gender identity so far from ideal...

[elegance]

I really don't know what to do.  I realize that it's unusual to be what I am.  I wanted to speak here, because I think the people here understand me best of anyone.  I am not completely transsexual.  I'm genderqueer.  This is so difficult for others to understand and for me to explore. 

To be fair, I have to explain.  I am physically a 25 year old full figured, 5 foot tall, soft and feminine-looking woman.  I don't mind being attractive as a lady, and I do not consider myself fully transgender, largely because a) I am able to consider myself beautiful in my own skin, though not in a way that makes me fully happy, and b) it is not possible with modern technology to surgically make me become what I want to be.  Therefore, I know that if even the slightest bit of change took place, even if people only changed how they saw me or treated me a little bit, it would please me so much.

I identify and ideate male.  Specifically, and perhaps oddly, I identify with fairly effeminate males.  However, I receive real pleasure from hearing or imagining being called 'my brother' by my sister, or if a lover called me his or her 'boyfriend' or 'sir' in a dominant relationship.  In a similar way to men who find themselves more beautiful in lingerie, I have never felt as sexually attractive as when I wore a boyfriend's boxers and nothing else up top.

I'm really looking for advice.  I know that I have been struggling for years with the emotional uncomfortableness of not being in control, and of "knowing" I would never be treated, never experience life in the same way I wanted it.  I have been told how to move more like a man, how to act more dominant or more alpha, but in the end this kind of advice only helps to a point. 

Tonight is St. Patrick's Day.  For the first time ever, when I went out drinking with my sister, I truly tried to just behave as I wanted to be: dominant, male, but controlled and kind.  I felt my relaxed attitude made me fall under the radar since everyone still saw me as a woman, and though it helped my sister to keep her happy and in the center of attention, I may have made a mistake in being too open with strangers.  I did not, ever, really have a good time.

I want to know if, from people who are like me, or who are even more in trouble, being totally transgender, if you have any advice for those like me.  I know there are a lot of transgender men who are tall and muscular and strong-featured, and I feel for you, despite how beautiful I would think you are and DO think you are.  I have never heard of anyone like me and have no idea how to deal with being soft and very short and feminine looking but NOT feminine inside.

You can't imagine how painful it is to stand there and be talked over or to struggle thinking, how can I express to others what I want to express while still being there for my girl... or probably you really can.  That's why I'm asking.  I need advice.  How can I continue to try to work on becoming more what I want to be, gender wise and attitude wise?

How can I express masculinity in this five foot tall little body without being violent, or mean, or any of the other things that to me are just dumb guys, not the kind of Man I want to be?

[Renate]

That is a good question, Elegance. What is masculinity without resorting to some hackneyed stereotype.

[Lutin]

Hi Elegance,

Yes, I completely understand. I'm 5'2", and significantly shorter than all of my friends, so I know the irritation and pain of being talked over the top of (my friends and I were talking one day and one of them turned to me suddenly and said "Wow, you really are small, aren't you?". Yup, thanks ), and of "being soft and very short and feminine looking but NOT feminine inside."

I identify and ideate male.  Specifically, and perhaps oddly, I identify with fairly effeminate males.  However, I receive real pleasure from hearing or imagining being called 'my brother' by my sister, or if a lover called me his or her 'boyfriend' or 'sir' in a dominant relationship.  In a similar way to men who find themselves more beautiful in lingerie, I have never felt as sexually attractive as when I wore a boyfriend's boxers and nothing else up top.

I've always felt more attracted towards, and identified more with, effeminate guys. Not absolute flamingly flamboyant queens (not that there's anything wrong with them ), but certainly not what society would consider "manly" men. I don't want to be seen as the next Mr Universe, something along the lines of a real-life version of my avatar would do just spiffingly.

I dream (both awake and asleep) about my family referring to me as the "eldest son", and of my little brother referring to me as his "big brother" (even though he's twice as tall and three times as wide as me ). And if I have a partner, wherever they fall in the gender spectrum, I don't want to be their girlfriend, I can't see me being their girlfriend. I would gladly be, and can see me being, a boyfriend, though. I've daydreamed of little else for about 10 years now, of being seen as a guy, of being the boyfriend, and being referred to as "brother", "sir", "him", "he", etc., and just being taken by the world as a man.

And topless + boxers is alright, but I tend to be more of a topless + jeans guy myself. Certainly when there's no-one home (and I *know* there's going to be no-one home for a loooooooong time ) I'll wander around in my wonderfully-unfeminine grey jeans and belt with no top on. Gets a bit dangerous, though, 'cause I get used to it, and so when I get dressed after a shower I'll pull my jeans on, then completely forget about the top half until my hand's on the doorknob, then realise a T-shirt or something *might* be a good idea, if only for the sake of the bio-male half of my family. Topless with PJ pants is good too, that's how I tend to sleep.

As for advice, though... I don't know how much this will help, but in the Sexuality forum there's a thread "Do you like to be 'taken'?", and I think on page four people start discussing physical size versus being more dominant (in the bedroom and in life generally). https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,15695.60.html

Otherwise, I'm really not sure, sorry. From what I've read and heard, though, I think it's mainly just a mind-set and confidence thing.

Sorry, that was very long-winded, but I hope it helped.

William xox

[Eva Marie]

From what you've described you sound kind of androgyne. The neither/both/girly/manly/genderfluid place that many of us find ourselves.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

[Nicky]

Hi Elegance, nice to meet you!

You don't sound all that unusual to me. I'm hearing that you want to be treated as a man and you identify as a man but you don't feel you fit the stereotypes for men. It also sounds like you feel that what you want physically is an imposibility because of your height and softness. Is that a good summary?

There are no 'half' transgendered people. We are all under the same umbrella, we are all totally transgender. But I think I know what you mean, you don't quite feel at the same end as a lot of transexuals. A while back I used to feel like a fake, that maybe I was not 'trans' enough. I learnt that this was all just self doubt and self learning, and that it is ok to second guess and question ourselves. I'm gender queer myself and have a non-binary identity, yet I desire to have a female kind of body without a genetalia swap. Just using this as an example that we don't all fit in nice little boxes.

I think one starting place might be to try and look past what you think a man should be and go for the man you feel you are. There is no reason why you can't be an effeminate male. Heck, if you wanted you could be a transexual gay male drag queen/cross dresser who is submissive but moonlights as a dominatrix . Don't limit yourself to how you think things are supposed to be.

My advise is this - have a chat to a gender therapist. They wil help you sort out your confusion. Don't under estimate the power of hormones and surgery to transform you physically if that is your desire. Despite not looking particulalry manly it is possible for you to come out to those close to you and have them treat you like you want to be treated. At the end of the day it all comes down to being true to yourself, acting in a way which feels real for you. Buy male boxes if you like the feel, get a packer to see what it feels like, walk with a swagger if it takes your fancy, get some male shirts to try on. There is lots you can do that might make you feel better or help you find your future path.

I think you have made a huge step - allowing yourself to explore how you want to be, allowing yourself to feel who you want to be. These things can take time, continue to experiment, explore and ask questions. We would love to help you along as best we can and you are always welcome to share your troubles or triumphs here.

[Osiris]

And topless + boxers is alright, but I tend to be more of a topless + jeans guy myself. Certainly when there's no-one home (and I *know* there's going to be no-one home for a loooooooong time ) I'll wander around in my wonderfully-unfeminine grey jeans and belt with no top on. Gets a bit dangerous, though, 'cause I get used to it, and so when I get dressed after a shower I'll pull my jeans on, then completely forget about the top half until my hand's on the doorknob, then realise a T-shirt or something *might* be a good idea, if only for the sake of the bio-male half of my family. Topless with PJ pants is good too, that's how I tend to sleep.

lol I completely understand that. I actually paint topless. Put on some old painting jeans, take off my shirt and go to work. It's very comfortable.

I also understand your situation, Elegance. As transition isn't in the cards for me at this time I'm just trying to live as I want without my physical gender getting in the way.

I think I've been able to naturally fall into the role I want, at least with friends. They don't treat me as a "girlfriend." I've often been referred to as Sir, and occasionally Master. <_< *ahem*

But I don't really know how to explain how I come across more masculine. Some of these people have seen me in full on girl mode, and yet still treat me like a guy... Maybe it's just attitude.

[imaz]

Hi Elegance and welcome

All sounds pretty normal to me. Like you, but inversely, I identify with masculine women and it took me a long while to understand that. Personally I couldn't care less about underwear. I too am wearing boxers as I type this but don't tell anyone!

Seriously, there is no correct way to be a man, a woman or an androgyne. When we realise our situation I believe there is a tendency to subjugate our birth sex, which has caused us much unhappiness, in favour of an idealised "target gender". Some of us remain so, others become more flexible over time. After all, all of us, whatever our gender, are a physical and psychological composite of both male and female.

[Michelle.]

James Madison: "self-made" immigrant to colonial America, American President, Statesman, arthur of most of the Federalist Papers (the defense of the US Constitution pre- ratification) was five foot four inches tall.

Thank- God for short men!!!

[Jaimey]

I know what you mean.  I don't mind my body so much.  I can live with it (also female bodied).  Actually, I identify really closely to what you said, especially:

I identify and ideate male.  Specifically, and perhaps oddly, I identify with fairly effeminate males.

I highly recommend you explore the Androgyne forum.    You aren't as alone as you might think.

Oh yeah.  As far as being perceived as male without violence, etc...honestly, speech and mannerisms will do far more than acting out a stereotype.  If you're putting on an act, people will know.  Just be natural.

[Kaelin]

It may be that you are in fact an androgynous male.  You feel male, but don't want to adhere to the stereotypes and would rather act according to how you want to.  That's great.  Of course, it can be frustrating for you, because many people tend to judge on stereotypes and physical appearance (and you will probably still come off as female based on you being a "feminine-looking woman" in the first place).  People that refuse to accept your identity (especially if you clarify for them) will exist, but these people aren't going to be your friends anyway.  Just keep at it.