Finally Came Out to My Mom

[Jamie-o]

It went better than I feared.  She acted sort of as if I'd invited her over and told her I was fixing meatloaf: Not terribly enthusiastic, but too polite to raise any real objections.

There were some long, awkward silences, and she said it must be hard for me.  She asked if this meant I was attracted to women, (no) and expressed concern that this would make it hard to find a mate.  She wanted to know if I'd grow any taller, and what I planned to call myself, and how I planned to pay for surgery.  She also said my dad would never understand (which I expected her to say) and that it was a good thing most of our relatives are dead (which sounds really bad when I type it out here, but it wasn't said with malice, only as a statement of how difficult a time they would have had accepting this, which is true.)

So, it was neither the great emotional scene I feared, nor a great show of support, but at least it's out there and I can stop feeling as if I'm hiding such a huge part of my life from her.  We'll see how it goes when I start T and it becomes more "real".

Now I just need to have the same conversation with my dad... 

[Lutin]

That's fantastic that your mum took it so well, relatively-speaking, well done for getting over that hurdle.

There's no chance she could have a quiet little word to your dad about it before you have 'the conversation'? If he hears and experiences her reaction, he might be slightly more disposed to be accepting...

Good luck, though, and well done again!

Will

[Jay]

Congrats Jamie, your mum took it really well by the seems of it.

Good Luck with your dad buddy!

Jay

[Kayden]

She also said my dad would never understand (which I expected her to say)

No one in my family thought my dad would handle it well.  He's actually doing much better than expected.  I thought I'd get kicked out of the house at least temporarily when I told him but he just calmly took it all, name change, hormones, surgery, and everything.

Good luck.  I hope it goes at least tolerably for you.

[Luc]

Congrats, man. You're lucky you have a mom who actually isn't emotionally unstable; when I came out to my mom, she started crying. Every time since when I've brought it up, she's either started crying or yelling. It's fun.

As far as your dad, I thought mine would be the worst one as far as accepting me... while he doesn't accept that I'm trans, he doesn't harass me in the slightest about it, unlike my mom and brother. He's actually become a pretty decent guy, whereas prior to my coming out, he didn't talk to me at all except to criticize me for one thing or another. He has 3 other sons, so I kinda wonder if he's changed his attitude toward me because, whether he likes it or not, he sees me more as a son now, and it's easier for him to relate.

Your dad might surprise you. At least you've got one person who's fairly understanding.

SD

[Jamie-o]

My mom called me this morning and offered to be the one to break the news to my dad.  The coward in me wants to say yes.  The responsible adult in me thinks it would be better to tell him myself.  Not that I think he'll be awful about it.  He probably won't say much of anything about it, but he'll secretly think I'm weird.  I guess I'm just scared of losing my dad's respect. 

On the other hand, he's more likely to be honest with my mom, so if she talks to him, I'll find out what he really thinks.  Don't know if that's a good or bad thing. 

However, the fact that she offered is a good sign, as far as how she's taking it, so I'm feeling a little bit better.

[Kayden]

My mom called me this morning and offered to be the one to break the news to my dad.  The coward in me wants to say yes.  The responsible adult in me thinks it would be better to tell him myself.  Not that I think he'll be awful about it.  He probably won't say much of anything about it, but he'll secretly think I'm weird.  I guess I'm just scared of losing my dad's respect. 

On the other hand, he's more likely to be honest with my mom, so if she talks to him, I'll find out what he really thinks.  Don't know if that's a good or bad thing. 

However, the fact that she offered is a good sign, as far as how she's taking it, so I'm feeling a little bit better.

The other times I've come out (long story) I only told my mom.  This time I told them both and my dad said he much preferred me being open with him.  Also, it's likely he's going to talk to you mom about how he feels about it anyway, so you might still get that bit of information that you want to know.  I think taking on the responsibility of doing it will show that you're mature and sure of yourself, not afraid to admit and own the person you really are.

I don't think you'll lose any more respect by telling him yourself. If anything, I think you'll receive more respect telling him than having someone else do it.

[Ender]

That seems to have gone fairly OK for you, Jamie-o.  I don't think many (any?) parents are going to welcome this kinda news with open arms and smiles, frankly... 

I agree that you should tell your dad yourself & in person.  It's an important thing about you that he's gonna learn, and he should hear it from you first.  And I think it will garner more respect if you 'man up,' so to speak, and tell him yourself.

Congrats, man. You're lucky you have a mom who actually isn't emotionally unstable; when I came out to my mom, she started crying. Every time since when I've brought it up, she's either started crying or yelling. It's fun

I feel ya, Sebastien.  My mom... took the news with some hardcore tears.  The same day, she informed me that her "life was sh*t and going to hell" because of me--something along those lines.  She also is still blaming herself, despite myself, my therapist, and my endocrinologist assuring her that it is unlikely (and cannot be proven) that it's her fault.

[Alyssa M.]

I seriously recommend that you tell your mom NOT to breathe a word of it to your dad until you speak to him.

Yeah, I had a kind of bad experience. My mom told my dad in about the stupidest, clumsiest, and most awkward way she could have (not to mention, completely without my consent ... yeah, I'm still really mad at her). It made it impossible for me to be able to talk to him myself.

Definitely tell her that you'd like them to talk to each other -- but only AFTER you tell him. It's not a burden for you to tell him so much as an opportunity to be the one to share the news with him.

Good luck, and congratulations on coming out to your mom. I know how hard that can be.

~Alyssa