How should I act in this situation?

[Kestheba]

I was thinking about something today and would really like some feedback.

All my online friends know I'm transgender, I don't hide it if someone asks.. Genderwise I'm in the middle leaning towards male, and I have a lot of confusion about whether I'm actually ftm or if I'm just a mix of both.

Today in an online game, I was having a really nice chat with a random guy I just met, and he asked me why I didn't have my gender on my profile.  I explained, well, I'm kinda trying to figure that out.. and told him I'm trans.. and all of a sudden he said he had to leave and logged off.  He seemed so nice, I didn't expect that to scare him away. :/

My question: Is it wrong of me to tell something so uncomfortable to a stranger?  If I didn't say it, I'd feel like I'm lying to them.

After I tell people online I'm transgender, I usually get WAY too much info from them than I wanted.  Either they give me their opinion on transsexuals, or they confide something in me, or try to have a really deep conversation with me or ask me things.  At first I was like, "That's ok, I understand I'm telling them something deeply personal, which makes them feel like I've invited them to have a deep or personal discussion."  But really... when meeting someone online, if their username is neutral or ambiguous, the first thing you do is ask what gender they are.  What makes that so personal?  Just because my gender ("other") is uncommon, that makes it personal?  It's not.  It's not my fault people aren't educated to know what it means.

Should I act as if it's nothing personal, and not my problem if they don't get it.. I'm not here to be their teacher... or should I accept the fact that even though its really not a big personal issue, they will see it that way, and I should keep that in mind?  Should I not bring it up at all if someone asks?

[Nicky]

My thought is that it is not wrong. It should never be wrong. Unfortunately there are times when it is downright unsafe. Being online is not really one of those time. I say bring it up, it is who you are, it is your human right.

Unfortunately not many people know a lot about being transgendered. They just don't encounter us their day to day lives. You're not there to be a teacher but by teaching them I think you are helping yourself, and others to gain acceptance. I think it also adds to the saturation. One day we will reach a critical point and people will realise that it is no big deal.

[MarySue]

I agree with Nicky: it's not a matter of "right" vs "wrong." I think the real question is what's safe for you. Clearly it's safer to reveal something like that in an on-line relationship -- assuming it can't be tied back to your RL identity, of course. The worst case is you'll have to drop that online persona.

You have to be a lot more careful in an RL relationship, obviously.

I think there's another issue as well: whether it's appropriate to tell the other person. You said, If I didn't say it, I'd feel like I'm lying to them. I don't agree. I think it depends on the situation, and on the other person's "need to know." For someone you just met online, it's not lying if you keep that to yourself for a while. On the other extreme, if you're standing at the altar about to say, "I do," and you haven't told your partner yet, then yeah, that's lying!

The line is somewhere in between. Most of the time, it's when you start getting serious about each other. Until then .... well, ask yourself: Why does the other person need to know?

[tekla]

I didn't expect that to scare him away. :/

You haven't read the posts her have you?

[whatsername]

I think it's wrong for people to get so freaked out over a simple variation of nature, myself. 

There's never anything wrong with being honest about who, what and where you are in life.

[tekla]

No matter how you are, some people are not going to like it.  SO IT GOES.

[Kestheba]

I didn't expect that to scare him away. :/

You haven't read the posts her have you?

I think part of my problem is that I'm "desensitized", from reading as much about gender identity issues as I can in order to better understand myself. This is normal to me so its hard for me to remember that to other people, it's extremely unusual and uncomfortable.

[Wendy C]

I've always presented as female on the game thing and it wasnt until very recently that I finally broached the subject with two other women my age and was mildly surprised they had no problem at all with it. Their questions were answered as honestly as I could. My wife and I are planning to meet both of them in April and have talked on the phone with them.

I would caution that the internet is notorious for causing harm unless adequate protection of yourself is made. But all in all I think people are curious for the most part and you have an opportunity to educate them.
Hugs

Wendy

[Sophie90]

I used to play an online game called Tribal Wars, everyone I played with just assumed that I was a guy for some reason, and I never told them any different. I was never going to meet them in RL or anything, so no harm in not being entirely truthful.
So don't feel obliged to tell people, unless they specifically ask... then you might as well.