Well, I started kind of rambling to myself last night in a text file to see where I fit in the grand scheme of things, and am looking for some other POVs to see if anyone can possibly help me in this one...here's some of the quotes from it (a lot of the ramble went well into TMI-land, so it's being cut
)
"Big question – who am I as far as gender, orientation, and the like?
Let's go for the big ones – I am male (definitely), bisexual, and have a few kinks in my system that have evolved over time.
Later on, I would start to go to the local goth club, Out of Control or Masquerade and play in the local larps or just enjoy dancing and the music. At DragonCon (about 94 or 95), I played in a fantasy larp and had myself completely done up to look like a lion/tiger in stage makeup and did tarot readings the whole con. It was an interesting experience and led to some of the stuff later on.
Fast forward to getting das boot from GA Tech and going to the Navy. I qualified for the nuke field, and so got to go down to Orlando for schooling. While down there, I started to go to the local goth club to unwind with dance. They also had a fetish show there where whippings and such occurred on stage. Later on, I started to go to the local gay clubs with a friend of mine, Jodi when she wanted to go, especially to see the drag shows. About that time is when I got my tattoos, as an expression of my faith and how I tended to visualize myself when working circles and the like.
When I came home, I started to go around the clubs in Norfolk again and met up with some friends of mine in the drag community – they had more or less adopted me in as a friend. I also hooked back up with a friend – Keith, although I didn't recognize him at first and he said he was about 20 years younger. We went to an after-hours bar and then to his house, and well, one thing led to another and then I remembered who he was.
When Halloween came around, Luke (a drag queen) fixed me up that night and set me loose on the town. That felt fairly natural for me and then I started to look into doing it more often.
When I got back home from the navy, I kinda kept things up on all sides, hoping to hook up with people to learn more on the drag end of things, but it never really worked out. I did a purge of my stuff when my mom suggested that it was time to put that behind me. Later on, when I met Tonya and finally let her know some of my fantasies there, the collection started to build up again, but nothing major until this last year when the Chameleon was still open.
When it was open, I was dressing obstensibly to do the talent show, but then realized that I simply enjoyed the dressing up and dancing or performing while dressed up. I am not sure whether it's simply to get attention, that there is an erotic side of it for me, that it's a stress relief from normal life, or all of the above. Probably a little of each. Yes, I know there is the "pink euphoria" area, but I also know that I don't want to "transition" from male to female in a physical way. I want to be whatever I wish to be at the time, whether that is done through clothing, mannerisms, makeup, etc.
When I go to Scandals, I want to be fully en femme, makeup, clothes, shoes, nails, the whole nine yards. I also know that I don't want to drink there and that I want to have Tonya with me regardless – she is the love of my life and the bedrock which I cling to. **** I also want to be there with – it is nice to have a friendly face in the crowd and let's face it, I've known her for years and years and want to help her out in her transition – we tried to do that some last week and I hope that's not the last time. Hell, I gotta do some clothes shopping of my own later on."
So, with that data, what can some of you come up with? Right now, Tonya seems to think that this is more of me liking to break taboos and that I would enjoy things with or without the clothes. Me, I think the transformation seems to be an integral part at times.
Mildly confuzzled,
Laura
