Why such a need to look female now?

[coolJ]

Its been 5 months since I've accepted and found out I'm a transsexual. I've been told that when this happens it just keeps growing more intense-which I find to be true. But now I'm just curious as to the why. I mean I'm happy knowing who I am and feel alot happier in general and then I look in the mirror and I fall into a bottomless pit. Am I really that vain or is there something more? I went from being able to play the man role to almost not at all. I considered myself a very strong willed person up until now. And I also wanted to say congrats to all you girls that are transitioning and have done so. I know if I was able to I'd be real happy as just the thought of doing so gives me a feeling that is beyond words! And as usual any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Sephirah]

I guess because after you accept who you are, your physical appearance no longer fits with that identity. And because what you've accepted is a far greater part of who you are than what you see in the mirror.

If you're female in every way except physically, then, I would say, your appearance only accounts for 10% of your makeup. The other 90% is too overwhelming and all pervading for it to stay that way.

[coolJ]

I guess because after you accept who you are, your physical appearance no longer fits with that identity. And because what you've accepted is a far greater part of who you are than what you see in the mirror.

If you're female in every way except physically, then, I would say, your appearance only accounts for 10% of your makeup. The other 90% is too overwhelming and all pervading for it to stay that way.

Then ultimately theres no way I'm going to be able to stay this way....... well at least its not just vanity.

[Julie Marie]

Am I really that vain or is there something more? I went from being able to play the man role to almost not at all. I considered myself a very strong willed person up until now.

The $64,000 question. Do we feel the need to look female because that's who we are inside or has society created a binary system that tells us we will be discriminated against if we are seen to be anything but genetic?

After all, we can't change our gender on many of our vital records until we've had GRS. The message there is society will not accept us as female until we've got a vagina and a document to prove it.

But I thought gender was in the brain? 

Not in this society! 

Which is most real, brain gender or physical gender? Which is most important?

[coolJ]

"After all, we can't change our gender on many of our vital records until we've had GRS. The message there is society will not accept us as female until we've got a vagina and a document to prove it."


$64000 question answered- I could care less who or what society accepts. I dont care about papers either. I just simply and overwhelmingly need to be the me I've been dreaming about and wishing I was my entire life. Even though it was my choice to run away from who I really am and even though I've done some pretty great things with my life I still feel I've missed out on who I'm really supposed to be. And I KNOW I wont be satisfied until I go the whole distance. And I cant explain why but I dont want ANY male genetailia at all. I want to look attractive because I want to-because I need to and I cant really say why but I just do. I partly suppressed myself when I was younger because of societal pressure and I wont do that now.Thanks for your insight and yeah society really stinks sometimes!

[Ms Bev]

........The message there is society will not accept us as female until we've got a vagina and a document to prove it.

Just owning a vagina will not necessarily buy you a membership in the woman club.  There are always those who see us as mutilated males.  One of my least favorite people in the world thinks such, and I've heard others agree.

Ain't that a bite?



Bev

[Julie Marie]

........The message there is society will not accept us as female until we've got a vagina and a document to prove it.

Just owning a vagina will not necessarily buy you a membership in the woman club.  There are always those who see us as mutilated males.  One of my least favorite people in the world thinks such, and I've heard others agree.

Ain't that a bite?



Bev

Good point Bev.  Maybe that's why so many of us want to be stealth!

Julie

[Chaunte]

When we started this journey, most of us knew there was a discord within us.  We may or may not know the cause.  This discord echoed within us for years.

Once we accept who we are, the discord starts to fade - replaced with an inner harmony.  This harmony is the first step in brining an end to the discord because it rings true.

I believe that this drive to transition is rooted here.  We are trying to bring maximum harmony to our inner being.  Once we have this, something that most people are born with, we can face the trials the world will throw at us.

[francoise]

dear CoolJ
I have been in the same state of mind as you since 3 years now and still pre-op
I have found that there may be a deeper layer of myself than just gender issue which is my inner bieng genderless, ego-less living the moment intensively as much as I can.
This has brought me wonderful moments of great inner peace and harmony

Although I believe probability to do transition has lowered significantly thanks to that, I still have the drive for transition and I don't know if I will resist it in the long run, but I am less anxious about it, I guess I have let go the fear/anxiety that someday I may have to do transition.

hope it helps
Francoise

[Hypatia]

I went from being able to play the man role to almost not at all.

Welcome to the club! What you've just described is entirely normal and expected in transsexual experience. So many of us have been through exactly what you described. Now is a good time to prepare for a long, strange trip. One day you'll have crossed the wilderness and reach the promised land. Just persevere and be brave and smart. Before long you'll be able to chuck the man role into the rubbish bin for good.

[Northern Jane]

I couldn't really identify the reason why my body felt so WRONG growing up - all the other social and psychological mumbo jumble gets all mixed up with it and it is hard to tell where anything is rooted.

After SRS, I quickly came to realize that the "body map" in my brain (small as it is LOL!) matched my body and everything was comfortable then. (And all the social and psychological stuff fell into place to.)

When the contents are in the wrong package, nothing fits.

[michelenj999]

 as someone who thought of being a woman every day, and "fantasized" about it all day for 40 years before the 16 ton weight landed on my head 2 yrs ago.....i can say that having a brain that "thinks I'm a girl" has really messed me  up.....it also causes alot of doubt when i read about the kids that tell their parents "im a girl" when they are 6 yrs old....i always just wished i was, and wondered why i got screwed....i never connected the dots..

it totally messed up my self worth...made me fell worthless,  in fact i really felt like "nothing" because the real me just didnt exist.  i thought the crossdressing was my thing , and i got good at it...
it messed up my family life because i denied my reality for so long and started a wonderful family...but i have high hopes that this is fixable and my kids have been great so far...i hope they dont get messed up over this though and i worry about this all the time

i'm 6'2 - not passable ugh....but honestly with enough makeup and my best wig i can get by...but thats not real life...i have some money and i want to make a living...its totally unfair because i feel like i'm a woman now, and i feel like HRT has done wonders for my attitude and my figure and i hope my body continues to gradually change......but its not gonna change my face....and its huge honking nose....so its not fair, its not right but i want to be treated like a woman ....thats so important to me that i'm gonna go thru all that pain and $$ to do ffs surgery....i hope i'm ok with the outcome and most importantly i hope it allows me to treated like myself....but its always on my mind how risky this surgery is and how unknown the outcome of it will be...i dont feel like i have a choice , cuz i know with my face, i'm gonna be a guy dressed as a woman wherever i go, no matter how i feel on the inside

totally unfair...i'm blessed to have saved up for it and i'm gonna get my ffs......yes i want to look at myself and be happy, but frankly, i'm already pretty happy...i kinda just pretend i dont have a face....hehe///

its about how i want to be treated...so unfair ..but its reality...

[Carolyn]

CoolJ, welcome to to the dark side we have donuts will cream filling there in the corner next to the body of my male self, just be careful around it, it is still partly alive. Moving on...
I agree with you on society and add my thoughts: Can one aside from yourself claim you man or woman, male or female? Nah, can they claim to know your pain for having to live such a long and hellish lie? Nah, can people unlike yourself comprehend your past sorrow? Nah. Though the road we walk is long and will most likely hurt those around us they have no idea the pain we have felt. Such is the way of being true to yourself, you only get one life so live your own way, so you are what you are in reality those who cannot accept that are not wroth dealing with we are what we say we are simple as that, to hell with their heresy if they see it not. Now spread your wings and sharpen your blades and hope you don't have to use them. Enjoy your life and never back down to appease someone else.

[michelenj999]

Carolyn i really liked your answer to Cool J and her point is very valid

I used high acheivment, making $$, getting married, kids , all of it !!!  I had it all!!  but it was actually nothing...i love my kids, but somehow them knowing about me and accepting makes me love them even more....unfortunately same goes for my ex-wife, who supports me but wants nothing to do a female "husband"

i simply think its much easier to feel that inner peace when you are not constantly getting stared at everywhere you go..
humans have incredible survival mechanisms and some girls live that way and are very happy...if it turns out i dont pass even after some surgery , so be it, but i'm hoping my outcome allows me to come and go and be treated like one of the girls...

right now, i have felt the feeling of all that dysphoria going away....but it comes and goes because i'm only starting my transition and i really don't pass well so i feel awkward alot.....looking better should help that alot when i go to pick up coffee and don't get called sir..