I hate myself

[Katelyn]

Why can't I just be a typical TS?  Why can't I just have wanted to be a girl since I was very young?  It would make things a lot easier for me.  I feel like right now that I have induced severe gender dysphoria after coming out into the TG community in L.A. and then withdrawing from it for months, only to come back again.  I can't stand living as male and I get into aggressive and anger waves as a result of my frustration.  I cant concentrate on doing things because of that and other problems in my household (I live with my mom and sister.)

I want to transition but I don't feel like I naturally identify as female.  Plus, transitioning for me was more of a fantasy or end goal for at least the last 10 years of my life.

Yet I can't bear the prospects of not transitioning because I feel my life would be a lot better as female as I enjoy being a woman, feeling like a woman, being one of the girls, being in the female world and behaving like a woman (I can quite naturally act like a woman), since to me it has been nearly equivalent to freedom and happiness. 

I feel like if I have to stay in the male world I'll be sad and disappointed at my life, longing for the life I could have had, and I'll have to continue to suppress myself, and my disgust for masculine things will increase and I won't be able to have relationships with women (since I'll become jealous of them), plus I don't get sexually turned on by women.  I can't have significant friendships with women (because I feel frustrated having to play as a "guy" to them) and the friendships that I have with guys is boring and emotionless.  (in fact, as of the moment, the only people I feel better with being friends are other TG people)

BTW, I have crossdressed since 12 yrs old, but was fascinated with "fulltime crossdressing" in 1998 and quickly identified myself more with TS when I read a TS's journal that year, and ever since have wanted to be a woman.  I came out to the TG community late 2007 (after having developed my voice to sound female), and I discovered how naturally feminine I could be and how much I enjoyed being a really feminine woman, but things started to go downhill when my mom found out and I started second guessing myself at the threat of losing my parents.  I slowly deteriorated for a year as my confusion and my "mind trying to talk me out of things" increased, more strongly, yet going back to trying to be a male made me feel empty, dead, and like I traded happiness and freedom for "male privilege", pleasing my parents, and being accepted in society.

I hate myself because I feel like I have a life that I don't want (especially enforced by my parents), and yet I can never feel like I have the justification to become the sweet, kind, bubbly, loving, happy, beautiful woman that I want to be.  I hate myself for being so passive and not being brave enough to stand up for myself.  I hate myself for letting my mom f*** me up mentally by condemning me for my wishes, leading to a more than 1 year chaotic negative mental spiral that ended up in me partly losing access to my female self (particularly female emotions.)  I hate it that I became so good in some regards being very male like, realizing that thats not at all how I want to be in my life and I can't even settle being a "feminine male", that I deeply don't like the male world, the level of stress that I have in "being forced to be male" (because of having to maintain a male ego, not being able to cry, and my feelings of hate and violence) are so great that I feel like I'd eventually die of a heart attack or end up in jail.  I hate it especially because I feel like that history of being "very male" acts as an "invalidator" to my wishes.  I'm in such a confusing point in my life with a full blown identity crisis and tons of frustration that I wish I were more certain of my identity than even most of you here. 

P.S. I could give less of a damn about my genitalia, I remember even telling my mom at a young age that I didnt like it, plus I could give less of a damn about sex, only getting real turned on by the idea of vaginal sex.  I want to have a female body, no matter what it takes (hormones, SRS.)  I hate testosterone so much that I'm desperate to take an anti-androgen like spironolactone (stopping short for the moment because of the possibility of hyperkalemia since I'd have to have my potassium levels checked.) 

[anewlife123]

Yeah, I pretty much have the same dilemma right now, except that I am staying a man, and I find females attractive.

Do your parents and siblings support you at all?

[V M]

Hi Katelyn and welcome, you've come to the right place

There are many here that can help you better than me. I just happen to be here.
You obviously identify as a female. So what to do about it? Hate yourself? Blame others? Hmmmmm maybe take control and set a plan to live the way you wish? Maybe start with a Gender therapist that understands your needs and will write you your letters for HRT and SRS? Only you can live your life. I understand you care about the opinions of those close to you. But only YOU are YOU. YOU are the only YOU that YOU have. Only YOU can decide for yourself how to live a comfortable life. After everyone gives their opinions and goes about their business of the day, who is left? YOU? To deal with yourself and your feelings alone? Well no, your not alone. Not anymore. So get your fav. dress and pumps and a big smile and jump right in  {{{HUGS}}}

[paulault55]

Hi Katelyn, not sure how old you are but you sound very confused just by what you said, "I want to transition but I don't feel like I naturally identify as female" and then "I can quite naturally act like a woman", a good gender therapist can help you sort all these feelings out, I'm sure someone in the TG community knows of a good therapist. Since your mother knows, if you haven't sat down and discussed this with her you need to do it as two adults and try to make her understand how you truly feel.

Paula.

[Katelyn]

^ Everyone says to go to a gender therapist but they are expensive (I don't have much money) and the only way is to go through an LGBT center (there was a mixup that tied me down for a year that I couldn't qualify for sliding scale because of lack of proof of income) and still then, I'm afraid of the therapist invalidating my wishes (or is it better to just hear the cold hard truth?)
Post Merge: February 23, 2009, 02:57:23 PM
BTW, Its hard to go through an identity crisis when you have unsupportive people around you (like my mom) and are also influenced by lingering guilt from religion (since I was in a christian sect that my mom is a member of) as well as social diseases (that are hard to fight against) like passiveness and shyness.

[chrysalis]

Well until you can afford to see a gender therapist you do have Susan's. Cheer up things will get better 

[Katelyn]

This is really strange, but like what happened today, after getting quite some relief from some things today, I started feeling good and then feeling like its ok to be a guy.  But then later on, I met a straight male friend of mine that I've known for quite many years, and just when I met him, and for the entire time I was with him (a few hours), I felt this feeling that how I was acting, guyish, was just wrong.  I felt this feeling of suppression around me, and like I had to act to be a guy, and I didn't feel good.

Now the thing is that this has been going on for much of my life, not as bad as today but where I felt that I was being forced to act like a guy.

The strangest thing is that there are only two instances when I feel free talking to people:

1. If I am presenting as a woman
2. If in male mode, the other person is trans or gay or knows me as trans.  (even still, to a certain degree on this one)

Its like as if the male thing that I was feeling deflated so fast that I ended up having to act my way through a conversation.

Now much of my friends are trans which probably makes it alien now to talk to straight people.  Its as if I have to put a front when talking to straight people, which is very annoying.

This is likely because I can feel and act naturally feminine, where I can act just as feminine as any young feminine girl and where I needed little to no training (also, I developed my voice to sound passibly female).  It feels best when I can talk with another feminine girl.

Additionally, I just don't feel that well with guys, gay or straight, as compared to women and trans people.

Perhaps I had just become real good since early on in my life, suppressing myself and hiding the truth about things, or that I didn't figure it out early on in my life?

[V M]

I took my masculine "act" to the extremes. Doing rather dangerous things. Incurred several injuries. Nearly lost half of my right leg and have many other scars in my arms, hands, Face, Ass, legs and feet. I learned the hard way that I didn't have to prove myself to anyone. If you identify as a woman, then go for it. Self acceptance is prob. the most difficult hurdle to get over. Eventually your going to jump over that hurdle or remain miserable for as long as it takes for you to come to terms with yourself and your feelings. Did you get my PM?

[Vicky]

Up front -- NO SHORT TERM SOLUTIONS to LONG TERM problems!!!!  Stay away from ANY drugs, especially the un prescribed hormones, and the street drugs and bar drugs while you are feeling this way.  You do sound young, but have not said so, other than references to your mother and childhood religion.  I'm not young, so you may presume I have lived through the feelings you have long enough to know only that you can live through them.  You say that you do have trans friends, so by all means get them to help you go as far as you feel comfortable with.  There are places where you can SAFELY try your trans identity and get feedback on it.  I have even had been through the interesting, but uncomfortable experience of people telling me how much better they like me as female to the point I wanted to shout out to them "What the @#$% is really so bad about him (my boy self)?"  It was literally a few months before I could put on a dress or make up after that.     I love being female WHEN I CAN.  I know what I am not, and that is your stereotypical male.  I do have some feminine behavior in my male presentation and don't let it bother me, but it is fun to watch other people's reactions when they expected John Wayne, and got the sarcastic side of Cher Bono. 

You don't have to pick up a Darwin Award just for being trans!!  Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out of it alive anyway!!
 

[perfectisolation]

My situation is similar Katelyn. I didn't realize I was trans until later in my teenagerhood. And even before that I had heard about transpeople but, I admit, I believed 'they' were 'freaks', and that transitioning was unnatural/mutilation. But all I was exposed to were 'straight' transsexuals who had felt they were the wrong gender since very early childhood.
I was also very androgynous or felt sexless and even asexual until I started thinking about my gender. But I felt something was wrong deep down, because I felt "weird" just trying to be female and accept my body, and accept my extremely low self esteem as being part of my shyness. And I too have always hated my female anatomy, disgusted by it, can't touch it, can't even touch my own skin.

I think this is something you just need to look deep down about, and not really compare yourself to other people's situations. Ours are a little different than the 'mainstream' TS, and more confusing, but that doesn't make it any less of a reality. We still feel dysphoric about our gender, no matter what caused it or how late in life we started feeling that way...
It does give me a ton of doubt though, and I've been beating that to death lately.
But don't hate yourself because of it. Your feelings are what they are, you can't help it.

[sd]

Sounds pretty typical TS to me, no one has the exact same feelings or experience. Many have gone through similar. I tried to pull back from being mtf and be an androgyne for a bit, I needed that time to come to understand myself better. You can only do this when you are ready, you're not there yet.

You are obviously confused, since you can't get in to see a therapist, hang out here, see where you fit in, discuss your feelings and over time you will likely figure them out. It takes time.

[imaz]

You don't have to pick up a Darwin Award just for being trans!!  Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out of it alive anyway!!

Quote of the year, I love it!