I am a selfish, inconsiderate, and cruel person for transitioning.

[petzjazz]

Here's my story, as of May 15th (today):
Due to the wind blowing a piece of paper (my T prescription) out of my car without me seeing it - and my dad subsequently finding it on the lawn - I have been unceremoniously and unexpectedly outed to my family. I am moving to another state in about a month, and I had planned on telling them then, so now our household is in an extremely awkward state of existence where I am dead to my parents and doing my best to stay out of their way - and yet I'm still physically here for another month. My father's heart is broken, and my mother thinks I'm condemning myself to Hell.

Since being outed, I've come to realize that this is one of - if not the - most selfish things I could possibly do, and this is why. For the last 16 years, my parents have been taking care of my handicapped sister. She is not at a societally-functionable mental level, and she needs constant care and attention. My parents are relatively old; my dad is 60, and my mom is 56. They both want to retire in about 5 years - although with my younger sister to care for and my college bills to pay, it's questionable that they'll be able to do so. They will have to (and plan on) take care of my sister for the rest of their functioning lives. Taking care of her is extremely taxing and has undoubtedly contributed to my mother's severe depression. She also has high cholesterol levels (and a family history of death by heart attacks), and I'm afraid that she'll have heart problems in the future. My father is physically strong, but he's 60 and has been injured in the past, and his family has a history of Alzheimer's and other mental problems related to age.

They have no children other than my sister and I. Up until Monday (also known as "That G*dd*mn Day I Left The Car Window Open"), I was a child they could be proud of. I've always gotten good grades in school, and I'm going to a highly-ranked university in the fall. Along with school, I work to support myself, and I've been in many acceptable extracurriculars. Up until Monday, I was the one who "made it", the good daughter who was going to _______ in the fall and was probably going to enter their work field and follow in their footsteps (they have the same profession) - but even if I didn't, that was okay, because I was the "normal" daughter - the one who's toilet-trained and can function in crowded rooms without collapsing to the floor and banging her head against the wall. "At least we had one kid who turned out right." Up until Monday, when their dreams were crushed. By me (accidently, but still by me). I ruined one of the things they were most proud of - that they had turned out one "normal", successful, reasonably well-adjusted kid.

And I killed that. By transitioning, I am consciously breaking my parents' hearts. I am making them feel as though they failed at being good parents. I am making the decision to fill a good portion of (if not the rest of) their lives with disappointment, anxiety, and despair.  I am killing the dream that one day they might watch their daughter graduate, get married, have grand-kids - the normal, healthy life that parents want for their kids. And they don't deserve that. For 18 years, my parents have supported me, encouraged me, and provided me with necessities and luxuries. And how am I thanking them? I'm running off to another state and robbing them of the person they've loved for 18 years - I'm robbing my dad of being able to walk his daughter down the aisle, my mom of playing with her grandkids.

It's not fair. This shouldn't happen to two hard-working, long-suffering, decent people who've only ever done what they thought was best for their children - no matter their own financial, mental, and emotional costs. Two parents who have never done anything wrong now have a handicapped child who's going to burden them into old age and a child who is willingly disfiguring and making things difficult for herself and abandoning the family values. And I'm making it happen, and it's breaking my heart.

I hate this. I hate that I'm still going to do it, and I hate that I'm hurting them. I never wanted to hurt anyone.

This is just a rant. After all, there's no one better to tell personal agonies to than a group of strangers. I guess you have to be selfish to transition - to do a lot, for that matter. 

[Jamie-o]

For what it's worth, you didn't ask to be trans any more than your sister asked to be handicapped.  Kids grow up and change and become their own people.  Parents have to accept that.  It's no more selfish of you to transition than it is for you to outgrow your nursery, or to start to school, or to leave home - all things that parents dread, but must face.  I'm sorry that things worked out the way they did, out of your control.  It will undoubtedly take time, but I hope that your family will come to the realization that they can be every bit as proud of their son, as they were of their daughter. *hugs*

[Vexing]

It's your life and you should get to live it how you see fit.
Your life should not be lived by the expectations of your parents.

If there was one thing I would say to your parents, it is this:
Being trans does not prevent you from being a good person. It does not prevent you from having a career, a home, a stable relationship or happiness.
They can still be proud of you.
Being trans doesn't prevent you from succeeding in life.

[GinaDouglas]

Admittedly, that is one way to look at it.  Not just for you, but for any of us.  One of the few good plays/movies about transsexuals, is called Normal, about a married man who decides, late in life, to transition.  At one point, the wife tells her transitioning husband, "You're not a woman.  Only a man could be this selfish."

Making the decision to transition is a supremely selfish act.  After all, at the root of it, nothing could be more selfish than self-preservation, and self-preservation is the reason we all transition.

[ZoeB]

Making the decision to transition is a supremely selfish act.  After all, at the root of it, nothing could be more selfish than self-preservation, and self-preservation is the reason we all transition.

Sometimes not transitioning is the more selfish act.

You prefer to die rather than live with the consequences to those you love, not thinking about the worse consequences your premature death would bring.

Not necessarily death from overt suicide - but premature death from stress-related illness, or institutionalisation when your mind finally snaps is just suicide under another name.

I'm acutely aware of this as I didn't have the courage to transition, I just hoped that the merciful heart attack that was already overdue according to my doctor would come quickly. It was only after transition that I realised I was being not just cowardly, but selfish too.

I was always the "normal one" who other members of the family relied on too. But you know what? They managed.

[avmorgan]

Ouch. This has to be, like, your worst fear come true. This is a very difficult position to be in and because your parents reacted so emotionally, and so antagonistically, it could easily tear all of you apart. I do hope you have someone there, in person, who can help you deal with this... I mean, not just a therapist, though he or she would be able to provide your family with resources and counseling they will need to cope with the truth, and get over their assumptions and expectations. As much as they accuse you of being selfish--the most selfish accusation a person can make--they probably blame themselves for your condition (however irrationally they go about it) as well. They need help, and they won't be able to get it directly from you until they reach the point where they genuinely understand what you have been going through all of your life. You will also need a lot of help, because your family has a whole arsenal of things they can do to manipulate you (it only starts with the angry guilt trip).

My own family had mixed reactions to my condition, when I came out. My mother and sister were relatively supportive, my father went straight into denial and my brothers ranged from "I don't care, you're still my brother" to "Dude! Don't cut off your dick!" to not speaking to me for years. When my attempt to transition failed, my family was willing to help me--but their encouragement was all in the direction of getting myself "straightened out" and living as a man. The are afraid of what will happen to me if I transition, I think. I have a big family though, so it is not threat to any of them if I go through with it. I'll be the black sheep of the family, but they started to see me that way when I started falling apart in college--when I was not able to tell them why. I used to be the golden boy in the family, the prodigal son, the first in the family to go to college, the one who was too smart to fail... their disappointment in me was one of the shattering blows that broke me. Twice. I still love them, but being around them drives me crazy! I pretty much did move away so I would be able to get my head around transitioning again.

It is very selfish of your parents to assume that you can not or will not be a responsible member of the family simply because you are making the changes you must to ensure your long-term health and well-being. I mean, if this is a family where people love each other and respect each other for who they are, it would only be natural to assume that you can expect their full and unconditional support of you as you transition just as much as they can expect your help in supporting and caring for your sister. Any other expectation on their part would show that they value you only as far as you are useful to them. Of course, if you said that to them, they would really blow a gasket!

[Jaimey]

I think you need to give your parents a little time to adjust.  If I read this correctly, this just happened and of course your parents are shocked.  So  give them some time before you decide that you've broken their hearts.  Parents can be pretty resilient where their children are concerned  (no matter what they might have said...).

Parents want their children to be happy.  That's number one.  Yes, they had pictured a certain future for you, but all kids grow into whoever they are going to be and parents adjust.  Stop beating yourself up...especially since you were going to tell them anyway.  You know, this might be better.  It sounded like you were going to tell them and then leave...that's a really good way to hurt a relationship.  Now that you have to face them, maybe you can give them a chance to get to know their son.  Not only that, but you are still you no matter what your gender is.  Give them a chance to see that.  You still have the same dreams, right?  It's not as if you can't be successful if you're a man.  If they still have trouble understanding, see if you can have a family therapy session...I'm assuming you have a therapist. 

Give your parents a chance to come around.  Try to talk to them and just be yourself.  The more awkward you are, the more awkward they're going to be.  I wish you the best of luck.

[Ellieka]

Hi Petsjazz,

Wow, defiantly not the best way to be outed. I'm sorry that it happened that way.

But think about this for a moment:

If you had decided to take the "less selfish" route, what would you be like 20 years down the road. If you had decided that transitioning would have been too detrimental to your family you may have done worse damage in the long run.

If you waited as I did for 30+ years chances are you would have become bitter and hateful. You might have come to resent your family because their nonacceptance. You might have had several failed marriages and possibly children of your own. Just imaging how much more difficult it could be if you waited?

If you grew bitter and hateful they would have undoubtedly been hurt far worse. If they thought you hated them it would most certainly destroy them.

Instead of letting their negative reactions and feelings influence your day to day attitude try putting on your best smile.

Over the last few months I have learned something vital. Happiness is contagious. If you are happy and you let it radiate from you others will notice. Love and compassion are two of the keys to a happy fulfilling life. I can see that you have plenty of both because of how much you care about their feelings. Now just let it shine and sooner or later they will start to see that your really not all that bad.   

[stacyB]

A few thoughts come to mind...

give them some time before you decide that you've broken their hearts.

First, think about how long it took you to come to terms with who you are. To find some way to get to where you need to be. They've only had a short time to process this, and their initial reactions are not necessarily indicative of how they will cope in the time ahead.

Second, just because you are transitioning does not mean you are abandoning them. Moving away for your own personal mental health does not constitute being selfish. As the others pointed out here, you do no one any good if you break.

Its understandable why you feel the way you do. But take your sister out of the picture... would your reaction be the same? Would you feel the same? That should be the basis to assess your situation. And even so, you have a right to make a life for yourself...

I wish I could find words of comfort... all I can say is from this side of the fence, you are doing the best you can to find the peace you need to live. What parent doesnt want that for their child?

[Cindy]

It is easy to fall into misery and blame yourself for following a course of action that is needed for your own survival.
This be difficult but how about writing a letter to them, something they can read over, talk about. You sound like a lovely person who loves his family and your sister. The damage to the family relationship may be more of shock than anything. Remember at some time they were going to find out anyway. What is going to happen to your sister when your parents cannot cope? Did they or rather do they expect you to look after her? This may also be part of the equation. Two sisters will live together but a new son and a handicapped sister doesn't equate (to them).

I read from the others of how sorry we are for the terrible situation you are in. My heart goes out to you. But remember this was going to happen at some time anyway. Were you expecting to suddenly turn up from Uni as a dude and say hi! Guess what happened to me on the way to the forum?

Hope it works out.
Love and hugs

Cindy

[Flameboy]

Everyone else has already said all the stuff I would have said, so I just want to say don't beat yourself up about it. You're still the same person, getting the same grades - it's just that you happen to be their son, not the daughter they thought they had.

I don't know if your parents would be willing to read to find out more about trans stuff, but if so I'd definitely recommend that you buy them a copy of True Selves by Mildred Brown. It's written for family and friends of trans people, and explains a lot of stuff in a very accessible manner. I gave my parents a copy when I came out to them, and they said it was really helpful - it's available on Amazon if you want to get a copy.

Good luck - it's a very tough situation you're in but hang in there and you'll get through it!

[Feever]

I see it this way:

They were going to find out sooner or later right?  Sure, if they found out later and you were already masculine, there wouldnt be much they could do.  But now, right at the beginning of your transition, it is awkward because they see you as a girl.

[stacyB]

In the fallout from this they may also express their feeling of hurt that you didnt confide in them earlier. That surely wont help you but please dont let it add to the burden you already carry. Few can understand from this side of the fence how difficult it is to share in this side of ourselves, and often we hide who we are because the pain of coming out is often a heavier load than we believe we are capable of carrying...

Sometimes though parents will amaze you... my father was a staunch believer in "till death do you part" and made it so clear while I was growing up how he didnt believe in divorce. But when it was my turn to exit my dying marriage, he understood that I needed to do this and was one of my strongest allies (my mom also was, she just didnt has as strong a negative viewpoint on the subject).

Give them a chance to come around... much as we hate to admit it, we are all a product of our families. Im betting that your best qualities come at least in some part from them.

[Feever]

In the fallout from this they may also express their feeling of hurt that you didnt confide in them earlier. That surely wont help you but please dont let it add to the burden you already carry. Few can understand from this side of the fence how difficult it is to share in this side of ourselves, and often we hide who we are because the pain of coming out is often a heavier load than we believe we are capable of carrying...

Sometimes though parents will amaze you... my father was a staunch believer in "till death do you part" and made it so clear while I was growing up how he didnt believe in divorce. But when it was my turn to exit my dying marriage, he understood that I needed to do this and was one of my strongest allies (my mom also was, she just didnt has as strong a negative viewpoint on the subject).

Give them a chance to come around... much as we hate to admit it, we are all a product of our families. Im betting that your best qualities come at least in some part from them.

I can only agree.

[Just Kate]

I realize that your parents are very upset right now.  They just now found out, and typically when emotionally normal people receive unwanted or unexpected news, they tend to act out more when first receiving the news.  Remember, you've had 20+ years to prepare for this day, 20+ years to deal with not being "normal," they have had less than a day.  Please give them time.  The best thing, BEST thing you can do, is have the humble spirit with them that you came to this forum with.  Realizing their pain is the first step to enabling them to become supportive of you, to accept this difference, and seeing the extreme good in you once again.

As I see it you have a choice. 
1) Truly act selfishly and deny their pain, childishly insisting that they acknowledge your value, while eventually deciding they are terrible people for not immediately accepting you.
2) Consider their pain, act in the humble manner you have, sit and talk with them, let them go through the grief process, and show them the loving side of you that you definitely seem to have within you.

After that, they have a choice - to love you as they once did or not.  You cannot control how they respond, but by being peaceful, humble, and kind, you can encourage them by your loving example to choose to love you, to choose to work through this with you, and decide to make the best of this difficult situation with your family in tact.

You came here with a feeling of tremendous gratitude for what they have done for you, acknowledging their own particular challenges with your sister and in their own lives, and I sense you did so without guile.  Continue to value them as you have, and you have the best chance of maintaining your relationship and causing them to respond with love in kind.  Just remember, they will need time.  Seeing your character shine through your post, I'm sure you will do the right thing.

[Teknoir]

If you need to transition and you put it off to spare the feelings of your family, there's a chance you'll end up losing your sanity in the process. Then your folks would have no normal kids at all. Also, you'd end up resenting your family and that may eventually tear you apart regardless.

You aren't being selfish. You're facing an issue that could potentially lead to... well, lets just say major problems if unchecked. Sorting the issue out is something you HAVE to do in order to still be there for your family in the future when they will need you most (as well as live your life, but you know, that doesn't sound as cool).

It actually sounds like you've been given one hell of a guilt trip. Don't be hating on yourself - you have nothing to be guilty for. You didn't set out hurt anyone. You're fixing a problem. That's all. Transitioning for a better quality of life is no more selfish than say, changing a cracked head gasket to prolong the life of a car. Funnily enough, both are time consuming, interesting, expensive, messy, and people don't understand why you're doing it .

[Miniar]

So often we are told that we have to think of our families. We are told we have to do right by them before we can do right by ourselves, but this isn't something we should consider "always" true.
Sometimes we have to do what's right by ourselves so that we "can" do what's right by our families.
We don't owe our parents anything "more" than being the best, most successful, and more importantly than anything else, the happiest that we can be.
We aren't doing right by anyone, not ourselves, and not our family, by being miserable and stuck in a life we don't feel's worth the living.
Your folks will come around, if they really care about you at all that is, when they realize it's not just a phase or a joke and that you're really happy being yourself.

[Feever]

We don't owe our parents anything "more" than being the best, most successful, and more importantly than anything else, the happiest that we can be.

As a parent myself, I can only hope that my children will grow up and be as happy as they can be.

I think you hit the nail right on the head Miniar!!

[perfectisolation]

I know how you feel, petzjazz. My parents are just like yours and only give to me and my brother. But both me and my brother have depression and motivation issues and we both could turn out to shame the family. Well, I already am, cause they know I'm transgender, and they know that when I get a job I'm most likely gonna start transition. And I'm never having kids so my brother's the only one they could count on for grandkids. It's so sad, my parents only want us to be happy and we have every chance to. My dad is 60 works 40+ hours a week for us to go to college and my brother might drop out of uni and quit his job and now they pay all his bills and for me too. And now because of the economy he might never be able to retire.

Anyways petzjazz, you can still make your parents proud even being a physically transitioned transman. You can still be successful in your career, get married, have a family and kids. Even though that's not what they expect you to be. But having expectations of people only leads to disappointment.