It sure is a bumby ride sometimes

[scarboroughfair]

I have another blog that is the flip side to this one, hence there is no talk of my being a girl.

I still struggle with my conciense. I'm so worried that what I perceive myself to be (A woman) to be nothing more than a lifetime of psychological damage. I do feel as a complete failure as a man. My relationship with the wife is what I would say not of traditional values. I truly don't believe I make a very good husband, I failed. I failed to please my dad and step dad, and lacked attention from my grandfather that built a boat and sailed away,  he is now passed away. I had no male guidance growing up. A bigger part of my childhood was spent in institutions, group homes and a foster family.

I never had luck with girls in school because I was not an average guy that was a fighter and I was always more sensitive than the other guys. I,m so tired of having the recurring thought of burning in hell and being left lonely for an eternity! I'm sick of being torn apart by guilt! I'm getting too old for this crap! All I know is I feel I would make an awesome wife! I can see me and my husband growing old together. I can feel these feminine powers grow the more I allow them to. The more free my mind is, the more of my male traits are getting permanently wiped out!

My feeling of a girl is happiness! The more I am me, the more happy I am "ON AVERAGE", but the guilt as mentioned above has it's own little corner that needles me. People that I know have noticed a marked sense of improvement in my happiness. Who is right? What is right? I was physically born as a guy, what I am does not fit into the natural order of things. I'm very big on "the natural order of things! Will god condemn me? Is there such thing as god? If so, will he turn his back on me as I done my wife? Will he forgive me and take my pain away? Yes, I am happy, but like I said, the guilt has it's equal power which I find myself running from every day!

The dating sites I frequent worry me. Especially this one where it just seems like there is nothing but ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-s and perves that upload naked photos of there penis! I really think my odds are one in a million of finding a guy that is straight that will see the beauty in me and love me as I am. Yeah, I question my motives for wanting  "HRT". Would I be lying to myself if I said I would take hormones even if there was a 100% chance I would never find a guy? Is this a world of fantasy that I get better at conning myself into believing because I feel that I failed as a guy? How convenient.... I could ask these questions my entire life and never get a straight answer from myself. Just more questions....

I feel life slipping away as the days pass faster. I see the age setting in on my face! If I died tomorrow, what good have I done in life? Who have I hurt? What will people hold in their memory of me (If any)? I have no one in the real world (Not online) that will really take the time and REALLY listen to me without thinking I'm some sort of freak or just a cross dresser...

I'm in a house with family, but I still feel lonely, I feel I've come along way. By myself.

I have no clue what led me to this point in life, I just want to be happy.

[Nigella]

Hi Scarboroughfair,

I know how you feel. These feelings of guilt, past regrets and life slipping us by is something that trans people go through trying to find themselves. Particularly if we are heading the wrong side of 40/50 like myself, lol.

As far as God is concerned, I do believe in God and there are many interesting verses in the Bible on gender and inter sex conditions. The New Testament in particular and Jesus' words about eunuchs (which is the nearest thing to trans people) interestingly he gives them a blessing. Peter in the book of Acts is directed towards a eunuch, no mention about problems with their gender just talks with them and when asked by the eunuch to be baptised he does it no question asked. Also the apostle Paul speaks about there being no female or male in the Kingdom of God. Implying that these things are not important. I could go on but perhaps this should be another topic, lol. The main issue is sin not gender and God forgives sin. Hope I don't offend anyone by saying that.

God bless

Stardust

[aisha]

wow you guys are really cool... i feel like u totally understand.. i feel like im just remembering this all again, about who I am and its a hard process, theres a lot of pain.. it hurts.. and it doesnt make sense why a lot, but wow, its everything just to be understood

Cybele's blessing, ya know

[imaz]

Sorry to hear you worry like this ScarboroughFair. It's not for me to decide but I'm convinced none of us are going to burn in hell because we are TS, TG, LGBTQI etc...

Why on earth should we? It's just not logical, personally I believe that Allah/God is compassionate and merciful. Every human being has to go through difficult times in their lives and when one thinks about it our difficulties are at least interesting not to say pretty cool IMO

What is a good husband or wife? There is no real answer to such a question. My step father absolutely loves me for instance. I married his lesbian daughter and saved her and the family's reputation, and for that alone I can do no wrong in his eyes.

Life slipping away means little, we need to accept and enjoy where we are now and try to make the most of it for our friends and loved ones. If you are a believer you should really make the most of what you have been given and try to be good to others. IMO this can even just be something like flirting with people just to make them happy and thus yourself.

There are nice people out there but we never find them when we look for them. Just yesterday I was out with my wife and a lesbian friend buying a corset for a certain type of club We passed this amazingly hot girl and made eye contact, later who was working in the shop we went to...! Anyway my lesbian friend and her hit it off in a big way and all this by a sheer stroke of "fate". This happen for a reason and we can never know why and when they will happen.

Take care, a Big Hug,

-imaz-

[FairyGirl]

imho it is not a "sin" or selfish when you are sincerely seeking to find your true self. Unless we know who we truly are, how can we be of any use to anyone? A loving God/dess is not going to punish anyone, certainly not for trying to be who we were made to be. So we can spend our lives trying to be what everyone else says/thinks we should be and lose ourselves and be miserable as a result, or we can seek to know our own souls through stillness and meditation or whatever puts us in touch with our inner selves, and then finally we discover how wonderful life can be. Things are almost always NOT as bad as they seem. (next week when I'm down feel free to remind me of this  )
There is this really scary looking faerie named "G. Hobyah" who likes to dangle our fears and doubts in our faces and make them appear ever so larger than they really are. Once he knows you see him for what he is though, he shrinks right down to a tiny little nothing. Don't let him fool ya- you are charmed and precious just as you are, and you have by birthright the resources of the Grace of the world to help you along your journey.

[Sandy]

First off, BIG HUGS!!!

My sister, would you believe I think you are a "normal" transsexual?  Whatever that is.

I say that because just about every single thing you have mentioned I have felt.  So if there are two of us like that, then it must be normal!  It is a little tongue in cheek, but there is a serious side to it.

We all have these feelings, really.  The problem is that for us, there is no objective test that we can take that proves to ourselves and others that we have this "blessing inside a curse".  We are transsexual because we say we are.  It's as simple as that.

We constantly ask ourselves if we are doing the right thing.  Are we wrong?  Will we be punished for our "sin" or rewarded because we have taken the leap of faith that changing this most fundamental part of ourselves require?

I don't know.  But I will say, that once you have crossed over and transitioned, you will find such joy that you never knew existed.  The feelings you have when you are thinking about being a woman will be a reality and full time as well.  More importantly you will feel like yourself.  Whole and complete.

-Sandy

[luna]

Will god condemn me? Is there such thing as god? If so, will he turn his back on me as I done my wife? Will he forgive me and take my pain away? Yes, I am happy, but like I said, the guilt has it's equal power which I find myself running from every day!

I, myself, am agnostic. For good reason, because I felt trapped and empty in religion -- I can't feel fear for my entire life over who I am, Armageddon, or that I'm being influenced by some nefarious being into believing something that isn't true. I tried atheism, but I can't commit to a certainty of nothing.

At any rate, "God" made you who you are. Stop for a moment and think about this, the circumstances surrounding what made you who you are genetically and up until you became an adult were utterly beyond your control. I believe that if there is a God, THIS is our biggest test and he made us this way for a reason. Do we succumb to our environment and take the easier but more miserable route... or do we face our fears, overcome and move past our guilt, and be the best people we can and provide inspiration to others as well? To me, there is no question -- if there is a God, we are who we are because of that God, not in spite of it.

If you can't tell, the "god made a mistake" statements never sat well with me, and I can see how it would bother those with a good deal of faith.