Ongoing therapy, and how much time between sessions? (long)

[Chrissty]

Well I've had two sessions so far, and although I love my therapist "Sharon" and her open mindedness... I suppose that I was disappointed that I never felt the "relief" that so many of you talk about. From the first day I felt like I had nothing to loose, so I was totally open and honest, and we discussed even the most intimate details. Since then I have carried out daily self diagnosis and written reports on my assigned "homework".

...I just haven't felt that any part of my 'burden' was lifted, only that I was letting someone else know it existed ..if you see what I mean.

....but there has been a nagging doubt in my head...why did I not cry at any point in the sessions.....I mean... I have difficulty holding back tears during the silliest moments in movies, I feel like breaking down and sobbing sometimes for no apparent reason, I often get a 'lump in my throat' when discussing successful projects at work...so why has it not happened?

...so I finally realised what the problem might be today..I 'simply' have a core fear of expressing emotions, and I have spent a lifetime of burying them deep inside. I have become obsessed and scared with the idea that if I let them out, they will never go 'back in', and they will project the 'real' me I'm trying so hard to hide. 

So what I am actually doing is discussing everything honestly and factually, but I am keeping myself detached from the discussion. How I'm doing this in my sessions I am not totally sure, but I think it may be a combination of treating sessions like dream and telling myself I will wake up and it will all go away (still in denial?), or everything in my life has become a dream due to the ridiculous levels of stress I am under at the moment.

On a positive note, at least it's becoming clearer what I need to work on at my next session.....

Anyway, I was also interested to find out that over here in the UK the 'norm' is have weekly therapy sessions for the first 3 months of care. Sharon raised this in our second session, but she said she was OK with me making my sessions monthly as she thought I was able to deal with the gaps, and I was coping OK with my emotions (maybe not?).

What has become clear in the last couple of weeks to me, is that there are times where the 4 weeks can be too long, even when I am 'in control', and particularly when I hit major personal issues that impact on my life. I have coped, but I have picked up some open emotional wounds, which still need treatment, and are risking infection.

Clearly my existing coping mechanisms, are being overstretched, and I am not sure how to fix them. Thank goodness I only have 2 more days to my next session, and the ongoing hope that I may find just a little of the 'relief' this time........Pleeeease


Chrissty

[katherine]

Hi Chrissty, first you look lovely!  My experience was different, but perhaps it's because I wanted to open up my emotions as well.  We spend a lifetime of hiding what we are inside.  It's part of what makes our lives so very difficult.  The fear of exposing our true selves and the imagined or real negative reactions that might result. Like you, I cry when watching certain things on tv or in the movies, or hearing/seeing on the news or something about an incredibly touching moment in someones life, etc. When people here express certain things, my eyes well up. I guess we are very emotional creatures.

I cried several times during my sessions. My therapist always had a box of tissues for me.  The thing is, I had to let it out. It was my opportunity to be me, to express myself fully in a way I otherwise couldn't. To not keep the emotions locked up inside.  I don't know if that is what you're doing for sure, only you do.  If you are, then let go.  Geez, my eyes are welling up! So silly.  I just recall the wave of relief I felt back then. It was so needed and so necessary.

Just my experience.  We all experience therapy differently, I'm sure.  I hope that you find whatever relief you are needing.  Who knows, tears may not even be necessary for you.  Hugs and take care.

I should add that the sessions should be as often as you feel necessary and comfortable with.  There were times when I saw my therapist before our next planned session.  I felt I needed to talk and release some anxiety and tension.  Sometimes, if she didn't have someone following me, we'd talk longer, extend the current session.

[Chrissty]

Hi Katherine,

Thank you for the compliment, and I like your mirror trick too..

All my life I have been emotionally bullied or blackmailed by my father, and for most of my working life I have been in jobs where any sign of emotion would jumped on and used against me. So my emotions have been buried deep, and it's going to take a quite a bit of careful work to dig them out . 

..still...I'm going to keep taking my tissues with me to sessions, until I get a chance to use them..



Chrissty

[Jay]

Chrissty,

I can understand where you are coming from. I thought I would cry before hand in relief. Yet I still haven't cried, even when I found out when my surgery date what. I just don't think I need to cry any more maybe we look at it as we don't need to as we are on the right path now. Why cry.. feel sad about something we are dealing with.

I am surprised you have appointments every month. I used to have appointments every three months now I have one every 6 months, as I really don't have anything to talk about. I hope the NHS is paying for your sessions. I have never actually seen Sharon as yet when I have been, as I think she uses the same office as Dr Curtis.

I always have been one to hide my real feelings even the people who "know me best" don't know what I really feel. We put on a front to protect ourselves. Like you said from getting bullied and so forth.

I hope you can open up


Jay

[Chrissty]

Hi Jay,

Thanks...     I simply can't go on much longer feeling the way I do..

Yes, Sharon uses one of the therapy rooms on Fridays, and no, the NHS do not pay. She actually says most of the people she works with are private 

...and yes...I've got plenty of demons to play with...

..but you're lookin sooo good these days ...Not long now...



Chrissty

[paulault55]

Hi Chrissty, i did have the huge relief after my first session, i think it had to do with all the baggage i had been carrying around for 56 years and was told with just one visit i was transsexual even though in my mind i knew it.

As far a crying goes only a few times did i come close, and even then i tried to suppress it, yes it goes back to the guys don't cry thing, i was self administering hrt but now under an Endo's care and my emotions are all over the place, i will be happy one minute then read something and be in tears the next. I need to just let the tears flow if they need to when I'm at my therapist.

My sessions have been weekly for the last three months now, my insurance pays all but my $15.00 co-pay, each year i am allowed 30 visits that they will pay for so in the next couple months i will have to scale my sessions back to every other week. but for now i have plenty of things to discuss each week. There will come a time when weekly or monthly sessions won't be needed anymore, a friend of mine now goes every six months.

Paula.

[sd]

I start therapy  a week from today (WOOHOO!) and I was actually worried about this myself.

What if I don't cry (I figure 50/50 at best), will it look bad, like I am not serious about it?
I have tons more things running around my head regarding this but I figure I will just wait and see.


Glad to see you getting underway Chrissty. 
No more waiting around.

[Northern Jane]

I never did therapy until 34 years after transition/SRS when I became aware that a horrible childhood left me with PTSD. A half dozen sessions really helped me figure out where that had got under my skin and helped me get rid of it. (34 years? Well, sometimes I am not to quick LOL!)

[Janet_Girl]

Relief will come.  The tears will come.  Remember, Sis, we have all been conditioned to not show emotions.  "Big Boys Don't Cry", "Quit Being A Sissy", etc.   We must unlearn these things.  While I have never cried in the presence of my therapist, I have been so emotionally happy that I can't seem to sit still.

But just being in session was a relief.  To admit to another person that this is who I am, was a relief.  And everyday after that is a relief.

And I like the new pic.

Love Ya, Sis
Janet

[imaz]

Hi Chrissty,

Nice to hear you are positive about therapy. Not sure about once a month as it's hard to get back in the groove sometimes with such a long break. Once a week would be preferable IMO. Taking your own tissues? No way, it's part of the therapist's duty to provide them! (I do admit to taking Kitchen towel in the past due to the copious crying!)

I believe their ability is far more important than having a GID specialisation, that's just my take on the situation. My wife, who as a psychologist is in the business, believes good friends and family are much more important than professional therapists. That's just her personal non official opinion and heavily influenced by her culture I suspect.

[Maya]

In the beginning I use to go weekly, problaby because I was a total mess and thinking about suicide.  I used to cry constantly I think because it was such a relief to be able to talk honestly and openly and to have a real person acknowledge me in a face to face situation.  My therapist was the first person I opened up to about having gender issues.

These days I am feeling much better and stronger, so not much crying unless we get into a discussion about some sensitive situation where I still have issues to deal with.  I go every other week and at times it seems like it could be longer between sessions.  I still struggle with periodic bouts of depression so I don't want to go longer than every two weeks until I get that under control.

Maya

[katherine]

I didn't have problems family wise because my family didn't really know, though I suspect my mother had a clue.  I can identify with the job thing.  My military career was one in which I dare not expose myself as the unit I belonged to is strictly male only.  My current job, though not necessarily male only, is certainly not one where such emotions can be displayed (I really need a job where I can transition into being myself!).
I'm sure with time your therapist will help you release your emotions.  I'd really hate to see you keep them bottled up inside, that can be so very unhealthy. Whether you let out a good cry or not, I hope you find some emotional relief. Hugs.

[Chrissty]

Well I still have to work..

...so I have only just got back to this thread...
..so many replies...Thank You All

..Paula...I'm glad to hear it is going well for you...

..Leslie.. I really thought you had already started...Good Luck Hon 

...Jane...Thank you...I don't think after 50 years I could be described as "quick" either here..

..Janet..Thanks Sis...We'll talk later..

..Imaz..LOL..I think your wife is right, but while we are still in a 'stealth' situation the freinds and family thing is a little difficult

..Maya.. I hope that depression subsides soon 

..and Katherine....Thank you...Bottling up is what I do best..I have to for now...I'll just have to go out back more and SCRREEEEAMM !..for now..

*Big Hug*

Chrissty

[sd]

..Leslie.. I really thought you had already started...Good Luck Hon 

Thanks!
Hehe, I read a lot so I probably sound more informed for where I am.