What shocks me is all the negativity.
Me: "I'm getting out of the absolute hellhole I live in and moving to a place where acceptance and a real life might be more than just a pipe dream. Can you suggest places to look to meet people/look for work/get my feet wet?"
Response: "California is awesome, but you're A) Poor, B) Probably stupid and under-qualified because you are, as mentioned previously, poor, C) better off anywhere else, ANYWHERE else, because you being stupid, under-qualified, and poor means you'll never find work."
Me: "Well, I AM moving to Cali, so disregarding all that (besides which Asheville is really no better), can you suggest any of the things I asked about -- ways to meet people, introduce myself to the area, or look for friendly jobs before moving?"
Response: "Well, okay, we tried to be nice, but if you want to be stupid we'll put it into small words for you. You're not awesome enough for the awesome of Cali, go away."
I mean, really. What is the negativity about? A lot of the responses sound ANGRY that I'm not running screaming away from the idea of moving to Cali. That or Angry that I'm not bowing to the superior wisdom of everyone else. I mean, hi, have you met me? I'm trans. I'm not known for bowing to 'superior wisdom' types...
As to the one response I got re: Asheville -- yes, if you can be a student in Asheville, Asheville's student/youth scene is awesome. Students generally get most of the expenses paid and downtown Asheville (near the college) is fairly tolerant of anyone and any thing. Freak Capital of the US, an actual city nickname.
But that's about 20% of the population of 80,000.
Rent in the suburban areas of Asheville, where I live now, starts at 500$ and goes up to 800 for a one or two bedroom location. Downtown, in the tolerant area of town, it can be DOUBLE that. Asheville is home to some of the wealthiest and most affluent snowbirds in the country, and the real estate values are through the roof. I have friends who share a 2 bedroom house three ways AND put up someone living on the couch because rent is so obscene. Simply put -- I cannot afford an apartment (of my own) in any part of the town that is within walking distance or 1 bus trip of downtown. Fresno is not in any way shape or form different.
And as for the acceptance factor and Trans-people... Omaha, where I came out and went full time, was more accepting by a factor of 2 or 3. In Omaha people who truly accepted me treated me as I presented -- a normal young woman. People who didn't understand but tolerated me for one reason or another did the same. People who didn't accept me simply said nothing one way or another. In Omaha the trans-scene was dynamic, open, OUT. My first night 'out' a bunch of girls and I went dancing with some of the local femme lesbians and had a nice time. A few days later on my birthday we went out again. I was still uncertain of how the law regarded trans people at the time and was worried about getting into trouble, so on the night I came out, while en femme, I chickened out and ducked into the men's room when I thought no one was around (there was a long line at the women's, and I was sure everyone could read me blah blah) I chickened out. I was surprised to find a BUNCH of guys in there, and I went and made a bee line for the stall and tried to be as dignified and quiet and in and out as I could but a couple of guys at the sinks stopped talking to look at me as I was walking in and said 'hey, sweetie, -- use the ladies' room, you're much too pretty to be in here.'
In Omaha I had a life. I was normal to anyone who couldn't read me and to most of the people who could.
Then I moved to Asheville, the supposed city of tolerance, freak capital of the world, and my life went in the crapper. I did manage to secure a decent job when I first moved here and it was prosperous. The work I was doing, however, did not leave me very happy with myself or my life, I felt like the work my company did was at best dishonest and at worst downright shameful, so I left, confident that my high-flying resume and educational background would land me another job, because I had never had a problem finding one before.
Yes, to the sneering comment from before, as a matter of fact I DO have a fine educational background, I am a published author, I have been a store manager, an assistant manager, a department head, and I have been promoted (within a month or two if not sooner) at every job I have ever worked at -- until I came here. I have more qualifications for a person my age than most of my colleagues did at twice my age.
So I quit my job and lived on my savings looking for another one. And it took 18 months. For 18 months I walked all up and down every street of this town and papered the local businesses with my resume, my applications. I tried work I was familiar with at first -- management positions, department heads for retail chains, pizza and fast food management, customer service supervisors, IT technical supervision, etc. Everywhere I went I was called back and offered an interview by someone who had received my application or resume and was interested in meeting. I went to over a dozen interviews in the first month alone.
Not one of them would take my calls after the interview. And I know I interview well. All my life I've been told (before Asheville, including in Omaha while I was presenting full time as a woman) that I interview very well, that I come across as very confident and articulate and intelligent, a natural leader and full of self-motivation. I would call these people, leave messages, call again, leave another message, e-mail, visit their offices, call again ... NOTHING. A couple people would drop me a discreet e-mail and apologize, explain that the position was filled. At first I questioned my interviews, then I questioned my resume and applications (had I made some glaring error, or was one of my references sabotaging me?), then I started wondering -- is Asheville not as accepting as it claims to be?
It started fairly slow, I started pinning down people trying to find out why I wasn't being hired for positions that I was told over the phone that I was a shoe-in for. Finally, a couple of hiring managers told me they were unable to hire me because I was overqualified or because their supervisors had selected another candidate, and that's when I knew something was up. It took a while but I managed to get a few more honest answers -- one executive staffing firm flat out refused to hire me because they had previously had a bad experience 'with someone like me.' Another hiring manager explained how she had tried to pitch my employment to her supervisors but they weren't willing to accept that a 'guy who looked like a woman' would be using the women's bathroom. A couple of jobs hired me on for a brief period of time until an HR official noticed me (and the as-yet-incomplete nature of my surgeries, as relayed by my Gender Marker on my ID) and had me dismissed for -- in one case, 'improper dress' (not pertaining to the MALE dress code, which does not permit men to wear female clothing.)...
18 months. FINALLY, nearly shaking in absolutely nervous fear, beyond broke, having moved into a tiny trailer with holes in the walls, holes in the floors, no heating or cooling, no bed, having sold all of my possessions, no water heater in the trailer -- I convinced a Burger King manager to take a chance on me. I think he pitied me, actually, because I'm sure I probably looked nervous as all get out. He was going on about how overqualified I was and how they could never offer me what I was used to making and I pretty much begged him for a job.
I no longer own any clothes that aren't work clothes. I had to sell them all to raise rent money. My water doesn't run any more, so I buy bottled water. In the winter I have to buy two space heaters and pay twice as much for the power as I do for the rent. I have a computer and that concludes my list of personal amenities. I don't have a car, a bike, or even a set of skates. I have one pair of shoes. How many women have just ONE pair of shoes? I make minimum wage plus a few cents and by mid-July the one raise I was able to eek out of this place for never going home early, never skipping work, never refusing to work overtime, and being the perfect super employee, will vanish when the government raises the minimum wage. The store has confirmed they will not adjust my salary to reflect having been given a raise before the government increases minimum wage for the grubby high school boys who call out every other week, go home early, and do nothing while they're here.
So yes, I am the lowest of the lowest. I have been lucky so far not to be homeless again (As I was briefly after my parents kicked me out in Iowa, just before I went full time.) Yes, there is a trans-support group here in Asheville, but it HIDES. There are no outings, no joyful gatherings at a public place, the group is so hidden and so guarded that you have to petition for access to KNOWING when they'll meet again. There is no openness here, no acceptance of MtFs. MtFs are regarded as freaks to the freaks who call this city their home. Either you pass and you're lucky, or you don't pass and you hide.
On the street I can pass. With my hair down, softening the lines of my face, and real people clothing on (which I don't own anymore), I pass well enough for straight men to flirt with me and ask for my number FIVE times before I have to tell them to just leave me alone. But when I'm at work, in the drive through, wearing clothing that is intentionally designed to hide sex and gender, pulling my hair back (which highlights all the unfeminine bits of my facial bone structure) and my voice starts to scratch and tire out after 3 days in a row of 9 hours of 'how can I help you today?' a day... I don't pass very well, or for very long. And people will spit on me. Literally. People will figure it out while I'm all smiles and helpfulness and throw their drink in my face, or complain (LOUDLY) to the manager about indecency and how offended they are. Or they'll make lewd sexual jokes about my dick. Even my co-workers, who are supposed to operate under a no-harrassment rule, are the same way. There is NO acceptance here, not for people like me. If you're FtM, sure, you'll fit right into the hyper-masculine culture, even if they do clock you. Half the cisgendered women who run around here look more butch and male than FtMs after transition.
This is not life. This is a hole which I managed to dig myself into. I don't have the money to move ANYWHERE. I barely (and not all the time) make enough money to keep power, phone, and rent paid up. I buy bottled water to wash with and walk two miles carrying my laundry so that I can clean it.
So is California -- where I have a BED to sleep on instead of a broken mattress, where minimum wage is more than I will make AFTER the government raises it in July, where people can talk about how parts of the area are not as accepting as others, where rent is exactly the same -- an improvement over my current situation?
Yes. Unquestionably. I'm being offered the chance to get my life back. I'm being offered room and board for as long as it takes me to find a job and a living situation of my own? How often does a second chance like that come along? My SO took pity on me and instead of making me pay my own way out west is taking me with them. Is this the ideal way to do it? No. But is it better than this? YES.
So I came here to ask for help finding work (3 months before I even move) and meeting the local community. And instead people go on about how stupid this is and how under-qualified and unemployable I must be if I work at Burger King. This forum is generally considered a SUPPORT group place, right? Not a 'step on you for daring to try something new' place.
I grant that it's late and this post has a lot of vitriol in it that comes from being treated like human refuse all night at work. And some of the responses to my post have been genuinely trying to help, even if only to warn me off of what they see as a dangerous mistake, and I thank you for that. But reading comments about how I must be without job skills and uneducated because I work at Burger (Btw, Snob much? You didnt even put 'King' in after 'Burger'. Pot, meet Kettle. Kettle is black...) and how stupid and 'unrealistic' I must be for refusing to 'see reason' ... seriously ticked me off.
I assume the majority of the people who post here are transgender in one way or another. What part of risking much in hope of achieving more is unknown or new to you?
But rest assured, all my naysaying 'thee be stupid' commentators. You have achieved one result by all of your negativity. You have ensured I will never come here for advice, support, or questions about anything again.
