Calling All Miss Manners

[Julie Marie]

or Mr. Manners...

Dear Miss (Mr) Manners,

I have a problem.

Two groups of friends are going to the ballet.  One group consists of a lesbian couple (me and mine) and our invited friend.  The other group consists of a single transwoman, her GG friend and a married couple, the husband a not-out TG.

The transwoman invites the married couple to the ballet to join her and the GG.  They accept.  A week or more later I call the transwoman and find out we will both be at the ballet for the same performance.  We discuss getting together afterwards for dinner and agree to do so.  All other parties are in agreement.

Three days before the performance the married TG gets cold feet.  The fear is being with her wife and people who know the wife will realize she is with a crossdressed version of her husband.  The wife is in the arts.  The husband has a political position in a distant suburb.

The transwoman calls me and asks if our guest can exchange seats with the TG to separate her from her wife and reduce the chances of being recognized in public.  I'm still not sure if our invited friend (who knows the transwoman) is coming so I say as long as everyone is okay with it, I'm okay.  But if our invited friend can't make it another friend will be there who knows only the me and my partner and then the answer is no.

The transwoman immediately calls the TG and says the switching seats idea is okay and plans are made without further approval from anyone else.

Later, I ask our invited friend if this is okay.  She feels put out and offended by the request but asks her disapproval not be divulged to the transwoman.  I call the transwoman but have to leave a message to call me.

The following day the transwoman returns the call and I tell her the seat exchange could cause our invited guest to feel imposed upon and say the seating should remain as it was originally.

The transwoman is offended.  I try to explain my position.  The transwoman shuts it down and won't listen and says, "what's done is done" the TG will just not be able to go.  Then she ends the conversation with, "If we see each other then we see each other, if not then we don't" and hangs up.

Tell me Miss (Mr) Manners, I wanted this to work out but now it seems I'm being made the bad girl. What should I do?

Julie
PS: I have my opinions but I'd like to hear yours...

[TamTam]

Seems to me that somebody's getting offended over something pretty minor, that was partially caused by their own misuse of your words in the first place.  If they don't want to go, they don't have to go.  Enjoy yourself.

[V M]

Virginia wants to go...

[iminadaze]

The transwoman is the one with the seating issue, actually its the TG's issue and
it should not be yours, I agree that the original seating arrangement should never have
changed (I think thats how you got tangled in there) and if meant that the TG wouldn't
go, then that is the TG's loss, you tried to make everyone comfortable and you ended up
becoming uncomfortable cuz of it.

"If we see each other then we see each other, if not then we don't"

This pretty much says it now. The only ones that you need to make comfortable is
your SO and your invited guest. and if you see her at the ballet say Hi! ask her how
how she and her guests are enjoying the show, then tell her you and yours
are having a great time and you love the seats 

...Or you could call her and tell her grow up and sit with you at the ballet, you with yours
and her with hers but together, hey if she is going to be stubborn then so can you 

Where are my manners?...Julie, I guess what I should be saying is don't let thier problem
be your problem, and have a wonderful time at the ballet.

[Julie Marie]

Well, here's how it went down...

We arrived at the ballet with our invited guest (the one who knew the transwoman, quite well I might add).  On the way there she had been advised we may not be getting together with the other group because the transwoman was upset.  This was not taken well.  Our friend said to my partner, "So no matter what, you had no choice here."

At the ballet, we sat in box seats that overlooked the main floor but could not find the other group.  There were empty seats that we all agreed the TG could have sat in and not inconvenienced anyone but herself.

At intermission my partner goes to the ladies room.  While in line she spots the transwoman with two other women, one was GG, one TG.  She decides to use the facilities and find them afterward but they were gone.  Even knowing how they were dressed we still couldn't find them in the crowd.

After the performance my partner calls the transwoman and leaves a message.  We head for the lobby and look for them there but don't see them.  Our friend calls the transwoman and leaves a message stating she's looking forward to seeing them all at dinner, as we originally planned.

We go to the restaurant but don't see them (no surprise there!)  So we sit down and have dinner.  Neither my partner nor our friend get a reply call from the transwoman.  Needless to say the transwoman was not spoken of very highly that day. 

The general consensus was that she assumed things, did not confer with anyone if things were okay with all and made plans to accommodate her guest even if it meant someone else would be inconvenienced.  Then, when she found out she was out of line she got mad and decided we would not meet for dinner.  Of course, her guests were denied the opportunity of meeting new people.

BTW, the transwoman is in her 50s. 

Is this ego?  Gross insecurity?  An inability to admit she was wrong?  And this woman is always preaching manners! 

As I heard about the responses from the transwoman I kept asking my partner, "What grade are we in now?" 

Julie

[JD]

Well hopefully you were able to enjoy the evening nonetheless.

It's hard to tell wether this is ego or anything else, all I can say that this story very much reminded me of the
logic puzzles
where you have clues and need to find out who lives in what house. Except on this one, there obviously wasn't a solution, at least not one that could be provided from your side only.
I would've acted the same if I'd found myself in the same situation. ^^