Ever fallen in love

[Trixie]

with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with?

I'm really struggling and I've been reading the kind words here so I thought I'd try.

For purposes of clarity, I identify as a 'born a female' lesbian.  I've had a bazillion discussions with people who identify as members of the LGBTTTIQ community about the politics of gender, sexual identity, desire etc.  I have strived for parity if not equality in my intimate relationships with women.  When I was very young, I had some not particularly successful sex with men -mostly because I felt a lot of social pressure to be "normal".

Here's where it gets tough for me. Please forgive me if my terminology isn't accurate.

Recently, in the last 10 months, I've become closely accquainted with a TS - FtM. We flirt shamelessly with each other-but then I have often been accused of being a flirt. We seem to be spiralling towards the inevitable (if we share one more interest I will wonder if we are one and the same person).

So many difficulties.

1. I am confused about what this means about MY orientation. Am I attracted to this man because I know that physically he started as a she and so am I justifying this relationship in a way that dimininshes the enormity of his transition? 

2.I am actually scared about having sex (never a problem with women). I have happily been the conqueror and the conquered with women...with toys without etc.  I have a limited and ancient experience with men what do I need to know or avoid? (I read somewhere that FtM don't like nipple play for example). Not to be graphic but...does the penis work in a similar way - and I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE I'M ASKING THIS!!

3.Where will I fit in my community? This can't be straight right?

Any help navigating this will be HUGELY appreciated

thanks,
Trix

[Kimberly]

Those are rather difficult questions. Welcome Trixie

For reference I identify as an asexual woman oriented bisexual, so I am not really the most qualified person to comment.

In general I think considering your friend a normal guy will probably answer a lot of your questions. Basically just keep in mind that a transsexual IS the gender they are transitioning to regardless of what sex they were born in. I.e. Your friend is and was a guy.

I hope this helps you.

[Trixie]

Thanks for the welcome 
Yes I understand the part about my friend being the sex they were born into...I guess I'm having a hard time with my own feelings\attraction. I feel like i'm slowly blowing(pardon the pun) my feminist lesbian politics to hell.
I guess it's going to be something we will have to talk about.
Geez, I never saw this coming

[HelenW]

Trixie,

Obviously you just haven't met the right guy yet, until now.

Ok, just kidding but, really, do you fall in love with a person or a body?  And politics, feminist or otherwise usually fail, in my experience, when faced with physical and emotional attraction.  And I think they should!

So I suggest that you let go of your judgements, negative or otherwise, and go with what you feel.  Do you really want to pass up an opportunity to develop a realtionship with a wonderful human being because your community might not approve?  (Sounds like being pressured into closet when it's asked that way, doesn't it?)  As far as the actual mechanics of your intimacy with him, well, I suspect he will let you know what pleases him and what doesn't just as you should let him know, if it gets that far.  Besides, because bottom surgery is very expensive he may not even have a penis.

So, I think you should follow your heart and to hell with what others may think. 

helen (for the record, MtF lesbian - maybe Bi? not there yet - I dunno)

[Peggiann]

Welcome to Susan's Trixie.

Nervousness is understandable regardless of the sex of the other person one is involved with. It's the first time to be with that individual for heaven sakes...it would make me wonder if one wasn't.

In relationships it's important to keep your same desire for parity and equality in the intimate arena and through all aspects of the relationship no matter whom the partner you are with is,was or has been or will be or desires to be or should have been genderly speaking. Is that a word (genderly) oh well it gets my point across.

I say follow your heart Dear Trixie, leaving politics out of the equation completely. If you have so much in common and you feel so much attraction why question it? What if you were mistaken in thinking your life should only go down the lane of lesbian desire stricky? So you had a few not so successful intimate interludes with male partners. Maybe the feelings and timing in your life weren't right for it to be anything but what it turned out. It may not be fair to judge this present attraction on the same level or light. Just food for thought Lady.

Insidently if it matters, I'm Female from birth and am oriented sexually toword the inner soul of the body that possess the aluring factors to capture my fancy. I have been married happily for 25 years. I have known of Leah's need to become a woman for 6 years and love her and am still attracked to the person with in. The housing of this person is not what I'm attracted to.

I hope you enjoy your stay here at Susan's and look forword to more posts from you.


Smiles,
Peggiann

[Trixie]

Thanks to all of you.
Of course you're right, I have to focus on the person not the gender or orientation. You would think with all the involvement I've had with the community I might be better equipped for this. Such is love, derailed.
I will keep you posted - because I am sure I will need to 'check in' regularly.

[Melissa]

First of all, I am MtF TS, but I completely understand your confusion as what you described quite accurately fits me as well.  I first and foremost identify as lesbian,
since I am sexually attracted to women.  However, I am also finding myself attracted to some FtMs.  The term I've come up with to describe myself is a bi-curious lesbian.

1. I am confused about what this means about MY orientation. Am I attracted to this man because I know that physically he started as a she and so am I justifying this relationship in a way that dimininshes the enormity of his transition? 

I think you are attracted to a man.  I also understand that it doesn't feel like quite a stretch because of what he was born as.  But, let me tell you as somebody who has "made out" with one, they are no less of a guy than a bio-guy.

2.I am actually scared about having sex (never a problem with women). I have happily been the conqueror and the conquered with women...with toys without etc.  I have a limited and ancient experience with men what do I need to know or avoid? (I read somewhere that FtM don't like nipple play for example). Not to be graphic but...does the penis work in a similar way - and I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE I'M ASKING THIS!!

I also understand this.  I was also reticent to have sex, because I knew it would be different.  From what I understand, it is shaped like a small penis, but ejaculation can't occur.  I never saw "it", so I don't know for sure.

3.Where will I fit in my community? This can't be straight right?

Yes, this would be straight.  I might also call you a bi-curious lesbian.  If you have sex and enjoy it or are at least sexually attracted, then I think you would officially be bi.

Melissa

[Buffy]

Hi Trixie...

At 4 years post op, I still don't know where I am...... I enjoy being with both men and women, although I always thought I would move towards the Lesbian end of the spectrum...

I am not really sure it matters where you fit in or what ever label you wish to give yourself. As long as you are safe and happy with whatever partner you choose......

Buffy

PS.... Also a great song by the Buzzcocks, who I saw live in Manchester, 1982 "Ever Fallen in love (with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with)"

[LostInTime]

Oh yeah, been there and done that recently but there was much good in it.

After a number of months in service, I have found myself drawn to my Sir.  I had never been really attracted to guys and I reason that this is because he has taken me to heights none others have and not in a sexual way.  However, because of my dealing with those emotions I finally told myself that I would be more open to new ideas and experiences.  Lo and behold another gentleman that I have met also makes me go, "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..........."  Not in love with him but if he were not attached to anyone, I definately would make a play for him.  But since he is then I am more than content to remain as friends.

I'd much rather find love and companionship than belong to some sort of club or community.  That even includes my BDSM life.  If I were to meet the man or woman of my dreams and they were not into the scene then I would fade out but keep in touch with the good friends I have made in that community.

Now if I could find someone who was good for me, unattached, and secure in their own identity.........

[Dennis]

Hi Trixie. I'm FtM. With respect to your orientation, I've heard a lot of lesbians express similar concerns about their partners transitioning (whether that makes them straight). I don't have a clearcut answer to it. You would present in public as a straight couple, which I could see being bothersome to someone used to the lesbian community. Also, some lesbians are too narrow-minded to accept a relationship between someone who identifies as lesbian and a guy, be he FtM or bio. I wish I could offer more words of comfort there. I've seen some of my lesbian acquaintances distance themselves from me since my transition. True friends have stayed friends.

I don't think many of us are 100% one end of the Kinsey scale. It's a scale rather than distinct categories for a reason. Lots of us fall somewhere in the middle, but most of us don't explore the small fragment of attraction other than our main for many reasons. If we identify as straight, we don't socialize with as many gay people, so that side may go unexplored. If we identify as gay or lesbian, our social circle is often composed of mostly gays and lesbians. And you just get used to a certain "kind" of dating, interacting, etc. It's easier to stay within patterns.

All that to say, that regardless of how people identify, there are exceptions to usual patterns of attraction and you are definitely not the only person to experience it.

As to the mechanics of sex, it will depend on whether he's had any surgeries or not. If he's had chest surgery, he may be just fine with nipple play. Or they may not have much sensation. The best person to answer that is him. If he has had no bottom surgery, and you two want penetrative sex, he'll have to use a prosthetic, or toy. If he has had bottom surgery, it doesn't work exactly the same as a bio male penis (would need implants or pumps). Sex with women is probably easier because you have the experience, know signals and patterns, but with a little discussion, it shouldn't be too intimidating with him. Odds are he feels as nervous as you about it.

Dennis