What was real?

[gnb984]

 As an (ex) SO .. I find myself wondering a lot of times what was ever really real.   For those of you that were/are still with a cis woman before you transitioned, how did you feel before? Its hard for me now to think my partner wasn't really attracted to me.. because what we had was so special.   I know there are many cis women who cant handle their partners becoming trans- which is their own perogative and they are  entitled to that- no hate. Yet there are those of us cis women out there that are strong and comfortable enough with ourselves and our sexuality to  want to stay with our trans partner and  still be emotionally, physically and sexually attracted to her but aren't really given the chance.   I wonder sometimes if my whole relationship was a lie- if my partner was ever really attracted to me. Sexually I thought they were- they acted like it...  Its hard to imagine that they wanted to marry me and promised me the world and really didn't want to be with me or females in general.  How can that all be pretend? Do you feel like your life was pretend before??  How do you reconcile this with your partner?

I know yall are probably sick of hearing from me- I don't have a whole lot of people to talk to . Frankly I don't think therapists even know what to say to me, because I am so open and accepting of my partner and they still left me.  I was insecure before, and this  didn't help- but no one can seem to comprehend why my unwavering support seems to have gone uncared for and unnoticed.  I guess I am just struggling to know how someone could have told me they wanted to spend their entire life with me so many times- and now cant even speak to me or I don't even know if they think of me.
I want to be able to tell her how I still feel about her but I cant.  Im so open with my sexuality and flexibility in it- and even for her flexibility of being with men. I don't mind role playing or certain types of toys (;-) ) or even threesomes...   Ive always been sexually open/adventurous and  I love her that much that I just want her has my primary partner in life.  Ive learned so much about humans, love, relationships and life through reading so many of  your feelings on here. I value that so much.  You are all so brave to even talk about how you feel- and live your truth.  I want to be an ally and support to my partner- even if its just a friend. 

When I look at her – I don't see my former boyfriend/ future husband dressed as a girl- I thought that's what I would see- and at first that's maybe how I felt. I was only given a matter of weeks of knowing basically nothing of this to my partner wanting to completely transition. I struggled but I was always there. But I don't see a man, I just see her- and I think she is amazingly pretty.  I see her inner light shining through and I want to tell her she is beautiful. But- I cant.   I just want to hold her- not my ex boyfriend- but just the person I love.  Is it weird that I love the person on the inside? I feel like no one understands this.. but maybe some people here will.  Love to you all, and thanks for listening.

[alex82]

What a beautiful post.

Your hurt is understandable, as is the hurt of partners who don't want to continue with a relationship.

You'd have to ask her directly, but it may be that like you, she loved you for the person you are on the inside as well.

I hope she comes to build the friendship you want to have, even if it's not a physical relationship.

[Dena]

It takes one to make war and two to make love. I can't see anything that you did wrong and I don't have a clue what your partner is thinking. There is strong possibility that your partner doesn't have a clue what she wants. Some of us enter this with rose colored glasses and only latter discover that life is a good deal different than we though at the start of the transition. I really hope that you find somebody who is worthy of your love and I think your partner may have made a huge mistake walking out on you.

[gnb984]

Thank you both-

I did do things wrong too- there are 2 sides to every partnership- I guess mainly by wanting our life to move forward. When I met my partner the former "he" wanted to get engaged and married and was so eager about everything- more than I had ever expected anyone to be.  Then when it didn't happen I began to question why it hadn't  if he had been so excited about it.  Then I became insecure about it and that "irritated"  him. Yet looking back-  I feel like much of that strain ,postponement and anxiety came from his own feelings about all of this- as I know that his gender issues had ben part of his past relationships ( didn't learn that till recently).  I just wish I could go back knowing this was underneath it all but I didn't know and I had no way of knowing- which makes me feel really helpless.  I tried to support her in becoming all she wanted to be- and I feel like I was the one that was abandoned. Much like I read many transwomen feel abandoned by their wife or girlfriend when they come out- I feel like I am the one that is abandoned- like  something about me is intrinsically  not good enough.  I guess what huts most is being told tat I was the person that helped her realize who she wanted to be- and then I was discarded. I feel so hut and confused everyday. 

[Randi]

I've been married to the same woman for 33 years, and I love her more each year.  We have a wonderful, talented and well educated daughter who is married to a wonderful man.

I've always been attracted to women and have no desire to have a relationship with a man.

However, I have always envied women and actually wished that I was one.  I thought the next best thing to actually BEING a woman is to have one who will share her femininity, personality and body with me. Conventional PIV sex was always a bit tricky for me.  I would always imagine what the experience was like for her, while metaphorically stepping out of my male body to let it do what it was designed to do.

In my 50's hypogonadism and erectile inability put an end to conventional sex.  My wife was worried that I was no longer attracted to her and even that I might desire a relationship with a man.  When I re-assured her that neither was true, she was greatly relieved.  She, in turn, assured me that she was not all that desirous of PIV sex.  It was the foreplay and afterplay that satisfied her.

At one point she asked me what I wanted (for myself), I replied, quite truthfully: "I want what you have", by which I mean a female body.  Well, it turns out she has no distaste for the female body and finds me more attractive than ever.

Among transwomen there seems to be a divide between early onset trans, who are mostly attracted to men, and late onset trans who are attracted to women. If you spouse wants a man, there isn't much you can do about it.

There is, however, the chance that she is greatly embarrassed about the whole transsexual business. It's not exactly something you want to shout from the rooftops. Maybe she finds it easier to just disappear.

Sorry for rambling, but the answer, for me, is that it was, and is very real.  My body has changed, and will change even more, but my love is steadfast.

I am so sorry your love has gone away.

Randi

As an (ex) SO .. I find myself wondering a lot of times what was ever really real.   For those of you that were/are still with a cis woman before you transitioned, how did you feel before?

[popa910]

Just to add another voice to the din, I'm currently in a relationship with a woman.  Although I'm still trying to figure out what my gender identity is, it's quite possible that I'll decide I'm happier as a woman than as the man I currently present myself as.  However, I am >99% confident that I prefer solely women.  I've even watched a bit of gay porn, which confirmed that I am not aroused by men. 

Anyways, I promise that all the stuff that has happened in my relationship with my girlfriend has been entirely genuine.  I grew to love her, and I still do.

On the other hand, I can fully appreciate several possible reasons that someone who changes their gender may break off a relationship.

• They may just want a fresh start to their new life
• They might just feel awkward or embarrassed maintaining a relationship with same the person the were with before changing their gender
• They may find it difficult to imagine you, presumably a straight and cis-gendered woman, would still wish to remain in a relationship with them, after becoming a woman

[alex82]

Just to add another voice to the din, I'm currently in a relationship with a woman.  Although I'm still trying to figure out what my gender identity is, it's quite possible that I'll decide I'm happier as a woman than as the man I currently present myself as.  However, I am >99% confident that I prefer solely women.  I've even watched a bit of gay porn, which confirmed that I am not aroused by men. 

Anyways, I promise that all the stuff that has happened in my relationship with my girlfriend has been entirely genuine.  I grew to love her, and I still do.

On the other hand, I can fully appreciate several possible reasons that someone who changes their gender may break off a relationship.

• They may just want a fresh start to their new life
• They might just feel awkward or embarrassed maintaining a relationship with same the person the were with before changing their gender
• They may find it difficult to imagine you, presumably a straight and cis-gendered woman, would still wish to remain in a relationship with them, after becoming a woman

I'm not sure the porn thing follows?

I am attracted exclusively to men*, but I can't bear gay porn. It does absolutely zero for me, and I've slept with guys who love it and even want it on to get them going, which works for me even less.

I don't watch porn much at all, but whenever I have I've looked for straight porn, or even 'straight porn for women'. Normally if I want that kind of thing, I just google image 'attractive man' or some variation on the theme and let my imagination do the rest.

*only ever one female, which really confused me, and would probably have happened anyway as my 'university lesbian crush' as several girl friends were also fixated on her for a time.

[stephaniec]

just my humble 2 cents.none of these problems might have anything to do with transition or deep hidden longings, People on a daily basis go through a whole lot of changes passing through life .what, the divorce rate hovers around 50%, Relationships can be hard and there are an infinite array of reasons why relationships fall apart. Yours may or may not have anything to do with questions of transition.One side always gets blind sided for the most part. An example of Susan Sarandon's  marriage she say's she was totally blind sided when her husban left, no clue whatsoever. Things happen with for no obvious reason all the time.

[gnb984]

Thanks for the insight everyone.

Stephanie- you are absolutely right. I had my faults in the relationship too. I am far from perfect. Mainly insecurities and not understanding why my relationship seemed to be moving backwards after my SO was basically so intense about us getting married soon. In a lot of ways- I feel after a while that things that didn't upset him (as he was a he at that time) ever Before became a problem. Me being emotional about us and talking about the future/ how much I wanted that/ loved him became "annoying" when In the relationship he was the initial one to bring up and want all of those things. I and we didn't want to be part of that divorce statistic. I've never felt like someone was so sure about me and our future.

My point is that my questioning and insecurity was always a problem and something I can work on. Yet- looking back now, I can see how me having no idea about any of his thoughts of transition were there and even there from the beginning- played a big part in our dynamic and probably explain why me wanting all the things he initially promised me stressed him out - probably because he thought I would leave when he told me he wanted to transition. I didn't leave- initially I was scared and had lots of questions and even more worry/ insecurity . Keep in mind this was over a very very short amount of time. So basically the things that upset him before got worse- and it was used as a reason to leave me. It kills me that after standing by her so much she couldn't empathize with how difficult it was for me initially. I spent weeks writing my letter - as I said before- it puzzles me that I can see how I did things wrong but she can't see how this was affecting her personality the entire time during our relationship too.  She's even admitted that she let go of a lot of anger and anxiety after coming out.

I've thought so much about everything and how much I still want to be with her. My family and friends are accepting - I guess I just wish I could be a part of her life in some capacity. It makes me end up feeling like I am just not worth it to her- when I was previously the person that helped her with all of this. It makes me feel like I helped and now I'm just useless and disposable. I don't understand why I have to be completely cut off from her when she was my best friend underneath it all. Yes- I struggled at first and had some sadness- but now I just want to be with her again and be happy for all of the changes with her.


What's hard for me to reconcile is all of the love that we did have- and how she told me and thanked me so much for helping her with everything - and that after all the unconditional love I gave- I wasn't given a chance to start fresh now that this is all on the table. That the last time I saw her even after all this she kept telling me she loved me but has since shut me out of her life completely. It leaves me feeling like there is so much I don't understand. She thinks she has given me a chance in our relationship- but how was I ever given a chance when this was a factor I never knew about the entire time? I

I know y'all are probably sick of hearing from me.. Maybe it really is that she just doesn't want me.

[stephaniec]

I  think your blaming yourself way too much for the loss. I can't not get the feeling that your persecuting yourself for something that surly is not all your fault.

[Dee Marshall]

Neither side can ever be sure how this is going to play out and, perhaps, your story isn't over yet. My own marriage (of 35 years) was under a lot of stress. She swore up and down that she wasn't a lesbian and didn't know if she could stay if I transitioned. On the day after our 35th anniversary she told me, calmly, that she wanted a divorce and followed it by saying that she doesn't want me to leave, she just can't be married to me. It's only been a few weeks and I sometimes get paranoid that the other shoe will drop but things are better than they've been for some time.

In your case I think your ex is feeling guilty and afraid of being hurt, so she pushes you away. I could be completely wrong. If you can, let her know that you still love her and want her in your life. It may not work, true. You, however are a very loving, open person, and if it doesn't your next love will be a very lucky person.

[cindianna_jones]

GNB,

I was hopelessly in love with my first. I still am after thirty years. I would have gladly stayed with her. Had it not been for the conservative religious thing, I think we could have worked through it.

The trans thing really messes us up. Transition is a very tough time for us and sometimes we don't quite know what we want until we resolve all of the turmoil in our personal life. I know exactly what you are facing for I have seen it over and over through my experiences with others going through transition.

I don't have any real advice for you other than to say to keep your options open. Your life and happiness are important.

[gnb984]

In your case I think your ex is feeling guilty and afraid of being hurt, so she pushes you away. I could be completely wrong. If you can, let her know that you still love her and want her in your life. It may not work, true. You, however are a very loving, open person, and if it doesn't your next love will be a very lucky person.

The trans thing really messes us up. Transition is a very tough time for us and sometimes we don't quite know what we want until we resolve all of the turmoil in our personal life. I know exactly what you are facing for I have seen it over and over through my experiences with others going through transition.

I totally agree with all that everyone has said- I think at first I just had a lot of sadness.. I really had just a couple of days to cope with the fact that she wanted to transition and I think its a pretty normal reaction for someone to maybe feel sadness at first, but I also did a lot to help her/show her I wanted to support her. 
She used to tell me she was so afraid to lose me over this, and apologize to me for not being "normal" and promised me through it all that I wouldn't lose her no matter what.  I guess thats why it's so hard to understand why she has turned on me so harshly- but still goes back to saying I love you.  I don't know- its all so confusing. I agree that she probably is overwhelmed with the transition and telling everyone and maybe I was just causing too much stress for her. 

In the meantime though, I have learned, thought about, gained appreciation for etc etc, what she is and was going through.  In a lot of ways, I want this chance with her because I think her holding these emotions in and secret from me affected not only her own happiness but impacted our relationship greatly.  I feel even worse that I was impatient about things after she had been so eager about marriage- because now I know that she was probably struggling with this inside.. but how was I to know any of that ?  I feel sad/ bad for what this must have felt like and been like for her and how big of a change it is and was- exciting but scary.  It was so fast and I hadn't learned a lot about everything and myself as well- so I tried to show support but I was still worried/questioning about lots of things.I think what hurts sometimes and makes me blame myself is the fact that she said leaving me had nothing to do with her transition. Which just doesn't seem right - but still hard  and makes me blame myself.

I have and did tell her I love her. I wrote a really long letter (maybe a short novel? lol) addressing everything that happened in our relationship, the things I did wrong and how I think this impacted her attitude throughout - I also went into lots of detail about why I still want our forever together,  my sexuality, how my family/friends are ok with things (yeah I told my parents because I wanted her to know how serious I was) and how much I had reflected on things and want our life together. I told her I wasn't sad, and that I wanted to stand by her and help her become all she had wanted to be for so many years.  I gave this to her 10 days ago after the court thing/i love yous.  On that day I also told her that I wanted to be with her if she is male or female, and that she was still the love of my life.... I still don't even know if she read it. It takes a little time to read- but I went over and over it to make sure its clear and easier to follow than all of my rambling on here- It takes about 15 min to read it if you really digest it.  I still don't even know if she read it- which hurts because some of the things I said in it I hadn't really gotten the chance to tell her before.  Maybe she thinks its all things Ive said before, or that its just gonna blame her- but  theres so much to it. 

Part of me worries that she's so happy now without me/ with her transition that it would just bring her down to see me or read what I wrote- I have been completely erased from her life.  Or that if I come back into her life I will be sad all the time, resentful  or try to convince her to go back to being a guy- none of the above is true. I want to be a part of her life and be happy/excited with her.. help her with things, and be best friends like we used to be.  We had a lot of common interests/activities that didn't really have to do with gender- none of that has to change.I was there through her decision to do this- and I stuck by her through a lot of other things, even if i did make mistakes.Now that she is happier with herself and free from anger/anxiety (probably like the person I first met) she won't let me into her life again. If anything I just wish she could offer me more answers than I have.

I don't have any real advice for you other than to say to keep your options open. Your life and happiness are important.

I guess at this point there is no advice.  I wish everyday I could talk to her, but I know I can't. I pray every night that she will let me into her life in some way.  It's hard to happy lately- but I keep going forward with my life.  She told me when we met that I was the "missing piece of the puzzle" she had been looking for in life that she never thought she would find, and I felt the exact same way.  We both had great things in other areas of our life- and I still do, I just feel like a piece of me is missing. 

Thanks yall- ---<3 Brittany