Transguys

[Elwood]

I find that I tend to prefer either girls or transguys in dating. I don't know how to express this to a transguy without offending him, because the truth of the matter is I am attracted to him because he is as masculine as it gets without having a penis in the picture. Penises really affect my dysphoria, and the reality of the situation is that I would rather be in a relationship where any penises involved aren't real.

Maybe if I had a penis transplant I would feel different. But for now the very thought of seeing a real penis horrifies me because I would be so incredibly jealous that I would probably burst into tears in self loathing.

Is there something bad about me liking transguys because they don't have penises? That and I also find that transguys tend to be more attractive overall in their facial features and body types. But usually this is what transguys don't like about themselves.

I would be somewhat offended if someone said, "I want to date you because you have a pussy," but if they said, "I am relieved you don't have a penis," I wouldn't be as offended. I can understand their relief.

[Nero]

The only problem I could see is of the guy thinking you see him as something less than male. So, if you mention you like transguys more than bio guys, be prepared to go into detail.
I'm not sure the guy ever has to know that you prefer transmen to biomen. He can just know that you're bi and you like men.
Lots of guys are apt to get paranoid or offended.

[Elwood]

Yeah... It's pretty difficult. I don't see them as any "less" man, I just see it as convenient that I don't envy their genitals.

[Nero]

Might be hard for them to believe you, though. The very nature of romance invites paranoia and insecurity.
Then again, there may be other guys who feel the same as you do who would appreciate your openness on the subject.

Question if not too personal - could you date a bio guy if sex between you didn't involve his penis?

[Lachlann]

Well, how often does this question really come up? I don't really think it's something you'd get into a discussion about on a casual everyday basis.

Perhaps you ought to simplify what you mean. You can just say you're bi and if someone asks why you wont go for another guy who is a genetic male you can just say, "I don't like him that way/he's not my type." and it'd be true, right?

Are you actually in a situation where this question is going to be asked often?

[Elwood]

Question if not too personal - could you date a bio guy if sex between you didn't involve his penis?

I still couldn't. Just seeing it create a bulge in his pants would make me nauseous and hate myself.
Post Merge: February 22, 2009, 08:00:57 PM

Are you actually in a situation where this question is going to be asked often?

I don't know... I'm just worried that it might come up. "Why me and not some bio guy?" 

[GnomeKid]

If the why me and not some bio guy question came up you could easily just say "Because its you I like and not some bio guy."  You don't have to emphasize the fact that you wouldn't particularly want to date a bio guy.  What matters most is that its them you want to date and not their genitals. 

[Ender]

Y'know, I've been thinking about the same subject lately and I definitely understand about the self loathing.  My orientation is up in the air right now; somewhere between asexuality and pansexuality--in other words, I'm leaving myself a nice wide berth to work this out.  I really can't comprehend preferring one person over another simply on the basis of parts--ie, what's between their legs.  The idea of being attracted to someone for their personality makes more sense to me--and then sex is merely an expression of that attraction.  The parts don't matter; or shouldn't, according to this theory.  But right now they do.

I can't fathom being with a girl because everything she has will remind me of myself.  And it makes me sick.  Maybe this will change as my body (everything except the genitals) begins to differentiate itself from that of a female.  Strangely, girls have becoming more and more attractive to me as of late.

I can't imagine being with a bio-guy because what he has will remind me of everything I cannot have.  And that doesn't make me feel too good, either. 

Then again, there may be other guys who feel the same as you do who would appreciate your openness on the subject.

If I was with an FtM...  It would take care of some of the problems (feelings of inadequacy) mentioned above.  And I would understand if he preferred being with other FtMs because of their lack of a penis--I would understand on an intellectual level.  And I would appreciate the openness.  However, I think it would still hurt to know that he is (in part) with me because I lack a piece of equipment important to my identity.  Seriously, the situation just sucks, period.  The bottom line is: I'm not comfortable with myself, so I'm finding it impossible to be comfortable with anyone else.  And honestly, right now it's just easier for me to convince myself that I'm some sort of stoic who doesn't want anybody.  So I guess I'm not the best person to give advice on this matter, but I do empathize.

[Mister]

I think that while 'you have a meow' v. 'you don't have a penis' is an interesting way of phrasing it, to me they say the same thing.  If my lady had said she prefers FTMs over biomen (which she does) because of our lack of penis (or presence of a meow), I wouldn't be in a relationship with her.  Period.

Saying either is highly offensive, IMO, especially if it's coming from another transperson. 

[IanToxic]

I actually like other transguys more then bio dudes not just because I'd feel jealous and well honestly I think it'd be a constant reminder of what I'm missing but also simply because I'm more comfy with them ya know get along better with them identify more lol I dunno it makes much more sense in my head.

[Kayden]

Transguys have a special place in my pansexual heart.  However, it's not because of the genitals or body or whatever.  It's because of their perspective.  They already "get" my situation and I don't have to explain myself or my process to them.  It's very easy for me to relate on a deep level to my boyfriend (who's a transguy).  Obviously we have more in common than being trans (not a good basis for a relationship) but it's just an added thing (I was going to say bonus, but I don't wish being trans on anyone).  And I have to say it's nice to not have to explain my boundaries in the bedroom, I just have to say what they are and he just KNOWS why. 

If I had met him and he were a bioguy, transwoman, biogirl, however, I'd still date him/her.  Sure I'd like to steal his genitals if he were biologically male, and I would have to explain more of what's going on in my head were he not a transguy, but I can't say his lack of transgender status would exclude him from my dating pool.  He's kind-hearted, a nerd, and he makes me laugh a lot.  That's what matters.  Genitals, boobs, whatever, don't factor into the way I see a person's identity.

I'm not personally offended by your preferring transguys to bioguys, but I know MANY people that would be.

Once you become more comfortable with yourself, it might be easier for you to date a bioguy.  I'm not saying it would for sure, but that seems to be how it goes for most people.

[sneakersjay]

In female mode I dated men, in retrospect primarily because they had what I wanted and I was fascinated by it and needed to play with their equipment.

Yes, I wish I had what they have; now as I get farther along in my transition, on T 7 months, pass 100%, I can't imagine myself in a relationship with a bio-guy, though I can see myself having a sexual relationship with one.  As far as real relationships I need to be with a woman, find myself attracted to women.  I'll have to make do with strap ons or the Share, which if you aren't too dysphoric about your nether regions makes for fantastic, erm, happy endings and is probably as close to the real deal as there is.  Now if it only came in realistic colors with balls I'd be all set.

It's okay to have preferences, and it's okay to change your mind as time goes on also.  I did find that as T enhanced my bits, I'm not afraid to touch them as I once was.  It feels like a penis now, albeit a very small one.

Jay

[Elwood]

So I have to essentially lie to my partner?

[Mister]

So I have to essentially lie to my partner?

I don't think anyone's saying that.  I've been in quite a few relationships now and I've never had to qualify why I'm attracted to the sex of the person I'm in a relationship with. 

[Jamie-o]

It's not so much lying, as being discreet about how much you share.  Otherwise you can try telling him everything you told us in the first post.  Some guys would be O.K. with that, and appreciate your honesty.  Others would be offended.  I guess it depends on how important it is to you to be able to share everything on your mind.  If it's important to you, then maybe someone who is touchy on the subject isn't the best partner for you anyway.  If you're O.K. with not sharing all your feelings on the subject, then maybe discretion is the better part of valor.

[IanToxic]

I think it's something that doesn't really need to be said. I mean if you were dating a woman I'm sure you wouldn't be like "Hey!, I love you cause you got teh boobies and vagina" XD haha but I mean if they really wanted to know why you liked them I'm sure you could come up with better reasons that are true so it's not really lying 

[Lachlann]

I think it's something that doesn't really need to be said. I mean if you were dating a woman I'm sure you wouldn't be like "Hey!, I love you cause you got teh boobies and vagina" XD haha but I mean if they really wanted to know why you liked them I'm sure you could come up with better reasons that are true so it's not really lying 

Much agreed with this.

When someone asks, "why do you love me?" they aren't talking physical.

[Elwood]

Right, but physical IS indeed part of the attraction. I can't love someone I have no physical chemistry with.

[Mister]

Right, but physical IS indeed part of the attraction. I can't love someone I have no physical chemistry with.

no one is saying you should attempt to love someone you're not attracted to.  only in romance novels and on lifetime to do people read poetry to their lovers about their soft skin, their buxom breasts, etc.

Do you really think someone is going to be like, "Hey Dan, i love you too, but do you only love me b/c of my current genital configuration and your dysphoria about your own?"

[Elwood]

Do you really think someone is going to be like, "Hey Dan, i love you too, but do you only love me b/c of my current genital configuration and your dysphoria about your own?"

I don't know. I'm just worried they'll ask me about it. x_x;

I guess I'm just being a little insecure.