It's a Girl!

[Lola]

So yesterday while Mia was at work I was going into full worry mode. I was starting to see that as long as the 'confusion' was going on Mia wasn't going to be happy at all. I started worrying about depression and possibly suicide (after looking at pre-op MtF suicide statistics) so I decided to take matters into my own hands and looked for a gender therapist.

When Mia got home she (as agreed) gave the therapists website a look but made no commitment other than: "If it gets to that point" (suicidal depression point) "I'll go." To which I replied: "I'm pretty sure one of the reasons you go is so it doesn't get to that point." No dice.

She changed out of 'guy' work clothes into 'guy' lounge clothes instead of her girl clothes. Later that night she went to lie in bed without telling me she was going to do that which almost always means something is up. So I went in there and we talked. Turns out she was in denial. Which for me is understandable, she's got a long hard road in front of her and taking the first step with coming to terms with herself had to be rough.

I told her: "Honey, you didn't spend all that money on girls clothes, then boobs, and soon an expensive wig because you don't know. And you know you're not a crossdresser because you said you've always felt 'wrong' you've always wanted to be a girl."

She was struggling to reconcile what she saw as two seperate identities which made her think of MPD, not that she had it but just the duality of the situation. I told her she's the same person she always was she just has a name for it now. She's feeling better already and is no longer in denial about being MtF trans.


So as I see it she's gotten over her first hurdle and I actually managed to help.

I just wanted to give an update and (again) thank everyone for their help and advice, we couldn't have made it this far without it.

[Sandy]

Hon, can I hug you a lot?

You are probably the first S/O that I have encountered that not only accepted their spouses transition (very rare), but helped them understand it and encourage it.  You are unique.

Bless you.

-Sandy

[mina.magpie]

Coolness sweetie. I'm glad to hear you are making progress. Now all you have to do is get her to the therapist's office. (Well not all ... by a long shot ... okay, to start. )

Mina.

[Lola]

Kassandra-

I've read a bit about SO reaction and seen it in action here. An SO's choice (no matter what it is) is an SO's choice and while I would never judge anyone's decisions (especially regarding sensitive situations like this) I often wonder in situations where the SO's (be they parents, sibling, lovers or friends) reject the MtF or FtM where did all the love go?

Before that I'm sure their family's, friends, and partners loved and cared for them, how does that just stop? How could someone want someone they care about to be so unhappy, to feel imprisioned in their own body? Where does that love go? One of the many questions I have that just doesn't have an answer.

And yes hugs are always welcome




Mina-

Last night Mia decided she would like to wait exactly one year before seeing a therapist. Besides outsiders being a sensitive issue for her now she also see's starting therapy as the real begining here. While I know she would for many reasons love to start HRT in the future she has issues with 'pills' (her parents medicated her for a bit while she was still in high school) and concerns about telling her friends, family and at her workplace (my family and friends already know, for the record they are fine about it) also she fears the results in relation to libido and also the question of developing a new sexual preference.

She see's therapy leading to HRT and she simply wants to mull about it. I also think she'd like to figure out how far she can go as a woman, voice, appearance, mannerisms and get at home in it before begining.

I'd like her to go sooner but I understand her need for time and her fears about pills and therapists. But she said a year and she doesn't go back on her word so I'm happy to finally have (delayed as it may be) an answer and a timeline for that.

[TamTam]

 

::hugs::

Awesome news.

[Lola]

Yes it is, thanks for your help TamTam.

[Vexing]

Before that I'm sure their family's, friends, and partners loved and cared for them, how does that just stop? How could someone want someone they care about to be so unhappy, to feel imprisioned in their own body? Where does that love go? One of the many questions I have that just doesn't have an answer.

It's one I can answer though.
The best way for me to illustrate this point is by using a personal example.
Me: "Mother, I'm changing my gender".
Mother: *crying* "What am I going to say to people when they ask after you?"

They're not concerned about you; they are concerned about how people will view THEM when it's find out that they have a trans spouse/daughter/son/whatever.
My mother doesn't give a damn what I'm going through. All she sees is the negative impacts on her. How her colleagues at work will view her for having a trans kid. How her friends will view her for raising a kid to turn out trans, etc.
All these people see is the shame of being associated with you.
They've never wanted you to be happy - they've wanted you to make THEM happy by doing what they want. By living a life that makes other people think they are a great parent or spouse.
By transitioning, we take away their expectations of us and the hopes and dreams they though would result from those expectations - i.e. that I'd become a doctor, settle down, marry, have 2.5 kids, play rugby, etc, etc.
They want things that THEY can be proud of.
Once you start deviating too far from their expectations, the 'love' dries up.
They only care about you while you do what they want you to do.
It's a very conditional kind of love.

[Lola]

Vexing-

That sounds like the love my mom has to give. Which always makes me think of this quote:


"I give you bitter pills in sugar coating. The pills are harmless: the poison is in the sugar."

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec


The kind thats love turned wrong side out. I get it now.

[Mia Kitten]

The Dr. got it wrong at birth...yup, 'It's a girl!!!' 
...funny thing is Mom always wanted a daughter....
                  ^_^ 

I figure it would probably be in my best interest to see a therapist sooner than later...I imagine it would help me better set goals/time lines, deal with anxiety, better understand my options, etc etc etc. 

I'm preoccupying myself with simple matters (how much does it cost, wait list, what do I need to know going into it, is immediate follow up necessary, how secure is my privacy, is the therapist reputable, etc)---mostly common sense answers or relatively easy to find. 

My real worries: the 'there's nothing wrong with you' syndrome (meaning there was no need to see a therapist...I know, I know, but it's still there), taking the step of revealing myself to a stranger (in person), Being overwhelmed---when I get to thinking it's almost too much already  (a BIG thank you to Lola for being so very loving, patient, and supportive and to the group on this forum for all of your support    )  I'm not sure if I should give myself time to adjust to my realization or run to a therapist hoping they have 'magic pills' or can instill self-acceptance.

Leastwise, I want to transition with as little stress as possible---I'd like to keep my hair ^_^

<3 Hugs All Around <3

~Mia

[TamTam]

::hugs::

I can imagine it's a lot to take in.  I remember when I realized I was gay, it still took half a year for me to feel comfortable applying the term to myself, and it was nerve-racking coming out to people.  Best advice I can give, is take everything one day, one issue at a time, it doesn't seem so overwhelming if you don't let everything pile up on you at the same time.   And, to remember that your imagination can come up with much worse things than are likely to actually happen.  And just imagine the relief you'll feel after that therapy appointment!

I think you know that a therapist won't be a magic pill, although they will hopefully help you with the things you're worried about.

Good luck.

[paulault55]

Hi Mia,

As you already know these feelings do not go away, i know i lived with them for 56 years, as far as cost my insurance covers all but my co-pay, I made an appointment on a Wednesday morning and had an appointment that afternoon so there should not be a long wait, as far as knowing what you need going in to it, just be yourself a good therapist will guide you and a followup in my case, a session is scheduled weekly or can be longer in between, a therapist is a Dr. and as such you don't have to worry about privacy. As far as reputable there are therapist's listed on Susan's main page under Medical. Yes the first session is scary but after i left it felt like i got a 500 pound gorilla off my back. There is no magic pill i think all of us wish there was. I hope this helps, i just started my journey also, i don't understand the part about keeping your hair.

Paula.