First, sorry to the mods... I joined the forum while at 'work', with my mother hovering around the shop, so I was a little rushed. No excuse, I know, but I'll do better.
Thanks for the welcomes, all. It's sort of refreshing-- I mean, you always get welcomes when you join a forum, but I've never introduced myself as Judas, so it's like a whole new thing. Anyway, you probably won't like me on longer acquaintance-- I'm sarcastic to my core, and that's how most of my aggressive behavior manifests... in the form of verbal whiplash. Yeah. Somehow, I doubt I'll get much trouble from my peers... mostly, they're a little afraid to get me angry, since I have access to monster-sized textbooks, and am well-versed in their judicious application to the back of a head (no concussions so far, at least...).
It's more my family I'm worried about, like I said. But, not being a very patient guy, I just gave up and told my mother tonight. Since I'm more comfortable in motion when I have to talk about something personal, we walked along the road for about two hours, both ways. I don't think she understands the position, although she says she does, but she's willing to let me 'pass' as male if that's what I want. We had some miscommunication in the beginning (she said I was defensive, I said I wasn't defensive, I was cautious; she said I was obviously feminine, I said I'd been putting on that act for years-- overall, I think I freaked her out), but in the end she just put it down to 'well, whatever, you're my kid, but it's your body', which makes me, if not happy, than at least a little closer to sane. Honestly, I think she's scared to make me depressed, since I was hospitalized for it about a year ago. So far I haven't gotten her to use to right gender pronouns (but hey, we only had this discussion a few hours ago), and I didn't even bring up the subject of my name-- I'll let her call me by my childhood nickname, which has a masculine spelling even if it's not how I identify... I think it'll make my transition easier for her to handle.
My kid sister, I have no idea how to approach. She's really impressionable, and she's always looked up to me and tried to emulate me. Ironically, in the last year
she's the one who has been acting masculine (which actually put more pressure on me to be feminine, which sucked), so I guess she probably has some idea. We talk about video games, and what girl's we're into, and she hates me about half the time because I can't help but tease her, and overall I treat her more like a kid brother, but she acts like one, so it's all good. Obviously, though, if I'm gonna be passing I need to actually tell her.
We live with my grandmother, who is ancient and crazy, but we should be moving out soon, and honestly, I don't care what she (or the extended family in general, really) thinks about it. I wouldn't have any trouble telling them about it-- easy as pie, because I don't care about their reactions. But I'm being a sissy little coward when it comes to my father, and mom'll probably tell him before I do. It's just.... I mean, most of the time he thinks of me like a daughter, and it's dead obvious (and I did my best to make sure that was the only way he thought of me), but some of the time he treats me like... if not a son, then a very tomboy daughter; I've always enjoyed a pretty good relationship with my father, and I don't want that the change because I decided I couldn't keep pretending to be his 'little girl'. So, yeah, sissy coward = me.
Yeah, that was a rant... you'll discover I do that alot, but I don't do nearly as much actual talking (unless I'm being Bubble-Girl),so this is when I get it all out. Now, in replies:
Helen W-- I'm worried that a gender therapist would tell me I'm not a guy. I don't have early childhood memories, and that's what a lot of the therapists base their diagnoses on (or so I've gathered). Also, when I was in the hospital, they diagnosed me with bipolar... and I have to wonder if they're gonna call that the cause of my 'gender dysphoria'. Mom would like me to see one right off, but I think I'd rather have a little time to get back into my own 'mental skin', even if I don't have the right body. A lot of the super-femme things I did have become ingrained, and even though I cringe every time I do it, and it's a huge embarassment to my male ego, I still do some of the super-femme things (like posing... I knew a cheerleader in sixth grade who taught me to 'walk like a girl', and among these lessons was the 'at ease' position that makes me look like a runway model... it's a nice trick, if you want to seem super-femme, but once it becomes habit, it's hard to stop). Judas, as a guy, was pushed as far back as possible to allow for a flawless female performance, and I need to get to know myself again-- I think a therapist would just see me doing my super-femme routine out of habit, and tell me I was obviously a girl. Anyway, I'll obviously seek gender therapy eventually, but I want to live as Judas for a while first... unless you have ardent protests to the contrary, oh wise one.
Girls know best about these things; and on that subject, what goes on inside a chick's skull? C'mon, gimme a hint-- I never know what they're thinking, and they
know it, I swear.
Jaded-- yeah, man, don't worry about it. Judas is derived from Judah anyway-- you were closer than my mom may ever get.
And I think it depends on your definition of feminine. I do a lot of acting, like you said, but inside my skull I'm an aggressive, territorial, over-confident guy (although I admit, I like fashion... just... men's fashion, when it's on me...)-- I just also do a lot of artsy things, because my female body is the least coordinated thing on the feild, and I kept getting run over in cleats. I needed a hobby, and writing/doodling kinda became the main option. I like to watch sports, and I think if I ever learned to move like a cohesive person instead of having to focus all of my attention of each body part to make it move the right way, I'd probably like to play a sport... swimming was the closest I ever got. Good full-body exercise. But I digress. I told you you'd hate me on longer acquaintance.
Jillieann-- oh good, so I'm not completely crazy. I thought it might've been all the drugs my dad did in his teenage years, somehow transfered genetically.
If you ever manage to break that mental barrier, drop me a line. I'd like to know that it's even possible for a real person, and not just some statistic in a magazine.
Peggiann-- You make a point there, and I guess that's sort of how it happened with my mom. I don't know that she'll ever really think of me as Judas, but she's willing to accept that I do, and I guess that's a start. If she hasn't filled my dad in by tomorrow, I will... when I work up the courage. (sissy coward, sissy coward, sissy coward... come on, suck it up, boy.)
Kismet-- Ah ha! I love the raptors. Although, if you want to get technical (which I usually do) the Jurassic park raptors were more the size of Utahraptors... they just thought velociraptor sounded cooler (and they were right, so...). My toy of choice, at roughly age seven, was the red power ranger. My mom bought me the pink ranger, and I pretty much killed it (she was tortured to death and then lowered into a volcano... or... y'know, thrown against the wall and smashed into lots of tiny pieces), so she went back and got me to red one, and I had the thing for years. Wow, I had forgotten all the stuff I did with that thing. I vaguely recall ninjas in the back garden. Anyway, nice to meet you, and thanks for the accidental trip down memory lane.
Now I'm off to lurk on your forums, and haunt your chat.
And in a side note, I love all the emoticons. They amuse me.
edit- "verbal whiplash" - Nero
