Dear god what am I doing

[sylvie]

So much for a happy valentine's day.   

I took my daughter to chinese school today, and then dropped her off to gymnastics for the night so my wife and I could have some alone time.  Anyway, I came home and everything fell apart.  My wife has known about my gender dysphoria since we started dating.  Before we were married she asked if it was going to be a problem later down the road.  At the time I told her no (and believed it).  I have been suppressing it for years and thought that I would still be able to.  She didn't have a problem with my crossdressing even though it didn't do anything for her.

We have been married for almost 8 years now, and things have been tense for the last couple.  Add to that this past year we adopted a little girl from China.  With all of the stress my GID came upon me in full force.  Worse than ever before.  I sought out a therapist for some help hoping she could help me find a way to put me back in the box.  However, such was not the case.  On the contrary the opposite has happened.  I have started to accept who I am in many ways. 

Well back to tonight (sorry about the rambling).  When I came home my wife and I started to talk about why I have been wearing more female clothes lately, why I want to grow my hair long again, and why we haven't made love in over a month.  After a long lenghthy drawn out process I finally told her how I was feeling.  I have been trying to do this for weeks now, and I had to go and do it on Valentine's day.  (Idiot!)  We were both in tears over this.  How is it that we can hurt the ones we love so much without even trying.  I have spent 8 years trying to be the husband that she wanted but failing so miserably, and then dishing out this whole situation today. 

She said that she would stand by me and support me the whole way through.  But she also told me that she feels that we need to end our marriage although we can't do it for financial reasons as well as our daughter still needs both of us.

I don't know what to do and my mind is really messed up right now.  (and I haven't even started hormones yet)

[mtfbuckeye]

Sylvie,
I've sort of been where you are right now, and at least at this moment I've decided not to transition, and try to work on my other myriad personal problems (including repairing a marriage to a woman who is open-minded and supportive, but still can't see staying married if I "go all the way" with transition)...

I'm here if you ever need to talk.. It sounds like we have a lot in common.

[Kimberly]

I don't know what to do and my mind is really messed up right now.

For whatever it is worth that is pretty much normal when dealing with this sort of thing. An things should settle down in time. You ave a lot of hard decisions ahead of you and I wish you very much in the way of luck, and I know you CAN.

[Chrissty]

Hi Sylvie,

Things can often seem insurmountable when these problems hit. There's something about days when our society raises our expectation of each other, that seem to give us the hardest time delivering and the furthest to fall.

Just keep you composure Hon, and give it a few days for the dust to settle, and don't jump to any conclusions yet.

When things calm down it is often possible to regain sight of the road ahead.

I wish you both and your little girl, well.



Chrissty

[Tina2]

She said that she would stand by me and support me the whole way through.  But she also told me that she feels that we need to end our marriage although we can't do it for financial reasons as well as our daughter still needs both of us.

I don't know what to do and my mind is really messed up right now.  (and I haven't even started hormones yet)

Well, if like you said she is willing to support you the whole way through then that is good, just relize that it might take some time.  The first thing you need to do is sit down with her and make goals even if they take a few years to get to that goal you will both feel better knowing that the cards are on the table and you both have a plan, even if as she said she want's to end the marriage, like you said you do not have the funds for that but if you both think that is what you need then make it a future goal, a therapist will help to sort thing out too, I hope things get better for you  , aloha.

Tina

[Just Kate]

My heart truly goes out to you.

I too am an individual who told my wife about my GID before we were married.  She is incredibly supportive and actively seeks solutions with me.  I have decided not to transition, but should I, my wife has already made it clear it would be the end of our marriage - not because she doesn't love me, but because she wouldn't want to remain in a relationship with a woman.  I totally accepted this.  I am currently living my life in such a way that allows me to best cope with my cross-gendered feelings while at the same time maintaining my life without transitioning.  It is a difficult road and I cannot say I found that magical balance yet, but I'd be more than willing to walk it with you and others as we find ways that help relieve the dysphoria without transition.

Do we need our own forum?

It can be difficult being among other TS who are transitioning and can actually add pressure to do so.  It can cause us to feel that transition is 'the only way' etc.  I'm not willing to accept that yet, but don't think it doesn't cross my mind.  Try your best not to focus on what you don't have, but on the wonderful blessings current in your life and for goodness sakes don't suppress your GID feelings - that just makes them worse.  The more you can talk them out, be open about them, and accepted by your loved ones, the better you'll feel and the less pressure they will put on you as you'll begin to be able to accept yourself as a person who just happens to have a condition that makes like more difficult for you rather than someone who should be ashamed and feel guilty.

[mtfbuckeye]

I'll be the first to say that I'm an absolute and total mess... The regularness of everyday life is too much for me to handle, and a day doesn't go by where I didn't wish I could transition...

But at the beginning of this year I got a taste of life without my wife and son and it was like being plunged into a dark, icy-cold abyss. I had never felt that depressed and hopeless before... I had an "easy out" of the marriage for a moment, but I didn't take it.. maybe I'll regret that someday, but for now I'm trying to tell myself that you "don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good."

[xsocialworker]

I went through the same type of issues as a "married man with child" ( not Al Bundy). I chose to avoid transitioning until after the child grew up. I did work for a massive employer with a minimal dress code and I went to work for 30 years with long hair ala the Beatles and carrying an acceptable gender neutral brown leather bag. I was the primary caretaker of our child so I did feel my feminine side had some outlets. When I reached the age of 55, I filed for divorce as the marriage was defunct for multiple reasons. I moved away and began the RLT at 56. I was lucky to still have a full head of hair. Beyond my expectations, I got a job as a social work supervisor during my RLT. I've had my GRS and I have no regrets. But then, I did not predict nor expect any of this. You never know what will happen. you have to do what is right for you at the time.

[mtfbuckeye]

The thought has crossed my mind of just "waiting until the kid grows up"... I'd be 49.. maybe we should talk, xsocial..

[Nigella]

The thought has crossed my mind of just "waiting until the kid grows up"... I'd be 49.. maybe we should talk, xsocial..

Yea, most of what has been said I have been through, I started transition at 49 after 27 years of marriage and grown up children, broke all of their hearts and mine, still copping with it all and some days I feel fine and others not so. It all came to a crisis, my transition was never planned and my life still feels up and down. I'm on the road but still look back and wonder what if I could turn the clock back.

I think most in our situation never really plan to transition until our gid gets so bad and Pandora's box can not be closed. Keep a lid on it if possible. My wife said she would support me but eventually wanted me to leave. No job, no where to go. I left with my car packed with the things that I needed and things that were special to me. I now have a full time job and a place to live.

I thin transgendered people are one of the most resilient people on earth.

All the best and hugs

Stardust 

[sylvie]

Thank you everyone.  It is very reassuring to have support through all of this.  I wish that I could turn back the clock or be able to turn my feelings off.  Unfortunately that is not the case.

At this point I don't think it will matter whether I transition or not in regards to my marriage. We have been falling apart for a while now.  Although I am attracted to her, I can not give my wife what she wants.  I have never had a high libido.  And add to that my revulsion to my own body, the chemistry just isn't there.  To my wife it feels that she has to push me to make love to her and she doesn't feel wanted.  Don't get me wrong sex feels good, it just doesn't feel right to me.  I don't know if that makes any sense or not. 

Her first reaction to an unhappy situation is to flee it, so she started going to karaoke bars.  That is a different and long story, but suffice it to say that that made feel unwanted and lonely thus bringing out my GID even more.  Now it is consuming me in ways that I have never dealt with before.  I forget who posted the poem last, but yeah "she's tired of being stuck in the playground".  I'm just really scared at this point, and I feel that I am losing everything around me.   

please forgive me my rambling

[cindianna_jones]

Sylvie,

It is out in the open and that is good.  Please make sure that you do not promise her anything that you can not live up to.  Be open and totally honest with her.  Keep her up to date with everything .... or at least as much as she can handle.  Many of us have lived through similar circumstances.  Somehow, we manage to make it work.  I'm not giving you advice on which path to take.  I'm only encouraging you to keep your communications open with your spouse.

Do we need our own forum?

It can be difficult being among other TS who are transitioning and can actually add pressure to do so.  It can cause us to feel that transition is 'the only way' etc. 

I would hope that no one is encouraged to have their genitals destroyed from the influences of an online forum.  I would think that it far easier to convince the Republican part of the senate to vote for .... let's say a Democrat crafted stimulus bill.  The very thought of having private parts mutilated would terrify any straight person.  The fact that we go so far as to imagine it means that something is seriously different about us.  BUT please, don't let me convince anyone to push themselves through this.

We don't want regrets.

Cindi

[Janet_Girl]

Once the cat is out of the bag, it can never go back in.  I have avoided saying anything but I feel I must now.

At this point I don't think it will matter whether I transition or not in regards to my marriage. We have been falling apart for a while now. ... Don't get me wrong sex feels good, it just doesn't feel right to me
Her first reaction to an unhappy situation is to flee it, so she started going to karaoke bars...I'm just really scared at this point, and I feel that I am losing everything around me.  

The bold sections are straight out of my life, except she would get drunk at home and then leave.  Sometimes all night.  When it ended I thought that I would never see her again, except for maybe court.  But we have been in some contact.  Not much but some.

And yes I lose my house, wife and life to that point.  But I started transition and HRT for real.  And now 10 months HRT and 5 RLE, I am a lot happier.  Still lonely but not really alone.  I have my family here, friends on the net, my 'adopted' daughter and my Baby sister ( both of whom are MtF).  There are some guys that are interested, but only one knows the past.  And then there is Mark, the guy I like really a lot, but that most likely will lead no way.

Is transition right for you?  Only you can say yes or no.   None of us can tell you to transition.  Look at all sides and decide what will make you the most happy and at peace.  And no matter what you always have your family here.

Janet

[xsocialworker]

if one has put off transitioning until those grey hairs or no hairs scare you silly, I would hope to hope that you have a plan and thought out what you can do before you do things you can't undo. For myself, I planned my retirement, sought out a divorce lawyer, and met with some fairly successful TG business people to get advice. I knew I couldn't put it off much longer, so when I left town, I had co-workers covering for me,my voice on my work voice mail, a lawyer at work, a new bank account, and money saved up. I know this sounds kinda impersonal, but I knew without a plan, I could get sucked back.
For years I helped other people get over on the "man" ( slumlords etc) and now it was my turn. I believed that being TS DID NOT make me a victim and I had no intention of thinking like one. So far I was right.
Post Merge: February 15, 2009, 09:10:12 PM
Being TS is not a disease, it is not a disability , or a personal failing. It is not your families failure. It is who you are. You all have the right to self-confidence and the pursuit of happiness. You have the right to be yourself. Even if you can't act on your desires right now--------never be ashamed of yourself. Shame sucks your soul and leaves you powerless to make sound judgements.
Post Merge: February 15, 2009, 10:14:49 PM
As TS people, we have obligations to our brothers and sisters. We need to obey the law, stay out of jail, pay our bills, do volunteer work, and most of all------------vote

[sylvie]

it helps a great deal to have sisters (and brothers) here.  You have all been so wonderful.  Things are calming down, but not returning to the way they were.  My wife is trying to understand, but she is having trouble accepting it.  She is having trouble trying to understand that I am a woman but I am attracted to women.  I tried to explain it, but we still have a long way to go.  We had sex last night and I have a feeling it was for the last time.  It's still too early to tell how things are going to progress.  I feel as if a great huge weight has been lifted off of me.  Janet you're right.  Once the cat's out of the bag "she" will never go back in.  I have known since my childhood that I was a girl.  I was shamed by my father in my early teens thus causing me too suppress who I am.  Though I have run the gambit from the military, a construction worker, a husband, and a father (which I absolutely enjoy), I have never been truly happy or at peace.  I have tried to play the role that everyone expects but neither my wife nor I have been happy for a while.  Our marriage was going to end either way.  But it is time for me to be me.  When she is ready, we can sit down and make our plans and goals for the future, and how we will deal with it.

Amazingly I am now more at peace since the last couple of days than I have been in my last 20 years.   Again thank you everyone for being here for me when I reached that low point the other night.  I knew it was going to happen.  I just wasn't ready for it to hit yet.

Hugs!!!!!

Shawn