pent-up anger about childhood and her not being there...

[Yochanan]

I'm posting here as the child of a trans mother.

Last night we got into it, bad. I must have done something that really pissed her off and then she started lexturing/yelling at me and it just escalated. I won't go into the details. Suffice it to say, I packed my bag and left, stayed at my mom's apartment last night. We kind of worked things out, but... nothing is really resolved. But I'm back home now.

It got me thinking a lot. Every time we fight, the first thing she tells me is to get out or to "make other arrangements". If there's one thing I can say about my biological mom, it's that she NEVER, EVER kicked me out, me or any of my siblings. This just makes it obvious to me that my mom (trans one) just doesn't want me around. I mean... we split up when I was two, and she never had any inclination to try to find me again, and when there was this whole fiasco involving child support, she wanted her parental rights terminated... and now every time she gets mad she automatically just wants me out. I can't help but just feel so... so ANGRY and ENRAGED at her, at the nerve of her... Ok, so maybe I feel like she owes me for my sh*tty childhood. If she'd've been around, I wouldn't have an evil stepfather, my mom wouldn't be ->-bleeped-<-ed on drugs all the time, I wouldn't've quit school, we would never have moved back to South Carolina that year when I lost everything... Sure, we would have had challenges, but if she had been around, it wouldn't've have been so hard. I wouldn't have that part of me that just feels so empty and mad. It makes me think of these song lyrics I related to a lot as a kid, and still do: "I will always be weird inside, I will always be lame." It's silly, I know, but I feel very very angry and there's nothing I can do to change the past, of course, but... I don't know, I'm just infuriated. And I can't take it out on her, because that simply wouldn't be fair, and I can't even talk to her about it because she'll just go into this whole thing about how it wasn't all her fault, which it wasn't. The only thing I fault her for is not finding me because the fact of the matter is that we have been all over the internet, we have never hidden, and SHE COULD HAVE F0UND ME. But she just went off and did her own thing and it ->-bleeped-<-ed my life and my brother's life and it's just not fair. Why did we have to suffer for their mistakes? (Them being her my mom and my stepdad.)

*deep breath*

I needed to get that out.

PS: For the record, her gender has nothing to do with it. I didn't specifically need a father, I needed my parent.

[kisschittybangbang]

Wow thats really intense. Being a step child myself (and 18 and still living in the house) I can empathize with you. I really can't say anything that would help other than you aren't alone with those feelings and that its good that you acknowledge that no one alone is to blame. Yes you had a hard childhood and I'm sorry she never made an attempt to find you, but maybe she was afraid of how you'd have reacted. Maybe she didn't know you didn't mind not having a father, but that all you really want was a parent. Maybe you should write her a letter, but be as calm as possible and as honest as you can. It can be very helpful if you two spoke through writing for a while to avoid yelling at each other, you know?

I personally hate conflict and find this method to be very effective. ^^ You may have to rewrite the letter several times before you send it though.

Email works too.

I truly hope things work out.

[mina.magpie]

I hear ya sweetie, and yeah, your trans-mom seriously didn't do right by you and your brother.

I think that, while you are right that it's not fair to blame her, you do need to confront her about how you feel at some point. If the two of you are gonna have any chance at rebuilding a relationship, it needs to start from a position of trust and understanding. A letter is probably a good format, because it allows you to collect your thoughts, guard against things said in anger, and yet be completely open and honest. Your trans-mom can write a letter in response, and so on, until you two get to a point where you actually have enough of an understanding of one another to be able to communicate.

However you choose to do it though, the best advice I can give is that you not leave this to fester. Eventually the feelings and the very real situation that lead to those feelings are going to have to be confronted, and better you and your mom do it in a controlled manner than have it explode in a bad way.

Good luck. 

Mina.

[TamTam]

I second Mina's letter suggestion.  Communication is so much easier when it's impossible [or harder] to say things in haste or purposefully misunderstand what the other is trying to say.

I'm sorry that the first thing she resorts to is kicking you out. I got kicked out of my house for the first time in my life earlier this year.. I know how bad it sucks.

I like that song you mention a lot. There's a lot of truth in it.  It's genuine.