Hey everyone ^^
It's feeling a bit anxious to post here.. so here umm ^^ I will just try and do it!
I'm a 19 (20 next month!) years old female whose body does not agree with her.
I started HRT about a year ago, I remember when starting it, being so happy of finally starting to walk towards having my life.
I must confess though, I am not doing it under a doctor, my parents do not accept me to do it at all and I have to do it in a sneaky way, as well as because the nearest doctor that handles it is a private doctor, about 5 hours away with public transportation and I can't afford the private pricing and the regular trips.
My life were a mess until sometime around starting HRT, I used to be constantly depressed, my family doesn't understand me and think I am sick and treat me in such way instead of helping me.
The feeling of being trapped in a terrible ugly body with people looking at you as something you are not, expecting things from you as they think you are something else, wanting you to behave completely different and keep mocking and teasing you, as well as trying to control you and change you, was just too much, and still is at times.
My true light in this world is my boyfriend which I met over the Internet.
He's from another country (but coming to visit me in 9 days from today!), and my parents don't know about our friendship being "beyond normal", and how can I tell them anyways? I am sick enough, in their opinion, they will never allow him here if they knew.
But still, he understands me and loves me, and I love him and wouldn't know where I would have been without him in my life.
I used to be very worried about this meeting, I mean, omg they way I look.. but it seems that I am bothered about those things more than he is, which makes it easier.
But I just wish I could look like I want to, not like I am.
I am also very worried about my progress, I mean I started at age 19, I am about a year on HRT, I have been reading on people who already have B cup by then and I am not sure if I can even fit an AA bra!
My face turned much less masculine. but sometimes I am not convinced that they did, but I might just be a pessimist! several friends who saw a before picture said they changes are remarkable, but I don't see much feminization, just drop (which might be significant) in masculinity.
And when reading about how people at my age should have good results and also reading about those who advanced far more than me in same time and those who are 5 years or more and still barely fit an A cup or look feminine enough just scares and depresses me.
And then there is my frame which I believe is big and wide which I really REALLY hate.
I just don't know what to do, how things will go, if there is still a chance for me to go through it naturally (I am scared of the thought of having implants, I just hate the thought of having something un-natural in my body or being fake).
Maybe it is too late, a year gone and if I am falling behind, maybe my body won't be able to do it on its own.
Ok! I will stop talking about that subject before I will bring myself to tears again and break act exactly how I am trying not to act ^^
All my life I've been a depressed lonely person, it is time to put that life behind!
At least my voice is good ^^ or so people say (though I hate it that I feel that I need to pay attention to it so it won't slip and become blurahghehrtgfe!)
Other then that, I am a self-teaching computers programmer, focusing on graphics with DirectX.
My boyfriend and I are having fun making our own game together ^^
I am hoping to move to England sometime around/after summer this year, if I can get a job. (which also scares me! as some of his friends, most! don't know the whole story about me and at this rate, being a year and a half, or more, on HRT by the time I move, doesn't feel to be enough, if ever will!)
The thought is exciting because my boyfriend is truly amazing!!! and I always wanted to move to England ever since I was a little girl (I think it is because of the Olsen twins movie: Winning London)
I think this is enough for now ^^ I have a habit of making posts into a book sometimes!
Hopefully someone could shed light on my development, I also hope that I could get confidence (which I am completely lacking!!!) about my life and getting the life and body that I want.
Still feeling anxious ^^ but it was fun posting this chapter of the book!
Edit: So many more things I wanted to post! but I noticed I am getting emotional and a bit repetitive so it was time to stop for now!
