Finding my own voice...

[Miniar]

I thought long and hard about where to post and how to word it, this tab on my firefox has been up and waiting for me to type something into it for over a day. I want to make a post like this, I've wanted to for a while now, it's part of why I joined this forum. I need to talk, to communicate, to put my thoughts into words and have some feedback from people who understand atleast the base concepts of what I'm on about.

I'm a coward and a liar. At least that's how I see it. I am a boy. I am a rather feminine, pansexual, little twink of a boy, but I am a boy. I hide this boy that "I" am under a pair of DDs and a "cute" top putting them on display because I'm afraid.
I live in a small town in a small country where everyone is related five generations back or less and everyone knows everyone even if through a couple of links. But this country is still one of the most accepting ones you can ask for. Gay couples have had the right to marry for over 10 years (I think we're up to 12 or 13 now), even our church is open and accepting. I remember in my early teens there was a show on television that covered the first SRS surgery done in Iceland and I even ran into Anna (who had had it) in a pub in Reykjavík at one point.
I have a wonderful family and I know that no matter what I'd do, my parents will still care about me because I'm their offspring. They are perfectly acceptant of my sexuality and all they want for me is for me to be happy.
In fact, I probably have a much easier time than most people would dare hope for and no matter what happens my husband is perfectly supportive of me...

And yet...
I'm terrified.
Terrified and a little lost.
I don't know where to start. I don't know where to seek help. I do not know how to come out to my parents and have considered just sending them a blunt text message and hoping for the best. I don't know how to tell my employer that the "nice girl" she employs doesn't rightly exist but a front for a bloke that's afraid of showing his face in public. I do not know how to deal with siblings, friends, anyone.
The only people who "know" are my husband, a handfull of friends, and people whom I know only through the internet.
I am so timid, and so insecure in myself I only rarely dare put on the clothes I love at home, with the curtains closed, and sit in an unlit room and hope my sisters don't "show up" like they sometimes do.

I don't know why I'm this afraid. I mean, I have theories as to contributing factors. I've got a 7 year old daughter and I worry her father might be talked into using this against me by his adopted mother who's a complete ****. I live in a "really" small country.. 300.000 inhabitants in the Whole country! I was bullied in school and kicked out of both the men's and women's WCs cause "they weren't sure which sex I was". I have been abused physically, sexually, emotionally and/or verbally, in all of my previous relationships.
I've always known my body didn't fit, but I even figured I'd grow out of it myself. I brushed it off, denied it, compensated and even overcompensated for it, and was never able to become comfortable for it.

I have a hard time seeing myself as anything other than someone who's weak, afraid, hiding himself from everyone and everything.
I want to change. Not just the flesh, but also; I want to be honest with the people I care about. I don't feel like I can work on changing my body to fit me before I've been able to be honest with at least my mother and father. I just, don't know how to get over my own fears and anxieties.

(Think I'll just keep using this thread to update on this part of whole mess, so I don't flood the forums with new posts every time I have something to say.)

[Renate]

Hi Miniar:

Sometimes a bit of resistance is a good thing. It makes us say, "Well I'll show them!"
Having no resistance makes us say, "Jeez. Nothing's in my way. Am I doing the right thing?"
This just goes to show how contrary human beings are.

[Miniar]

So.. I did..
Joining this forum and chat was a way for me to better organize my thoughts/words and I really needed to do so, a little bit, so I could come out to my mother.
My husband accepts me, and that makes life bearable. The only other person who's support really matters most to me, is my mother..

So I caught her on MSNM and half blurted it out..
"Mom, I don't see myself as a girl, I don't want to be a girl, I want to change myself and become a boy and I can't do anything in that direction without you knowing and accepting."
"uhm,.. so.. what about your hubby then?"
"what do you mean?"
"well, what are you going to do with him?"
"Oh he knows, accepts and supports.. so I'm keeping him and he's keeping me, we're both pansexuals you know"
"Okay then. Well, you got my support whatever you choose to do. You'll be my child, son or daughter."
(roughly translated from Icelandic.)

And ofcourse,.. This is what I've been terrified of for years?
*headdesk*
I feel a little silly 'bout being scared now.

[Ms.Behavin]

Congradulations for taking the first steps.  The fear we carry inside, knowing we are different, and hoping for acceptance, but afraid that we'll not get it..  I was afraid for so very long,  yet when I finally faced the music and started to come out, almost everyone was supportive.  That does not work for everyone, but I found that the fear inside was far in excess of what reality was.  No one ran away, no one screamed, OK a few did not get it, but people are people.

You have the support of your family which is a big plus.  Don't go too fast, but maintain forward momentum to be who you are.

Best of luck to you

Beni
Take it a step at a time.

[Miniar]

And again... nothing like having one thread for this. Keeps me from feeling like I'm flooding the place.

Anyway, Tomorrow I have an appointment with a GP and I intend to ask him to refer me to a psychiatrist (of My choosing) to start my work on transitioning...
It requires me to live "full time" as a bloke however, for a year (the Icelandic standard), before I can ask for hormones.

This means I "have" to come out to my daughter! To my boss-woman. To my daughter's school officials. To my family. Etc.. because these are peoples I have in my life who are bound to bump into the male me if I go full time.

Currently, I hide. I put on a "clingy top" over my DDs and paste a fake smile on my face, giggle and play the part. Pretend. I should win a bloody Oscar! So the thought of broaching the topic is incredibly terrifying.
I do do my best to just be "me" with folk, but I still hide this one part of me.. out of simple, basic, fear.
I'm nervous by nature.

So... I could use it if ya wish me luck and give me any hints/tips ya could think of.

[Buffy]

Currently, I hide. I put on a "clingy top" over my DDs and paste a fake smile on my face, giggle and play the part. Pretend. I should win a bloody Oscar! So the thought of broaching the topic is incredibly terrifying.
I do do my best to just be "me" with folk, but I still hide this one part of me.. out of simple, basic, fear.
I'm nervous by nature.

So... I could use it if ya wish me luck and give me any hints/tips ya could think of.

You cant hide forever Miniar, the pain only gets worse, that I do know. Playing the part is soul destroying, pretending to be something you are not only leads to further depression and you cannot hide from the fact you have deep unhappiness.

You are about to face these issues head on and your courage is there for us all to see. The toughest thing you are doing is going for that first appointment, then take it from there.

yes- lots of luck for the appointment, be true to yourself.

Rebecca

[Sandy]

So... I could use it if ya wish me luck and give me any hints/tips ya could think of.

Miniar:

Each of us that walk this path must "step into the abyss".  When you do, you will be buoyed up.  The strength and courage that you need to go on will come from within you.  You know that you can't go back.  You can continue to pretend, but you can no longer lie to yourself.

Know that we here care for you and support you.  You are one of us, brother.  You are loved.

The only real tip I would recommend is that when you do come out to your family, don't overload them with information.  This is a transition for them also.  But, while you have been living with this for your whole life, they will feel blindsided by it.  Give them time to adjust.  You may have to compromise in the amount of time you take to transition, but do not ever lose sight of your goal.  And don't let a compromise make you give up on who you are.

-Sandy

[Nero]

Hi Miniar. May I ask how old your daughter is? Depending on her age, you may not have to 'come out' so much.

[Miniar]

She's 7, and has a "non-specified" autism diagnosis that'll probably be pegged as aspergers.

[myles]

I have two nine year old sons I have been laying the ground work for telling, so far one said he would just call me poppa and held my hand, the other said it would be strange but as long as we were all still a family (I have a SO female). I am going to flat out tell and explain it to them this weekend I'll tell you how it goes. One has Torrets (can't spell it right),  OCD, and ADD what is called an alphabet kid, he's the one that just wants a dad!
Myles

[Miniar]

Sometimes I look at her and just think I should wait another 3-5 years.. 'til she's older.

[mina.magpie]

Sometimes I look at her and just think I should wait another 3-5 years.. 'til she's older.

It's often when kids are younger that they are more open, understanding and accepting of things. In all likelihood this will be a MUCH bigger deal for you than for her.

Either way though, good luck.

Mina.

[Sandy]

Sometimes I look at her and just think I should wait another 3-5 years.. 'til she's older.

If there is a particular issue to wait for, then, by all means, postpone.  But waiting until she's older simply to wait seems a waste.

Children are tabula rasa, they will accept what ever you tell them.  And if you accept yourself and are happy, then she will actually be better adjusted.

Also, no matter what you do, you will still be her mother.  That will never change.  Don't fear that you will lose that.

-Sandy

[myles]

I was told by others who have kids and my gender therapist not to keep waiting. When they are younger they are more acceptng, as mentioned above, also think about how much longer you can wait without it afecting your daily actions. If it makes you depressed or more emtional/cranky then you normally are then you are affecting your relationship with your child everyday regardless of telling her or not. What will make your family a "happy" space?
I will send you a PM letting you know how it goes with my kids.
Myles

[Miniar]

Thanks everyone. Is very good to have people to act as the proverbial soundboard for this stuff.. *hugs everyone, and gives cookies*

[Sandy]

*hugs everyone, and gives cookies*

You're welcome!

-Sandy(Mmmm! Peanut butter!)

[K8]

I wouldn't let the age of your daughter be a factor.  If she was going through puberty, that might be a problem.  I first looked into SRS when I was 40 and my daughter was 9.  Her mother asked me to wait until our daughter had develped her own sexuality, which seemed like a reasonable request.  Now I'm 65 and again looking into transition.  (My daughter is fully supportive, but she did ask if she could still call me Papa.)

I'm learning as I go and am certainly no expert on any of this, but I've found that it helps to be gentle with the people I tell.  I've been thinking about this all my life, but it's new to them.  This is a VERY BIG DEAL to me but generally is just interesting to them.  I think that you will find that the more people you are open with, the easier it will become.

Best of luck and keep us informed.
- Kate

[Miniar]

Okay, there we go, told my dad.
That is to say, I sent him an email.
He didn't freak out or anything like that, but he wrote me back an email going "don't buy it" and "your writing looks female to me, as does your art".
He won't disown me or anything, but he just doesn't care what I do, I'm still gonna be a girl to him.

[K8]

Parents can be tough to change sometimes.  I changed from the diminutive nickname to a more adult one when I was in high school.  Everyone shifted but my mother, who continued to call my by the diminutive until she died when I was 50.  Hang in there.  Your father evidently loves you and will accept you as you are, and that's the important thing.

[Miniar]

I know, I got good people, and I know how lucky that makes me.
Mum went "you'll have to excuse me if I call you she sometimes, 26 years of habit is hard to break" when we went shopping last night.