how not to spill the beans? :s

[Yochanan]

I pride myself on being a very honest person, so having a mother who's stealth is hard for me. I don't go out and shout to the world, "My mother is my father!" but it comes up in conversation with friends, and what am I supposed to say? I tried to hide the truth from my driving teacher--told her I lived with my mom and went to visit my dad, but then she started questioning me about my little sister and my name and stuff, and I broke down and explained. Luckily she was open and thought it was really interesting, but not everyone is, or will. I wish I had said from the start that
Renata is my aunt, so I wouldn't have this problem, but switching to that now would probably hurt her feelings, which I don't want to do, but there is no way I'll call my bio mom anything but my mom. It's also confusing keeping track of who knows what and who doesn't know anything, and... I don't know. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I just don't know how to keep the beans unspilled! =[

[Red_Rachel]

I guess I don't completely understand your situation. But my suggestion would be to respond, "It's complicated." if you are pressured into answering questions. Or perhaps just suggesting that you don't want to talk about it. Most should take that as an answer.

[mickie88]

i oth somewhat understand your problem because everyone has this problem with me, and i would just do the same as Rachel suggested and just tell them it's complicated, telling some people you'd rather not talk about it works too. i'm glad your teacher found it interesting, others like your friends will not always find us so interesting. but you already know that.

[Yochanan]

I tend to start off by saying it's complicated, then we get into the "complicated how?" questions and people just press and press. I'm not a very strong-willed guy, I don't know how to say no. =/

[Constance]

This might seem to start a bit off-topic, but bear with me.

I recently attended the high school graduation party for the daughter of a friend who was my therapist when I was in high school. I was connected with this therapist through Suicide Prevention. Against what is normally protocol, we continued to be friends after I was no longer in counselling.

We agreed on a story before the party, in case anyone asked how I knew J_____ and her family. Perhaps this is something you could do with your stealth mother.

Would it be possible to discuss situations like the one you described so that the two of you could have a pre-agreed upon story that helps maintain the stealth?

[Jay]

I would just say that I have two mums..

Its possible.

Jay

[myles]

Sorry that is a hard one. I would go with the 2 moms story. I think it's hard to ask kids to keep a stealth secret.
Myles

[Constance]

Hmm, maybe Myles and Jay are onto something. Disregard my drivel.

[Yochanan]

When we first got back together in 2007 we tried to come up with stories. We touched on the two-moms-adopted-me story or even two-moms-plus-sperm-donor story, but we decided that I look too much like both of my moms for this to work. I suppose this could work if I'm just talking to my friends and not actually there with both my moms, or if I'm with just one of them. I've tried to talk to both of them about it, but Renata says that it's no one's business and mom tells me just to say Renata's my parent. I don't think either of them quite understand the predicament I'm in.

[mickie88]

unfortunately, i do understand the predicament that you are in. NOBODY wants my kids calling me Mom. it's a SIN to them to even think such a thing. they have one mom and one only. and i'm trying to steal the titles of wife and mother. trust me i'm trying to steal nothing, she didn't want to look like a lesbian, so i told her to tell some people i was her sister or partner, but even those have been extremely too hard for her. she can't even refer to me as Mekayla without bursting out in tears, even though she now has a man in her life. my daughter oth, most of the time just tells her classmates that her parents have come to pick her up, which makes me proud. my three year old oth, it's hard to explain to him anything other than daddy, i just don't like him doing it repeatedly and at the top of his lungs, so entire stores can hear. i would really like to know or figure out what to do or say when people don't you referred to as mom, etc. etc. etc.

[tekla]

I always thought that 'it's complicated' was a nice code for "I'm really not getting into that with you, and I'm not sure I could explain it if I did, so quit asking."  And I think that's done more with a look then with a no.

But, you could go with "Ones my mom, the other is my birth mother, who is also mom."  It true in a degree.  If they ask (and they will) which is which, tell them you don't know.  They never told you.  That ought to end that topic.

Especially, when you look at them and say, in a real slow patronizing voice, "I told you, it's complicated."

[TamTam]

Who cares if you look like both of your moms, though?  I mean that shouldn't make any difference at all.

My little brother is adopted from Colombia, and my dad is Italian/Eastern European.  Yet everyone [who didn't know better, and even some who did] could not stop going on about how much my brother looked like my dad.  Impossible, right?  They weren't biologically related at all.

I have a gay cousin who has two children with her wife.  My cousin is the biological mom.  But their kids actually look more like their adoptive mom than their biological mom.. they have the same distinctive front-tooth gap that she does and the same kind of hair.  It's a little strange how that happened.

What I'm trying to tell you with these examples is, just because you look like both of your moms makes absolutely no difference in whether or not someone will 'believe you' if you simply say they're both your moms.  What are they going to do?  Argue with you?

[Venus]

Hello I am new here.  I have been stressed out lately about names (mummy / dada) and found reading this thread a bit helpful.  I have a lot of questions about parenting and being transgendered for anyone who is willing to answer.  (Please send me a message and I will also try to post).  I have found a lot of information on the internet on how to tell your parents that you are trans but nothing on if you ARE the parent and how to deal with parenting issues.  My daughter has 3 female parents and 1 male parent in her life right now.  Thank you. 
Also I have found that "I'll tell you later" works well because then the people you never see again don't find out and the ones you do end up telling are people you know and trust.  Take care.

[TamTam]

Hi, venus. Welcome to Susan's.  There are a few other posts around here made by parents, if you want to look around the SO forum a bit. Since you are still new here, you won't be able to reply to any messages people send you, so your best bet might be to just post for now.

Here is a nice thread to start you off, by another parent.  I'm not sure if it will help since I don't know your situation, but at least you'll see you're not alone here. [And even though the thread is old, the person who started it is still around.]

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,39344.msg256617.html#msg256617

[Mister]

i don't think you should have to go as far as to mention sperm donors.  That seems crazy.  A plain old "Yochanan has two mommies" should suffice.  If it doesn't, start asking prodding questions into their personal lives to shut them up.

Way back when, there was a horrible sitcom called 'My Two Dads.'  Perhaps you should reference old episodes for their strategy.

[Venus]

Thank you.  I am still figuring out your site but I'll get the hang of it.
I am new, no one knows me so I am going to post a quick story and then you will understand what kind of parenting advice I am looking for.
I was sitting on the front lawn watching 3 of my kids play when a neighbour kid came over.  The neighbour kid had met me before but not my partner.  I heard the neighbour kid ask my one daughter "who is that" while pointing at my partner.  My daughter proudly answered "my step-mom".  About 20 minutes later I heard the same kid ask my daughter "why is that little girl calling your step-mom 'dada'?"  My daughter shrugged her shoulders and the neighbour kid left.  I didn't know what to say to the neighbour kid or my daughter or my step-daughter??? 

[Tina]

I am also new and have to tell my daughter whats going on.  Nothing is set in stone as of yet but she needs to be told.  It's not a mommy/ daddy issue for me.  Still not a easy thing to tell your kid.  My boyfriend is TG?  And the funny thing is she knows what TG is.  I might be reading alot more into this then needs to be.  Good luck let me know