So yesterday.. I told my neice how I realized I was a woman, and my mom comes in very angry, and saying I should have told my sister first. Its just my neice seemed a lot more approachable, being younger, whereas older people would look into all the grand implications of such a realization, with kids its maybe just kind of funny or startling at first, and then you move on. But I ended up telling both of my sisters as well, and because it was kind of forced instead of being that perfect moment, it did not end up well, I mean I just stated I was a woman and dipped. For me its hard to go into details of why? I don't even really know. But both were very accepting, its just I guess I'm not really into having such a huge discussion with my family about this anyway, just too awkward. I want them to know because I feel like it helps, but its hard to explain.. I'm kind of the quiet different one of my family anyway.
But anyways, next day my dad is saying he's gonna kick me out because I 'don't respect the household', my lifestyle is just too different, I dropped out of school, I don't have a job or desire to get one, basically when I turn 18 I plan to live in a tent and play guitar for what little money I need, wandering the world like the nomads of ancient times, relating to the universe, surrendering to the flow of love. But thats beside the point. The fact that I realized I was getting kicked out, and would be already if it wasn't for my mom, was kind of jarring, kind of upsetting.. as I'm explaining all of this why I think theres other ways to live than commercialized western live, and other knowledge than in school or even what others will tell you and basically getting the 'yeah but get real' thing...
I guess really I just don't see an inherent point to life at times, but I also dont see an inherent point to dying. I figure if I'm here why not work for things that I actually want like opening peoples minds to different ways of life so we can all be more harmonious and dance free in the streets.. figuratively speaking.
So I'm explaining this, and being like, maybe I should not try and just let it happen but end up crying my eyes out and going downstairs. I played some guitar and my mom came down and said things were gonna be okay. I really needed that in a way. She listened to me play which felt really good, even though I couldn't really think of anything good.
Still felt like ->-bleeped-<- though, laid around, wallowing, thinking about goddess and how theres always light at the end of the tunnel, non-duality, devotion/self-inquiry (everything is sex
!!)... all of this yoga stuff I was talking to my dad about as legit "reasons" for doing what I am doing, even though really its beyond reason, its just something I feel is right but I keep hearing why and apparently its not good enough that I have no explanation? I feel like asking him what makes you think you're a guy. People and their god damn unquestionable anatomies... but I digress. Everything happens for a reason.
So I start playing this folk music I picked up from these street performers, like spanish folk music, and just lying on my bed looking at the plant in my window. I decide to get naked and look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I just want to give up all of this trans stuff and be normal at least in others eyes, I dont have the money to get the clothes so I can at least be somewhat accepted as serious by other people, and when even with the clothes it seems so commercialized, really before being a man or woman I am just me, to spend so much time having to justify my identity is too much sometimes, I just want to rest and be comfortable and not following someones instruction on how to be more feminine, or come across right. I don't need the clothes to do that, I just need some understanding from others, I need people to give up their reasons of why everything is the way it is, because really things are just the way we say. Everyone used to believe the world was flat, and it was, maybe it is, who has seen the big picture? Astronauts? Could all be movie effects. I'm just saying theres a lot we don't know, and strange things can and do happen.
But I guess I'm raving on here. The music really made me feel better and coming to this conclusion where I was just me. I cleaned up my room and took a shower, which made me feel a lot better. Then I put on this cute blue striped top I have and some shorts ate an apple, poured some tea and listened to bob marley.
All is right with the world now.
in the end I think my dad just wants me to play the stereo quieter or with more music he likes and stop smoking so obviously, I wish he was more direct about ->-bleeped-<-, but I trust my intuition here.
Things are funny, but just goes to show you, if you hang in there and have faith, you will be rocked to your foundation but help comes when you need it, theres always solutions if you are genuinely searching, and a lot of times it simple stuff.
