, my blood boils when this occurs.
I am seeking support groups but the only one I can locate is once a month and a four hour round trip to drive to. I am also attempting to locate a TG counselor (or one knowledgeable in TG) and the closest one I have located is in the locale of the support group (she runs it) and costs $125 a session. I am not a wealthy man. My loved ones are willing to actually get second jobs to pay for my therapy, however, I know that therapy for someone in my shape must come frequently. That would add up. I would most appreciate any assistance with any other support groups or therapists in Ohio that I might afford.
I am ready to give up but Inga and some of my other friends are not. I am not throwing in the towel because they refuse to themselves. They purchase me trinkets to please me, to remind me they love me, they tell me all the time. It is hard when they and I must walk in public and they, to protect
me from the stares and ridicule I would bear, have to refer to me in the feminine. It does not come naturally to them and it hurts them greatly.
I am not threatening suicide because I would not do this to my loved ones. I also do not self harm for the same reason. Hence, I am "safe". I do not want anyone to think that I am asking for sympathy this way. I am not.
Oh I am hoping to get my Lady Inga to come back to the site
and maybe another of those I love to come.
I am not, indeed, to see the real "me" in this lifetime. I am not going to discuss my philosophies but I believe in the real possibility of seeing the real "me" in another.
What I seek to do now is to live the rest of this life out in as much peace as possible. I seek to be able to step out that door and hear "she", "ma'am", "lady" without either wanting to fight or wanting to cry. Inga has arranged for a local restaurant and hair cutting establishment to know of what I am and to not call me "she" (oh I have long hair because that is
my preference and just get trims). I give these businesses my patronage, of course. Inga calls ahead of time and the word is put out and the only ones dealing with me know to not call me "she".
I seek to understand the dreams and why my mind is doing this to me. I shall post about them in a separate post and ask if these are common.
I am an analytical man. Highly. I believe that with knowledge and understanding I can solve or come to terms with anything. I seek this. I take this problem apart, analyze each piece, put it back together, hoping for peace. I have not found this yet. I do not know anything further than I already do to add to the mix that might affect the outcome of my analyses.
I am throwing myself into this with the hopes that I can find something, somewhere, that shall "click" and grant me this peace. Just coming here and seeing everyone's replies and support of me does help. Just seeing that there is a FtM (and MtF) community helps me. I have been alone all of these years.
Thankyou again for your time.
