I had a really good clear out of all my stuff yesterday. I had files and boxes going back over many years with documents and notes that I had from my school days and from university. Photos, cards all kind of things where in those boxes.
When I first decided to transition as part of the Phsychiatric requirements, I had to write a summary of my life, from my earliest memories through to the present (although now past) days. It was 25 pages long and although not in the same league as some of the wonderful writers found on this forum, it was straight from the heart, detailed my feelings, X-rated stuff and as one of my friends said" It read like a Stephen King horror novel"
Yesterday I sat and read this again and realized how sad my childhood had been. I guess this is true of many TS in the early years of their lives. Not only do we struggle going through a puberty that feels unreal, but also trying to understand our own sexuality and the feelings that invade our thoughts and emotions, that we are different and things "don't feel right"...
I have asked myself many times the question "why me?, why do I have to be like this?
There are a few theories to why the TS brain develops. All foetuses start off Female and hormonal changes in the womb lead to the development of a male baby physically. It is thought that large doses of Estrogen in the early stages of development may lead to (perhaps) the brain still being basically being Female in nature whereas the body develops as Male (I am not sure what happens in the FTM scenario). Scientists have found that the MTF transsexual brain is more Female like in it's charecteristics than male.
I was born 2 months premature and weighed 2lb 2ozs, which was not an ideal weight to survive in the early 1960's and I actually wasn't named by my parents for 6 weeks (as I fought to stay alive), suffering from Pnuemonia. My mother was seriously Ill after my birth due to a combination of the casaerian section and blood poisioning she received afterwards. For the first 6 months of my life I was brought up by my Grandmother and my Mothers 4 sisters. I barely saw my Father (or Grandfather) as they would always be at work. I found out much later that my Mother had been taking DES (Diethyl Stibine) which was used as a fertility drug, but withdrawn dueto the side efects that existed.
I have 7 cousins, all girls and my earliest recolection of playing was with them and the toys I liked to play with where their toys. I can always remember my Father telling me that on my 3rd birthday, he was bitterly dissapointed that I showed no interest at all in the train set and cars that he brought me.
I even went in the bath with my cousins and started to notice strange anatomical differences that existed between me and my "sisters" andthat I had to stand up to pee, while they sat down.... I didn't like that. I was also dressed differently and I longed to wear the little dresses they had on in those bright colours, but was made to wear black , brown or the staple "blue" of all boys.They where also loved and shown compassion if they fell over, was upset and cried, while I was picked up, but back on my feet, brushed down andtold "not to be a big baby".... mmmm I didn,t like that.
The first real expression of my Gender confusion came when I was 6. Like most 6 year olds I was encouraged to write to Father Christmas and little did I realise that it was my parents who opened the letter and wrote the reply. That year I threw my parents into deep confusion and panic by declaring that for Christmas I wished to have a nurses uniform and a play oven because I wanted to be a girl.
It wasn't until after I came out to my Father that he told me about the trips and visits to the child phsychiatrist and the testing and "therapy" I had when young because of this letter and how upset they had been because of it. I do remember having tablets and some kind of electric shock therapy during this period and contact with my cousins being extremely limited.
I was forced to join the Beavers and then Cubs by my parents as It was thought that contact with boys, playing with boys was good development, although I actually hated this as I could barely relate to how the boys wanted to play and how they could be so mean and cruel to each other (sorry guys... I know girls can do this to). This failure to be able to relate with boys, men is something that followed me through my life as I (still) can't for the life of me understand how they act like they do.
Growing up, I actually found I enjoyed sport and was good at both Athletics and Tennis, this was an outlet for my attention and I reached a high standard during my early teens.... before puberty struck.... I hated it, I loathed it and found it disgusting. Pubic hair was removed and my nice soft skin was attacked by nasty coarse hair and it even had the audacity to appear on my face.... This while all my cousins where blossoming into young women, emotional yes, but physically stunning changes. OMG... why wasn't I like that!
It is hard to describe those years of puberty, change, I became ever so self concious and for someone who was already a loner, introvert this forced me even further into my shell and more trips to phschiatrists and phsycological evaluations.
The one relief I had was that I had started to dress in my Mothers clothes (from about 12) and I found this totally relaxing, calming and in no way stimulating. It was good and many times (especially during school holidays) I would curl up on my bed, cry and wish so hard that I could change and be like my cousins. Sadness, confusion and depression.
The worst thing I remember was getting caught by my Father, wearing my Mothers clothes and being thrashed with a belt and not being allowed out of my room until I swore I would never do this again. I broke my promise as soon as I could, it was the only way to feel any sense of normaility in my troubled life.
After school I went to university and that allowed me a great freedom to live my life and enjoy the solitude in my own room, dressing how I liked. I still excelled at sport, but knew I was different. On one ocassion I was at a tennis tournament and the guys where making lustful comments about one of the girls, her hair and her body.... I just said without even thinking " wow.. I like her dress", not the sort of thing an 18 year old boy is supossed to say. I guess the other other guys thought I was gay, stupid, mental, retarded (or more likely a combination of them all.)
In 1979 I remember seeing a TV programme about a UK MTF TS called "Julia Grant" . It was a 3 episode programme entitled "Sex Change" shown on BBC and followed Julia from her first initial consultation, through to surgery..... That changed my life, the realization that I could escape the prison, life I found myself in.... But that is another post to come.
How much did those early times in my life shape my destiny, I think quite a lot. I feel looking back, I was destined to transition from the time I was concieved and the exposure to an all female environment in my early years probably re-enforced that. I knew nothing different in my early years and we all grow and are influenced by our Environment.
I was never abused as a child, had access to lots of toys (boys unfortunately), loved,and my parents always re-enforced male behaviour in me at all times, but my childhood was sad because I missed out on the experiences, emotions that I would been exposed to growing up as a girl.
I guess what I have written can be translated into many of your lives, the feelings, emotions, confusion, depression... the real tragedy is it took me so long to correct and hurt so many people along the way.
The report I wrote has now been torn up, burnt and confined to history. I no longer need it. It was painful to both read and re-live those memories from over 30 years ago. But it is part of moving on, letting go of the past.
Memories of Childhood Sadness........
Becky
