Doubts?

[K8]

Do the doubts ever go away? 

I'm fairly new to this process.  I've told most of my friends but not my family.  I've had two laser treatments on my face but haven't started hormones yet.

Most of the time I live life and work slowly toward being the woman I always wanted to be.  Most of the time I think I'll be OK even if I get stuck along the way – living full time but can't get surgery for some reason and so am still male on my drivers license and passport, or not being able to live full time but just being that weird guy in town who dresses as a woman sometimes.

My friends are supportive and encouraging.  I've run into several people I don't see very often and who don't know what is going on with me.  They've each remarked at how happy I am.  (One said I was blossoming.  Another said it was obvious the Lord was blessing me.)

But several times a week I wonder: What am I doing?  Am I crazy?  Will I ever be able to pull this off?

And other times I am absolutely sure this is the right path for me – even if I can't follow it all the way for some reason.

Do the doubts ever go away?

- Kate

[Steffi]

I'm 54 years old, 20 months in role, 8 months on hormones and not a good Pass.

My friends are supportive and encouraging.  I've run into several people I don't see very often and who don't know what is going on with me.  They've each remarked at how happy I am.  (One said I was blossoming.  Another said it was obvious the Lord was blessing me.)

But several times a week I wonder: What am I doing?  Am I crazy?  Will I ever be able to pull this off?

And other times I am absolutely sure this is the right path for me – even if I can't follow it all the way for some reason

That sums up how I feel too. I think that doubts are normal and sensible since we are making a change to such a major and fundamental aspect of our lives, especially for those like me for whom Stealth is not an option.
Ultimately though, I have no desire to continue life if it must be in a male role so in reality there IS no other choice.
Having settled that basic question there is no option but to grit my teeth and get on with it.
I desperately wish that I was smaller and prettier but in reality most natal females have a list of things about themselves that they would change if they could. I am prettier, younger looking and have better legs than about a quarter of the women my age - I'd definitely rather be me than be the young lady who works in my local shop and to whom nature has not been at all kind.

All of us only get this one ride on Life's merry-go-round. You obviously were as unhappy as me before or else neither of us would be doing such a drastic thing. Transition is never going to be easy, but it is not something we have chosen from some impulsive whim, it's what we HAVE to do. 

As you say, you are very early in the process. Nothing is irreversible until SRS or until you have been on hormones for so long that damage to your male bits has become permanent.  Being on oestrogen and having no testosterone pumping round your body will change how you feel and whilst it is perfectly sensible to have some doubt, don't let it get you down or shake your resolve.
When you've been on hormones about 6+ months, you do need to make an assessment and affirm your choice, but until then I think it's better to put those doubts aside and just embrace your new life as much as possible.   

[Janet_Girl]

Girls,

No the doubts won't leave till you total accept who you are.  Looks, body type, voice, movements.  But it is easier than you think.  I am at the point that I have weeded out all the padding except for the behind.  I never had a big butt to start with. 

I would rather go thru the rest of my life as an ugly woman, than one more moment as male.  Just keep going forward.  It does get better.

Janet

[Wendy C]

Girls,

No the doubts won't leave till you total accept who you are.  Looks, body type, voice, movements.  But it is easier than you think.  I am at the point that I have weeded out all the padding except fo the behind.  I never had a big butt to start with. 

I would rather go thru the rest of my life as an ugly woman, than one more moment as male.  Just keep going forward.  It does get better.

Janet

Janets last paragraph and Jessica's statement on keep moving forward are both very valid points. What you perceive yourself at this juncture does not neccesarily mean that you will never progress further. It takes time and most of has been where you are now. You will have many doubts on a variety of issues, but you will in time progress and look back with amazement on how far you have come. Hugs

Wendy

[FairyGirl]

I would rather go thru the rest of my life as an ugly woman, than one more moment as male.  Just keep going forward.  It does get better.

There is a lot of wisdom is those statements. When I began my transitional journey, if I had some lingering doubt or worry I would then try to imagine going back to what I was before. The thought of that was so horrible and depressing that it made any and all doubts pale by comparison. This, coupled with a lot of inward reflection, has now resulted in the most wonderful and peaceful feeling that I am where I am supposed to be, doing EXACTLY what I should be doing. Whether I "pass" or not, or whether anyone else likes it or not, is not even really part of the equation because I'm doing this for me and not for anyone else. In my humble opinion, regrets for things done in the past are not nearly as painful as regrets for things undone, or for a life unlived. It does get better. 


edited to add- I don't mean to sound insensitive to other's feelings about it. I know how hard it is to express your true feelings sometimes to those you care about.