Bringing the topic up with my mother was the hard part. Now I need help.

[Firelight]

My mom has known for awhile that I'm transgendered. And as you might have guessed, she has had something of a difficult time coming to grips with the information. I've recently come back to my hometown, and I've been going through feelings of extreme guilt and sadness because I knew that I was hurting her.

Well, we finally sat down and had an open conversation about it. At first tings seemed abjectly hopeless. She flat-out said, "I will never be okay with this," and "I hope you wait until I'm dead before you start thinking about doing anything." I mean, really awful things like that.

But then we got to talking about things a little more. And what I came to realize was that, while she was naturally going through some difficulty with feelings that I might not sire her some grandchildren (which is made more difficult for her because my brother is a homosexual), that actually WASN'T the thing that bothered her the most.

"It would be different if I knew a lot of people that were like this," she said, "Or if I had some knowledge of what this is all about. I just don't have any experience with this, and I don't know how to DEAL with it."

And that got me to thinking. Because she actually raised an EXTREMELY good point I hadn't considered before. I mean, I know such an unbelievable amount of things regarding ->-bleeped-<- and transsexuality that for some reason I was taking it for granted that everyone else I knew and cared about would simply understand it. It wasn't like I was consciously THINKING that, it's just that it never occurred to me to think any other way.

But it made me realize that she wasn't against it because she thought it was wrong or strange, she was having trouble with it because she didn't understand what it WAS. And like every member of my family that knows, she's also under the mistaken impression that she's somehow to "blame" for me being the way it is. As a tangent, it's actually a little amusing (in a sad sort of way) that all of the members of my family have individually told me that they thought they had something to do with the way I am.

But getting back to my point. It was her telling me this that made me realize that the conversation was now open. That she had something she needed that I could offer her in order to help her understand and to help ME understand her.

So, in order to give people a tl;dr of what I'm asking, I'll put it in boldface: Now that I'm discussing this with my mother, which reading materials - such as from the wiki - do you think I should go over with her first?

There is a LOT of ground to cover, and I think I'll email her most of the information I'd like her to see. I want the things I show her to be concise at first, to give her the basic outline of what this is all about and more importantly, how it's no one's fault. And after that first part is established, we can start taking steps, slowly but surely, in the right direction. The key thing is that I don't want to push her, but at the same time, I don't want to sweep this under the carpet for several months, either.

But there is another key matter to deal with, and that's my dad's religious objections. This is an entirely different subject, so I'll probably address this in another topic later on. First thing's first.

Thanks for all of your help, everyone.

[kae m]

PFlag has a couple things they publish, a few of them are free to download.  The Trans Forming Families book is a great one for family (you can't download it, but it's worth buying IMO).  From the website:

Trans Forming Families, Real Stories About Transgendered Loved Ones is probably the best first book for parents and others struggling to understand. This 3rd edition is a reprinting of the 2nd edition, but with the resources appendix updated. Here is a compilation of stories by parents of young TGs, parents of adult TGs, spouses, partners, grandparents, siblings, and friends describing their respective journeys from bewilderment to acceptance of their transgendered loved one. It includes brief auto-bios by transgender people themselves, trans experiences as parents, articles by therapists who work with trans persons and parents, trans glossary, trans/family bibliography, and a list of TG organizations.

I didn't actually have much luck finding online resources to send to my mom.  It's been easier to talk to her and tell her what I'm doing now, what's next, and why.  It also put her at ease knowing I've connected with other TS people and built up something of a support network on my own.

[Renate]

You know, you could always get your mother to participate in the forums as a member.

Some of the best interactions here at Susan's have been between parents and the community.

She could get to know some of the people here and realize what a positive thing transition can be.

[mina.magpie]

Renate makes a great point.

I'd suggest you give her a book to read. "She's not There" was a brilliant read, and I gave my mom that to digest. Also, if you can, download "Middle Sexes". It's an HBO documentary that covers just about everything in about an hour. Great introduction to the subject.

Online, I'd suggest you print out the basic wiki pages on both terms: transgender and transsexual, and then maybe a few of the others - Transition, Etiology, maybe a few others. I used Wikipedia, though I'm sure the wiki pages here are equally detailed. I stuck the doccie on a VCD and gave everybody those four documents to read, which helped alot.

Mina.

[tekla]

I'd say, try to find one source you really like, that speaks to you and for you and use that to begin with.  Information overload kills more conversations than not enough info.

[Sandy]

Another book to recommend would be "True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism for Families" by Mildred Brown

I've read this book and it not only provides information about being transsexual, it also shows that it happens to many different people.  There were several parts that seemed to be lifted right out of my life.  It may help her understand that it just happens, there isn't anyone to "blame".  Mothers often feel that they somehow caused the problem, it's just their way.  Helping her get over the guilt may be the best thing.

-Sandy

[Zelane]

Google Lynn Conway. Her site its great fo this kind of things. And has the topics on a sequential way.

Then for more clarifications you can use the wiki in this site.

[JENNIFER]

My mother never actually got to hear from me directly that I was Transgendered.  My father twigged that i was "suffering from transvestitism" and that i should remove all items female from the house that were not supposed to be there i.e., not my mothers/his wife's etc or else face the consequences.

Those consequences bear no thinking about, my father was a 'National Serviceman' and deeply proud of his military background and he had great hopes that I would follow him into the RAF.  I have inherited an interest in aviation from him but little else gives me reason to honour him following the 'consequences' that followed.

My mother was a deeply observant Catholic Irish woman. I say 'was' not knowing if she remains alive. I have had no contact with either parent for over 30 years and have no care to see them.  It became clear to me that my mother had fears of what the church would do to her, the reaction of the priest and although she threatened me with excommunication, she feared this for herself above my own welfare.

I just wish I had a parent that was of a temperament to help their child with what is a terrible conflict of gender at a very troublesome time that is puberty.  I desperately needed a parent to talk with, to listen to me and even after a lashing out of emotional bile, understanding and offer a measure of support.  Clearly, internet and current recources were not available at that time though knowing my parents, it would have made no difference to them.  I was a let down, a sinner and was to be disposed of within the family.  I was happy to oblige them as soon as I attained legal age of majority and have not looked back.

If you have a good relationship with your parents, work as hard as stink to maintain it because without it, your life becomes that much more uncertain.  It will not not end as such but will lack the richness that family life offers.   Telling anyone that you consider yourself opposite to legally noted and apparently obvious gender is hard enough, telling that person that raised you is too much for many of us and impossible to some.

Firelight?  You have done the hard part by informing, the educating follows but I urge restraint.  Do NOT attempt to swamp with facts and figures and thoughts etc, your parent needs time and space to connsider all aspects of what is perhaps a huge readjustment in how to deal with someone she thought she knew inside out.

Good luck to you and yours and keep smiling........Jennifer.

[Sandy]

Firelight?  You have done the hard part by informing, the educating follows but I urge restraint.  Do NOT attempt to swamp with facts and figures and thoughts etc, your parent needs time and space to connsider all aspects of what is perhaps a huge readjustment in how to deal with someone she thought she knew inside out.

Good luck to you and yours and keep smiling........Jennifer.

That's a good point.

This is a transition not only for you, but for those around you.  But you have had all your life to adjust to that and come to terms with it.  This is a new situation to her and she will need time to adjust.  As well as your family and friends.  Give them space to understand and give them as much or as little information as they want.

But one thing you need to make clear, though however subtly, is that this is not something that can be ignored.  It can be delayed somewhat, but it won't go away.  And the only known cure is to transition.  This is a condition like diabetes or cancer that gets more acute over time.  And in many it can be fatal.

-Sandy

[paulault55]

Like Sandy suggested "True Selves" is a really good book, i read it then when i came out to my stepfather, he's 89 and pretty religious, i gave him the book to read. I let him read it at his own pace and every few days would ask how he was doing and if he had any questions, when he had finished reading the book i asked again if he had any questions and he said no, so i initiated the discussion. A week later i asked if he would like to see a picture of Paula and he did so i showed him.  Like others have said take it slow, don't overload her with too much at once. 

Sandy, like you parts of the book could have been written about me too.

Paula.