Split personallity

[TheBattler]

Just a quick question.

Has anyone every thought of themself as a split personality.

I said today to one of my work co-worers today I have two personality. For any of those people who have transistioned later in life - if you have felt a  male and female side my guess your female side is growing now it is free, I know my fem side is growing.

It was funny last night at swimming I was I was admirring someone earrings (studs) that are like mine. I was about to say I brought some nice long earring for wearing out before remembering that being a guy (male mode) and probably should not say that. It felt so natural to be talking about girly stuff   - I am now wearing the necklace that match the earrings.

Alice

[cindianna_jones]

I have never seen myself as two separate personalities.  I know that I have only one.  I've never considered my female vs male side.  I always knew that there was just parts of my life that I could never divulge.  It  doesn't sound like you have two personalities per se.  But your description as your male/female sides is completely valid.

Cindi

[Buffy]

I have never seen myself as two separate personalities.  I know that I have only one.  I've never considered my female vs male side.  I always knew that there was just parts of my life that I could never divulge.  It  doesn't sound like you have two personalities per se.  But your description as your male/female sides is completely valid.

Cindi

My thoughts entirely Cindi.

I have only been one person, but I agree you can have a male and female side of varying proportions.

Buffy

[Jillieann Rose]

Girls she talking about me. I had 2 personalities that have lived and feuded within me for years. When I first came to Susan's I was two people a male and a female but she was the real person and he was my creating. It started, I believe, being a complient child, early in life, I created a male personailty, to please others and protect myself. But my true self (personality) aways fought to have a voice.
Now I am one, and female, thanks to the help of my therapist.
So I do know what you are talking about Alice.  It is very confussing and you have no piece of mind.
I believe you need to unite them so you don't countine to have two minds pulling in different directions.

Jillieann

[TheBattler]

Thanks Jilliean,

You where one of the girls I had in mind when I created this thread. Yes I do need to unite my two side - of late they have wanted to go their separate ways - that has not been good.

Alice

[Kimberly]

I am not sure if this will help any, but when I first became aware of myself it appeared as if there was a distinct split between the girl and the boy. However, in time I came to realize that that split was closer akin to looking in a mirror and seeing oneself in a foreign party costume. That 'boy', which I thought I was, was little more than a mask. My mask. 'He' never was. So really, no there is just one of me although it took a bit of time to understand that fully, and in fact I really couldn't until I let go of 'him'; That was last December by the by, some 8 months after I 'let her out'. (Um, 3 months HRT I guess, if that means anything.)

An yes, there was a lot of pain and tears in that 8 months. Life is much better now that I am me

I hope that helps in someway.

[Chaunte]

Oooooooohhhhhhhh, yeah!

The difficulty I have right now is remembering that some comments appropriate for Chaunte to say would raise a lot of eyebrows in I said them in male-mode!  I am forced to think very carefully before I say anything as I livein this in-between stage.

On the other hand, having a split personality isn't sucha bad thing.  At least I'm never alone.... 

Chaunte

[Casey]

When I first started to try to understand what and who I am I definately felt like two complete people. I don't feel that way anymore but I still have experiences like you described.

Did you see Teri Hatcher on the April cover of Glamour? I had "his" thoughts and "her" thoughts coming right on top of each other. "He" appreciated her beauty as guys do and wanted to be her boyfriend. "She" admired her dress, lamented that she couldn't pull off anything like that, and wished she was Teri. And they were both trying to talk over the top of the other. Talk about a head trip.

[Melissa]

I beieve that when a transsexual (you may or may not be one) sees themselves as 2 separate personalities, this is a coping mechanism, because they are not quite ready to accept the truth about themselves.  They may refer to when they are being their true selves in the third person.  I think as they adjust to the idea that they are really female and the male persona was just an act, this feeling of 2 distinct personalities starts to fade.  Look at it as a halfway acceptance and you know you are at least part female, but perhaps not ready to accpt that you may not actually be male.  I think time is the only thing that will bring you closer to acceptance.

What I wrote is my own belief based on my own acceptance of myself and it may or may not apply to you, but use it as you will.

Melissa

[Kate]

Has anyone every thought of themself as a split personality.

I think Melissa nailed it with the idea that we split ourselves when we're not ready to accept something very fundamental about ourselves. Errr.. ourself. It's a way of keeping one foot on both shores... painful as that becomes.

I mean I'm pretty much just ME, whether doing masculine or feminine things. BUT, the pull towards transitioning sometimes feels like a external alien force, spirit possession, etc. I'm not saying it IS these things - I know it's just ME in here - but it FEELS like that sometimes. "How can I be doing this?" "What AM I doing?" "Am I NUTS?" That sorta thing.

Heck, I even have a small pic at the top of my journal page of a girl I admire. And every time I open my journal, I point at her accusingly, saying, "it's all YOUR fault!" How's that for transfering responsibility? Avoiding acceptance?

And yet, she is me, I am her. I "know" that, but it takes time to "feel" it, for the decades of excuses and lies to erode and wash away.

AND I think there's a bit of a pendulum effect sometimes. That is, when first exploring these issues, we sometimes swing sooooo far from one extreme to another, from superficial, super-frilly femininity back to the stoic, super-tough, practical maleness... that the scope just feels too large to bottle into a single soul. But it's still ALL you - the whole bloody adventure, with all the characters and chapters and drama that go into it. A soul exploring it's newfound freedom, searching for equilibrium.

[Sheila]

I have always known who I was, just kept it a secret until it boiled over. During my transition I started dressing more androgenous and slowly went all the way to fem role. Now I dress how I feel and for what I'm doing that day. It depends on the circumstances. I don't have two people in me, it's hard enough to just be me. I think my wife would have to agree, that if there were two of me then she would be going to the therapist. LOL I can imagine that some do have two personalities. I met a person who was intersexed and had over 20 people inside her. I saw the changes and couldn't believe it. It was caused by all the times she was molested.
Sheila

[TheBattler]

Thanks to all who have replied.

I beieve that when a transsexual (you may or may not be one) sees themselves as 2 separate personalities, this is a coping mechanism, because they are not quite ready to accept the truth about themselves.  They may refer to when they are being their true selves in the third person.  I think as they adjust to the idea that they are really female and the male persona was just an act, this feeling of 2 distinct personalities starts to fade.  Look at it as a halfway acceptance and you know you are at least part female, but perhaps not ready to accpt that you may not actually be male.  I think time is the only thing that will bring you closer to acceptance.

What I wrote is my own belief based on my own acceptance of myself and it may or may not apply to you, but use it as you will.

Melissa

Thanks Melissa, I always value your input - I am sure the therapy session today will agin focus on building networks and avioiding transistion. You are right in that I do not want to accept that 'I am not a male' so I am happy to avoid transistion for now. I guess time will tell where I am heading.

AND I think there's a bit of a pendulum effect sometimes. That is, when first exploring these issues, we sometimes swing sooooo far from one extreme to another, from superficial, super-frilly femininity back to the stoic, super-tough, practical maleness... that the scope just feels too large to bottle into a single soul. But it's still ALL you - the whole bloody adventure, with all the characters and chapters and drama that go into it. A soul exploring it's newfound freedom, searching for equilibrium.

Gee I hope I find equilibrium soon. I have had two good day and after putting ona dress last night I feel unbalanced again this morning. I hate days like today - they just make my angry.

Alice

[Chaunte]

I beieve that when a transsexual (you may or may not be one) sees themselves as 2 separate personalities, this is a coping mechanism, because they are not quite ready to accept the truth about themselves.  They may refer to when they are being their true selves in the third person.  I think as they adjust to the idea that they are really female and the male persona was just an act, this feeling of 2 distinct personalities starts to fade.  Look at it as a halfway acceptance and you know you are at least part female, but perhaps not ready to accpt that you may not actually be male.  I think time is the only thing that will bring you closer to acceptance.

What I wrote is my own belief based on my own acceptance of myself and it may or may not apply to you, but use it as you will.

Melissa

Very true!  In my posts talking about my past, I always describe myself as a Dr. Jeckyl and a Ms. Hyde - neither wanting to admit that the other person lives. 

It was when I started to accept myself that the distinction between Jeckyl & Hyde started to blur.  Nowadays, its finally starting to fade.

Chaunte

[Melissa]

I remember the first therapist I saw was not a Gender therapist, but she did say that after a couple sessions she did not feel like I had any of the other possibilities.

Melissa

[Owen]

I dont think I have a split personallity however as I get older the female side seam to come out more than the male side. I had at an early age thought I was  a girl and would get confused when put in traditional male roles. As I grew up I went to male mode untill around my 20's when the female side started to come out. I flipped between male and female a few times untill recently when the female side came on strong. I think I could be either male or female. I could be comfortable in both. I still do male things but I do female girly stuff in my off hours. Not sure if this could be considered  split personality. I am who I am and if it looks female then  thats what I am or if it looks more like male then thats what I am. Though lately it's been more female.

Owen

love being female

[Buffy]

Hi Alice:

One of the reasons for therapy is to discard the possibitity of other phsychiatric disorders such as schizophrenia, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder ,or DID, so it is very unlikely, perhaps even impossible,  that someone can be diagnosed with TSim when in fact that someone is the victim of severe mental illness.

I have only met one person who had DID and GID, but his DID was related to one of the many personalities he had, so eventually he was taken off hormones and given the proper treatment for his DID.  He has now forgotten that one of his personalities used to be gender dysphoric, or maybe that personality has not shown for a long time, I don't know, for now he thinks he is an allien from a distant galaxy who has come to earth to do a scientific study, so as you can see he is very, very ill.

As far as my own experience is concerned, I'm just a woman; of course some people also think that I am insane, so they have come up with terms like transgender, transsexual, and gender dysphoric.

tinkerbell


[/quote

A very good point Tinkerbell,

I had a friend who started to transition and was actually disgnosed with schizophrenia as part of the testing that was in the SOC. He actually de-transitioned after treatment for his illness and is living a very happy life as a guy.

Buffy

[Jillieann Rose]

Alice,
I'm going to try to share some of my thought on what I have gone and still am going through.
I hated the male personality and want to destroy (kill) it anyway I could. I knew that the he wasn't real just something I made up. I felt that he had locked me (Jillieann) in a prison for years and I eventually just forced myself out. This was my thinking when I was at war with myself and I hated him for what he had done to me and all the wasted years.
But that is not the real story. It's just how I felt.
In reality all of me, yes I, decide not to hide anymore and that it was safe to come out. I said the hell with what other people think; I'm going to be me. I wanted my real spirit the real person to be free. Free of fear, free of rejection, free of my self inflicted bondage. 
But during my years of acting I had learned how to behave in any and every situation that I had encountered in the male personality.
How could I now learn how interact with the world around me as a female? I had very little knowledge and no experience.
It took me awhile and some trying situations but I made peace with that created person and I united with him. You see another way of looking at the male personality is that he was just my way of dealing with life and what I needed was to save that data (information). You see I have decided that is what he really was just a lot of information and that I used to deal with the world around me, even if I didn't always make the best or the right choice. Now I'm using the data to learn how to become the woman that I should be.

I believe that when a transsexual (you may or may not be one) sees themselves as 2 separate personalities, this is a coping mechanism, because they are not quite ready to accept the truth about themselves.  They may refer to when they are being their true selves in the third person.  I think as they adjust to the idea that they are really female and the male persona was just an act, this feeling of 2 distinct personalities starts to fade.  Look at it as a halfway acceptance and you know you are at least part female, but perhaps not ready to accept that you may not actually be male.  I think time is the only thing that will bring you closer to acceptance.

What I wrote is my own belief based on my own acceptance of myself and it may or may not apply to you, but use it as you will. 

Melissa

I agree with you Melissa.
But I am still dealing with it from a more emotional level. He has faded away as unique persona.
But all of his memories and passed actions are still with and part of me. At one time I just wanted to rid myself of them but now I know that I need them to go forward. But I'm not at peace yet.

The two are now one but there is another one a child within. I'm still working on freeing this child the inter me from all of her fears with the help of my therapist.

Alice & Chaunte,
I love to share with coworkers or anyone about how beautiful a dress is or any outfit. What colors I like. What kinds of jewelry is my favorite. No more do I worry about separating my life into male or female mode although I once did. I'm me no matter how I dressed or what I am doing and I'm going to be as honest and as real as I can be. I'm doing it for me. No more hiding no more living in fear of what other think.  I'll say it again the hell with anyone who has a problem with it.

This is my ideal but in reality I'm still working on it, but getting better all of the time.

These are the though of a weird person. 
So follow them at your own discretion.

Jillieann

[TheBattler]

Hi Alice:

One of the reasons for therapy is to discard the possibitity of other phsychiatric disorders such as schizophrenia, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder ,or DID, so it is very unlikely, perhaps even impossible,  that someone can be diagnosed with TSim when in fact that someone is the victim of severe mental illness.

I have only met one person who had DID and GID, but his DID was related to one of the many personalities he had, so eventually he was taken off hormones and given the proper treatment for his DID.  He has now forgotten that one of his personalities used to be gender dysphoric, or maybe that personality has not shown for a long time, I don't know, for now he thinks he is an allien from a distant galaxy who has come to earth to do a scientific study, so as you can see he is very, very ill.

Funny you should mention that Tink, I just got back from a therapy session and she mentioned the same thing. I am to obsessed with Susans for one thing. I need to cut down some hours here and do some work when I am at work  .

Alice

[Kate]

if you have felt a  male and female side my guess your female side is growing now it is free, I know my fem side is growing.

My wife just said to me:

"I just don't understand... you were just such a GUY in so many ways. What about the auto racing? The aggresive side when we'd play? What happened to him? Was it all a lie? You're just all female now, it's like he was never there. In fact, it's like you just got rid of your maleness, instead of simply being female... or even just YOU."

And to be honest, I don't know what to say back to that. I can't exactly claim the male side was an act or fake persona. I did what I did because I enjoyed it, not simply because I felt I "should" as a male. But it always kinda felt like I was a girl playing in a man's world, raiding his forbidden toybox while trying to fit in as best I could.

And yet... I dunno, I now wonder who "he" is or was too sometimes. I seem to have lost interest in so many of the old things, from programming right through to women (as sexual beings). I don't see things the way I used to, and that's kinda sad in a way. I'm kinda floundering in-between... where the old indulgences lost their meaning, yet the new ones haven't quite taken root yet.

[TheBattler]

And yet... I dunno, I now wonder who "he" is or was too sometimes. I seem to have lost interest in so many of the old things, from programming right through to women (as sexual beings). I don't see things the way I used to, and that's kinda sad in a way. I'm kinda floundering in-between... where the old indulgences lost their meaning, yet the new ones haven't quite taken root yet.

I am starting to loose interest in my triathlon mainly because I can not do it at the level I could in previous years. Part of it is the distraction of my gender isssue which does not allow me to focuc on what I need to do training wise. I do not want to loose my triathlons to this - I have had some many good times and met so many great people.

Alice