Help please

[rukiru]

I am really worried about this. I am a male in a females body. My parents are never getting along, they are always yelling and screaming at each other and on more than one occassion they have gotten into physical fights with each other. If I try to entervein then they just stop and cuse me out. I've grown to fear them. I've known that I was really a guy for a long time, but I cannot do anything on my own yet. I told my friend about it today, I was worried that he would reject me for it, but he didn't and that has given me hope for the future and the rest of my friends. But I still cannot figure out how to tell my parents. It is perhaps the hardest job for me because I fear them and fear also in causing one of their fights. My father would be furious and I do not even know what my mother would do. Please help me. I need to tell them because I am tired of wearing make up and dresses just to please them. I want to be who I really am instead of wearing a lie everyday.


^{edited out personal info - nero}

[Jay]

Hello Ruki, and welcome to Susans.

There are many helpful topics on this site, and telling our parents is the hardest thing we do have to experience. But we all have to go through with it sometime! If you think you are ready to do it now. You could try some of our most common options try writing them a letter, sitting down with them. Yes they might be angry at first but they may come round. You have told one of your friends and they have accepted you. Just a few options you could try.

Let us know how it goes.

Jay

[Mister]

Hey Ruki.

We've all been there.  Where on the planet are you?  I'm pretty darn good at finding local resources for folks-- it can be really affirming to find someone who feels similar that you can meet up with for coffee.

[Nicky]

Have you considered waiting untill you are older and able to support yourself and leave home before you tell them?   It sounds like your homelife is very volitile. It might not be wise to come out to them untill you can leave home. If they are able to hurt each other then maybe they are capable of hurting you too. You are the best judge of that.

One thing that might help you survive is to do away with lots of girly things. Don't wear makeup, or dresses. It is not that uncommon for girls to do this anyway (asuming you live in a country where this is common). This might help you last a bit longer before you tell them.

Another idea might be to ask your folks if you can see a counsellor for things you don't want to talk about with them. If you can get a counsellor on your side then you have some backup for when you tell your parents. The counsellor might also help you deal with your homelife.

Is it possible to move in with a relative? It sounds like your home life is really scary. I grew up in a violent home too and it was not good.

[Dante]

First, Welcome to Susan's, Ruki!

I am sorry that you are stuck in that kind of situation. I know you feel that you need to tell them, but given your situation, I would hold off. I would first stop wearing the dresses and makeup, instead of going all the way. That would at least free you from the worst of the femaleness (in terms of what you can change, obviously it's not worst of body parts and stuff like that). Granted, you'd still have to wear feminine clothes, but at least it would be jeans and t-shirts instead of dresses and skirts.

Also, if you decide to tell them, I would find another family member/friend to stay with if things go badly. I would also suggest talking to your school councilor if you have one(so your parents don't have to know, because some parents are nosy).

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that your parents accept their son. Let us all know how it goes.

[rukiru]

I've gotten a lot of answers from my friends like these. Some say to do it because it is better and others say not to because of the chances of something happening. I live in North Carolina United States, but I haven't been able to find anything near me that could really help me other than a counselor. I am going to talk to one tomorrow so i have that much taken care of. I am pretty sure I am going to wait though because last night, (i live in dorms monday through friday for school so i have to call my parents everynight) i went to a school organized thing for gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgenders. I told my mom I had gone there and she got angry at me for staying out without telling her and also said that I was straight so why did I have to go anyway? I think you are right Nicky about waiting till I'm older. It's probably the best way for any of us. I think my mother atleast would be more open to it, but I think I am going to wait. Atleast for now.

[PolarBear]

Hey Ruki,

sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time of it man, it must be really hard on you that your parents are most probably not understanding and/or accepting.
I second the idea of waiting until you are on your own two feet before you come out to your parents. Perhaps you can start to dress differently or stop using make-up, I don't know. A lot of it depends on how your surroundings would react to that.


Good luck,
Vincent

[Randy]

Hmmm... that is a tough situation. Definitely wait if you think you'd be in physical danger, but I think the question you've got to ask yourself is which is scarier: your parents' reactions, or to keep pretending you're a girl? Maybe you could make some gradual changes like Vincent suggested. Dress slightly less feminine over time and see what comes of it. You'd be surprised how much the small things help (like dressing in a more masculine way, binding, using an STP). My parents took it pretty hard at first, but they've really come a long way in less than a year. I'm glad your friend is accepting, and counseling is a step in the right direction. Hope is definitely an important thing to have during transition in a less-than-accepting environment. Try to hold on to it.

[rukiru]

I am going to try binding, I've been trying to find the best way to get it without my parents noticing and I think I'll try ACE bandages for now and see how they work out otherwise I am going to see if my friend can order something for me. I personally have more fear of being a girl and hiding who I am. It took me so long to find where I was most comfortable and happiest with myself and I would be afraid to lose it after working so hard. Either way I am going to do the gradual changes like you guys suggested and go from there. I go to an arts school and everyone here is pretty accepting of me so like today, this girl said in celebration of me coming out (at school and to my friends) that she would take me out and get me some guys clothes. So I have a lot of support already which is helping alot. Also having you guys to talk to. Thanks so much everyone.

[Dante]

In ways of binding, I would suggest not using ACE. I tried that. It's very hard to get on and make it stay.

I would suggest an Abdominal Binder; I believe you can find them at drug stores pretty commonly. You could also see if there is someone here on Susan's that would be willing to send you one. But if you could get your friend to buy you one, (or at least have them come with you if you buy it in a store) that is a great help. Ask around here, I'm sure someone can give you some better advice on all of that.