Pre-HRT jitters?

[Ender]

I'm starting T tomorrow (woot, 1st time self-injector).  But there's something that has been nagging my mind:  I feel good.  It's been awhile since I felt this good.  I'm not jumping off the walls happy, but I'm... content.  It's around -5*F and today I jumped in the lake because some awesome people sawed away the ice that had formed on top of it, making a nice diving hole.  Lol, it's actually an annual thing where I live, but that's not the point.  Point is: I was surrounded by about 200 half-naked people and there I am in my swimming trunks and compression tank that is actually too loose to really do anything.  And, apart from being slightly self-conscious about my chest, I didn't care.  I mean, I really didn't care what people perceived me as.  It was a feeling of 'oh, you think I'm female? Oh well, whatever.'  That feeling was weird; it made me doubt myself.  I didn't feel anger at that assumption like I used to...

Has anyone else experienced this?  Right on the eve of actually starting transition, do you find some sort of... it's not really peace, and not really indifference, either... I really don't know what this feeling is.  It feels free, but I'm still in female form.  Nothing's actually happened yet, so why should I feel this good?  My insane self-doubting side says: here you are, so close to your goal of starting transition... and what should happen but your mind finally 'rights' itself and decides to be female after all.  Like I said, insane.

Eh, confusing as it was, I don't think I'd change anything about today... except I wish I could've taken my shirt off & had nothing there.  And I wish my towel hadn't gotten stolen.

[perfectisolation]

Congrats, Eryk. I hope all goes well. That's cool that you could just go out and have a good time without a care in the world - I think that knowing that you're taking a step forward in your transition is a confidence booster, and also gives you a little more security about yourself. I'm nowhere near starting T but after I came out to my mom I felt a lot better and more hopeful. and today I came out to my dad, and I feel like it's lifted my spirits a little.

[Arch]

I started having this sort of "who cares" feeling last year after I decided, once and for all, that I really am a transsexual and that I want to pursue some type of medical transition process. I began to feel much more secure about who I really am, regardless of my outward appearance.

I am still thrown when I see my naked self in the mirror, and I become confused and irritated when some people use female pronouns to refer to me. But I suppose that's to be expected. When I'm she'd, sometimes I shrug it off with the "whatever" response, and sometimes I feel genuinely cranky about it.

I think it all goes to how I feel I'm presenting. I can feel secure in my own self, but when I'm actively reminded that other people don't see me that way, it CAN be a bit of a jolt. And the way I deal with it depends on how I'm feeling on that particular day.

I, too, will be starting T soon, but that isn't what brought me to this point of view. Perhaps as I get closer to the big day, I'll start feeling more and more the way I already do? Will the pronoun slip-ups bother me less and less because I know that soon I'll be on HRT? I dunno. I have a few more weeks to go.

Do you have any trepidations about actually shooting up?

[Ender]

I have some slight trepidation about shooting up.  Mostly, 'gah, what if I accidentally inject straight into my vein?!'  But that's what checking for blood before actually injecting is for.  I'm also a little worried about the needles the pharmacy sent me.  My prescription said 1.25" needles (the nurse, after getting a good look at my legs, said that 1.5" would be a bit long), but the pharmacy only had 1.5" needles.  I hope I don't nick bone or something...

[JonasCarminis]

just dont stick it in all of the way then.

[Ender]

Yeah, Josh, that would make sense... 

When the nurse was giving me IM injection instruction, I asked her if I should go in all the way with the needle or leave part of it sticking out.  She seemed pretty adamant about needing to push it *all* the way in.  However, those instructions were for the 1.25" needle, and at that length I think it would be necessary to push it all the way in in order to clear the subcutaneous thigh fat and hit muscle.  I just looked up IM injections online & it turns out nurses do hit people's bones sometimes.  If they hit bone, they just pull the needle back a bit, so I guess that's what I'll do.

[Dresdin Storm]

First off, congrats on starting T. It's an amazing feeling. I felt somewhat like you are saying.  As soon as I had that perscription in my hand I felt like my life wasn't on hold anymore and I was becoming the person I was suppose to be.  It felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I felt free.

[Ender]

Well, I'm officially 20 minutes on T and boy, does my leg hurt 

Not that bad, actually, just a bit sore.  Let me just say that getting air bubbles out of thick sesame oil is a lot harder than the saline solution I practiced with.  When the syringe was finally prepared, I stabbed it into my leg in one fell swoop, got it all the way in (didn't hurt a bit)--and then my leg spasmed, knocking the needle halfway out.  So I pushed it back in, and that was... significantly less comfortable than the first time.  I'll have a nice, healthy bruise by tomorrow, but oh well--it'll go nicely with the cuts I got from the ice while climbing out of the diving hole yesterday. 

[Ms.Behavin]

Congrats on the first injection.  When i was injecting (not T of course) I just injected to about 1- 1.25 inches of the 1.5" long needle.  I also aimed for mid leg in the quad.  When I would once in a while get too close to a nerve or slice a blood vessel going in, the leg would jerk.  I then tried to avoid that spot from then on.  After a few injections, you'll get the "feel" of where the best places in inject are.

Beni 

[Ender]

Good to know about leg jerking and hitting vessels/nerves being related, Beni.  Because I think that's exactly what I did--I went straight through a blood vessel.  When I aspirated the needle, no blood appeared in the syringe--so I didn't inject in the vein *thankful for the peace of mind that simple check gives*--but some blood did come out when I removed the needle.  Hopefully I, too, will learn the 'sweet spots' on my quadriceps so I don't have that 'knee jerk' reaction every time I inject.  I injected in my upper quad... I should really go look up a diagram of the blood vessels and nerves of the human leg.

On a good note: the soreness from the injection went away ~2 hours after doing it.  It hurts a *little* if I put pressure on the spot, but it's fine; I went running today.

[sneakersjay]

Congrats!

[Arch]

Hey, you got through your first shot! Congratulations!