Hi Chrissty,
In general I'm an optimist and a happy person. Even though I can have my moods, and the gender issues kept me down for year, I seem to be able to live with it for now. I'm acually not the only child. I have one younger brother.
I have spent a few years with a therapist. Her name is Karin, and I really enjoyed talking to her. At first we talked about gender a lot, but soon it became more a regular talk about all the things I was doing in daily life. (I was already quite an entrepeneur, so new things happened every week).
During that time I spend many many nights reading every detail I could find about ->-bleeped-<-s, crossdressers and transsexuals. I ordered multiple books, got my mum the book "mum, I need to be a girl" from Just Evelyn. I was pushing my edges. Wearing transparent nailpolish to school (with sometimes, still some remains of a purple nailpolish I had). In the beginning I thought I was a crossdresser, but quickly found out I felt more in place with the transsexuals. I don't want to be a queen, I just want to be a girl, just like my female friends.
I have been fighting my feelings a lot during that time.. eventually I just gave up on the fight. I didn't know where else to talk to about her. I felt that I had all the knowledge to make a rational decision; but I wasn't able to decide.
Eventually I turned 18, and had to leave the youth clinic where Karin was working. I only visited the adult center to get a medial check and more anti-androgyns, but didnt make any new appointments after a few months. Basically, I dont know what I'd like to get out of talking to a therapist.
Lots of things happened when my parents found out. My mum was happy she finally knew what was going on with me,(and got me my first own black dress) and why I didn't sleep at night. We decided my dad couldn't handle it, so we didn't tell him.
After a while the therapist phoned my mum on her cellphone, and my dad was next to her. He overheard the conversation and he drove home like crazy to see me and to get it out of my head.
My grandma phoned me to get out of the house ASAP, so I took my stuff and took the bike to a friend. Later that night I returned; and my dad messed up my room and was only saying what people would thing, that everyone would call me a freak, she male etc... He told me he wanted me to take more testosterone .. basically ; just a terrible talk.
That moment was a long term break between me and my dad. We didn't speak anymore; and sometimes we acually had physical fights about it. But around that time I was stronger and usually won. He lived in the garage for 6-7 months, and I lived upstairs with my mum and brother. Eventually we started to talk little by little and just pretended there was no issue.
I hid every TG aspect of my life from him, and we do get along now again. Even though I'll never trust him with my inner feelings. About a year after we had the terrible finding out from him, i was about to go to a local cafe with a female friend. That female friend knew all about me. I wanted to suprise her. So I was applying a bit makeup. But really discreet so not many people would see it. A very soft shade of lipstick, some fine mascara, bit blush, nailpolish, and my dad came in while he was supposed to be away all night. He told me I looked like a freak; and I took everything off.
This was one very important point in my life. I still feel like a freak when I apply makeup.. I like feeling like a girl at night, in the dark, but I dont dare to do anything more public than that. I even never talk to my mum about my TG feelings either. It's totally hidden from my family. I only talk about it with my niece, one female friend and my best (male) buddy.
Why I'm telling you all this? I think to give a bit more insight why I am at the point where I am now. I already knew what was wrong at age 5. Didn't tell anyone in the world until 13, and at the point of coming out, and being at the most fragile and sensitive point in my life, my dad just destroyed all the guts I got together.
Now my moment of happiness is at night. I dress up every night. I dont want to wear male stuff at night. Usually I take a loose dress; or an easy top with a basic skirt. For me it's the best way to wake up, realize it, smile. Stay in bed for too long, and then rush off to work.
If i'd ever get a relation with a girl; this is going to be strange. Either I'd really have to get used to wear anything male, or the girl has to get really used to me sleeping in a dress.
I've had so much stress in my life. First Gender, then school, later on hard times with my own business, that I acually dont mind being on the fence and taking things easier. I still have no clue about the next steps though.
Right now the plan is to continue expanding my business, and see when I get stuck. Still dreaming to be a girl and trying to be on the edge with feminine traits and still function als a male entrepeneur.
