Stealth in college and life...advice

[MikeG500]

Recently something happened that has got me thinking a lot and becoming someone anxious about my life. I've been living stealth for a little over a year now. I started at my current college about a year and half ago. For the half year that I was there that I hadn't been on hormones or had my name changed I tried to stay away from most people as much as I could and not form any friendships because I was planning to transition and be stealth at this same school. I did meet a few people and make some friends who have added me on facebook. I started the next semester a few months on hormones, pre-chest surgery, but with my name changed and planning to be stealth. That first semester there was a lot of awkward experiences and it was pretty difficult but I made it through. Finally fast forward a year and here I am finishing up the semester completely stealth in all my classes and no one knows. I have made a few guy friends and other random acquaintances. I am a lot more outgoing now because I am not self conscious about being misgendered or people not knowing what I am anymore. Anyways I was studying a couple days ago with one of my guy friends and he started talking about how he thinks he knew my sister from a facebook picture he saw of me and her. I got a little nervous but just brushed it off playing it normal. Then after a few minutes he was like dude...I heard that you used to be a... and then paused for a few seconds...hipster back in high school. Like you had longer hair and gauges. Which I did... but that made me extremely nervous. I just played it off like yeah I did girls like that stuff. Anyways, I then asked who told him this? And he said people who went to Mayfield (My old high school). So now i'm worried that he knows? But he didn't treat me any different at all and even referred to "my balls" in a joke later. Now the thing is I'm starting to really think about life and how I will be pulling this off. I am stealth at work, school, and a lot of acquaintances /friends don't know. I do have good friends who know because they knew me for a long time. But I like people not knowing because i'm afraid guys and girls will see me as less than male and that's all people will think of when they meet me or after they find out. I've never had the situation where anyone found out that I know of yet and then asked me or I just found out they know. What would I even do in that situation? And is it possible to live happily stealth? Is it wrong of me to hide this from people, even friends? And when I get close to any of my guy friends (or girls) I feel like i'll eventually have to tell them. It's really make me anxious thinking about all this. Sometimes I also feel lonely or detached because I am "hiding" this... Any advice would be great.

[O_O]

I would bet that he knows you transitioned.  If he has been talking to people you went to high school with what is the chance that he doesn't know? O_O   Seriously I think this falls into the category of wishful thinking.  Sounds to me like the things he said could be written into a comedy skit / drama.

First things first you need to realize that you are already a man, accept it and get over this "Stealth" thing.  "Stealth" is an intermediate phase between passing and assimilation where the transitioner feels as though he or she is getting away with something, tricking people.  Realize the truth is you are male and you always have been or you will always feel like you are fooling people or being read.  I realize surgery helps a lot with this but even those who have had surgery need to believe in themselves, accept themselves.

I worked at a place where someone I knew from another job (pre / during-transition) outed me.  I was fired with no reason given immediately after his girlfriend told the manager that I was a ... .  I found another job over fifty miles away but unfortunately one of my coworkers also worked at the job I had just been fired at.  I played mind games, telling myself I was passing, worrying about whether or not I was passing.  It drove me crazy and I had to deal with so much stressful stuff that I would throw up in my car on the way home after work.

Just realize you are male, believe in it.  When you think about it think about how you have always been male, how it is your truth, your reality.  Accept that this guy probably knows and that he will probably begin telling people.  If that means you need to transfer then it is time to start looking at transferring.  If you plan on staying where you are then you need to realize that you have always been male and you need to believe in yourself.  You aren't fooling anyone, you are being authentic.

When I was asked if I used to be a man I spoke my truth, no... I have always been female.  You have to accept yourself and believe in yourself.  Do that and it will give you strength.

[spring0721]

I completely agree...you've always been male so don't think about it any other way.  He may have known about you in high school and just accepted you now...that would be great.  Or he may not have.  As far as living stealth, I don't think you're living as anything other than the man you are....if you don't have srs or even aren't planning to...well no one needs to know that; it's none of their business.  If at whatever point you feel like you want to share that then so be it, that's up to you and your comfort level.  On a physical level before intimacy (without srs surgery) yes you may need to disclose so that there are no surprises.  But unless it's a one night stand or something, I'm thinking by that point your significant other will KNOW you & it won't matter to them one way or the other.  Just my opinion.  I hope it goes well for you, I know it is probably stressful transitioning around people that may know others who knew you from before. My thoughts are with you

[DriftingCrow]

o_O said it well. He probably knows, and word will probably spread unless he's really awesome and good at keeping a secret. But, at least he seemed cool about it and didn't outright ambush you with it, although of course, we'd all like it if he never even began to ask the question. Things will probably be alright, and you can just keep living as you are, unless I am just overly optimistic. 

Feel confident about yourself and try not to be anxious. You don't need to tell anyone unless you want to, and don't feel bad about going as stealth, we all don't need to be walking public service announcements.

[MikeG500]

o_O, I like what you wrote. I mean, I have always been male, just some physical parts were off. Although, there is no possible way for me to think of transferring colleges because I do like the one i'm at and it is close to my house and I can't afford to live on campus at any colleges. I mean, even if he does know, does he seem cool with it? He didn't treat me any differently at all and as I said even referred to a specifically male part on me. I guess i'll just have to accept that people may find out at my college but I must always remember that I am male and that's it. I don't have to disclose specific organs. And Stephanie, your words really help! LearnedHand, I myself always think I am being too optimistic about my situations sometimes. I mean i've been living this life for over a year now and feel like no one would find out and even if someone does they wouldn't tell anyone else or no one would think anything of it or blah blah.. but then I realize it could turn out to be really bad! But I guess I just need to just be confident that I am a man and even if people do find out not to be too bothered. My biggest concern is being treated differently. I mean, I guess it wouldn't be too bad if people knew, as long as I was still treated the same, regular guy, as I am now. o_O, I want to assimilate, that is my goal. I just worry that can never happen as I form deeper relationships I will eventually want to tell that person, and word can always spread.

[Simon]

I think there should be a classification between people who are "open stealth" and "totally stealth". I myself am an open stealth. I'm not ashamed of being trans. I just don't feel the need to tell everyone. It's just another thing about me really. An aspect..like I have green eyes. I think of being trans as just another part of me, but I don't let it define me.

If people are being respectful about it and ask me then yeah I'll admit it (if I feel like it. If not I leave them hanging with "what does it matter to you either way?"). No problems with doing so. I'm sorry but no matter what you do or what surgeries you have being a ->-bleeped-<- is going to come up sometimes (with girlfriends/boyfriends, doctors, etc). It is inevitable. If people hint about it or talk about it and you hang your head, start blushing, and deny it then they are going to figure it out and look at it like it is a bad thing.

I understand not liking the fact that you were born with no wiener. I get that, but don't let a missing appendage make you paranoid about life. If someone asks about it the best defense is honesty. "Yes, I am transgendered but that is just a small aspect of my life. What would you like to know about it?"...and then move on.

The people who mind don't matter, and those that matter won't mind.