Wondering about my girlfriend...

[midwesttransplant]

Hi all, newbie here.

So I'm not sure if this is where this post belongs, but thought i'd start here since i am a significant other.

I started writing this really long post but i think for the sake of my girlfriend's privacy and the group's attention span i'll try to keep this short and sweet.

There are two versions of my question:

For the significant others in the room, how could you tell your partner might be T/S? For instance, what made you think, 'hmm, maybe she's not butch, maybe she's trans...'. I know that's totally oversimplifying but you know what i mean.

Or for T/S folk, how did you know? I mean, i understand the whole, knowing before puberty thing. but if you didn't know that young (i didn't realize i was gay until i was 17), how did you come to realize that about yourself later in life?

Basically there are several things that have happened, that my girlfriend has said, that make me think she might actually be trans but grew up in such a restrictive environment that she doesn't even think of it as a possibility. I don't think she'd even heard of the term transgendered until i told her about it a few months ago. But she told me she asked her mom why she wasn't born a boy when she was little. She has always wanted to buy men's clothing (only started to do so recently. ).

I really hope I'm not coming off in a bad way. This is just something I am totally ignorant about. I thought that reaching out to a group like this would be the best way I can figure out how to help her, what to say to her, just where to start.

I love her the way she is, I love her masculine qualities, both physical and otherwise.

I'm just trying to help her... 

[Windrider]

I love her the way she is, I love her masculine qualities, both physical and otherwise.

In my opinion then, if you love her the way she is, then why is if she's trans or not an issue?

Outside of the trans person actually informing someone, there is no way to "tell". Only the individual can know if they are trans or not and it's not something we as SO's can truly understand. Danielle (my spouse) tells me that the best she can describe it is that you constantly feel that something is wrong about yourself. This still doesn't convey exactly how she feels, but we are dealing with feelings and emotions here which often cannot be described by mere words.

The best advice I can give you is to let your partner make up their own mind about how they feel and who they really are.

Best wishes to you both!

WR

[TamTam]

Hey,

Firstly, welcome to Susan's!   You're not coming off badly at all, you're coming off like a caring person who just wants the best for their SO.

I knew for a pretty long time that my girlfriend was trans, but only because she told me.  I'd never really considered it beforehand.

I think, in things like this.. there isn't all that much that you, personally, can do.  If she's still figuring out things for herself, or if she isn't even aware yet.. that's her journey she has to make.  I know that you, of course, want to know, because it affects you.  But she might not be trans, or she might be trans without being aware of it, or she might be aware of it without knowing what to do about it, or she might be aware of it and hate herself for it due to how she was raised.. it's hard for anyone on the outside to tell you what's going on in her head, especially since we don't know her.

But what you can do is just let her know, if it comes up in conversation, that you have no problems with transpeople.  And if it's the truth, you could even throw out something like "Hell, if you were trans, I'd still love you the same and want to be with you."  Just so she knows she never has to be afraid of telling you.   Or if she's wearing men's clothing and you think she looks good that day, you could be like "wow that shirt looks great on you" or something, to show her you're okay with her clothing choices.  Just little things to make her feel comfortable and safe to be herself.

Or, you could always ask questions.  I don't know how she would respond to this, it depends on the person, but if she's open to rhetorical questions and stuff you could ask her things like "have you ever wanted to be a guy?"  But again, that really depends on the kind of person she is and if she would be comfortable answering.

[midwesttransplant]

Thank you so much, everyone. I guess I kind of knew it was a silly question, that it was just something she may (or may not) have to think through on her own. And you're right, there is no rule book or cheat sheet either. Just have to wait and be open and supportive and see what happens.

We do talk about it somewhat and I think she knows (well, i've told her but hopefully she believes me) that I love her for her and her gender has very little to do with that. I love watching her come out of her shell.

Thanks again for all of the advice, its a huge help and i really appreciate it.

[TamTam]

In my opinion, there's no such thing as a silly question if it's genuine. Good luck! ^_^