So why not?

[Jill]

If you are in this forum, chances are you are a non-op transperson.   So, 1) why not, and 2) how do you cope?

[Just Kate]

Wow what difficult yet important questions.

1) Why? There are many reasons, but here are the main two.  I believe I would be able to offer more to this world remaining in my birth sex then to transition.  I wanted to learn how to deal with the symptoms of GID so that I might be able to offer and alternative to transition to others.

2) How do I cope?  I have learned about coping techniques from many, but for me specifically, I am open about myself with basically everyone.  I talk about it with my close confidants when I get down about it.  I try not to put myself into situations that provoke my GID symptoms.  Most importantly, I never ever try to pretend I do not have my condition - that only makes it worse.  I am still experimenting with other techniques - the current one is to try to present more androgynously but still identify as male.

[Osiris]

Why not: To be honest. I don't feel the need to transition at this point. Yes I want to, but the girl in me doesn't want to go. So now I'm trying to find balance where I'm happy being both male and female.

How do I cope: Go insane every once in awhile.



Random: Interalia, you have a great avatar. You're very beautiful.

[Joseph]

1) While I am sure I have GID, I'm not convinced that transition is the right route for me.  Transitioning will cause new problems and I'm not sure that I want to swap GID with those problems.  Basically I am heeding people's advice about transitioning being the last resort.  I feel like I need to give life in my birth sex my very best shot, using all the coping mechanisms I can find.  Right now I have some hope that it will be possible for me to live a fulfilling life even with GID.  I am 99.999% sure the GID will always be there, but I'm not convinced that I will be happier if I transition.  Yes, I would be much happier if I looked male.  But the whole host of other problems I know I will encounter (and some I may not anticipate) will bring a lot of unhappiness and stress that I don't currently deal with.  *shrug* FYI I am trying to consider all my options.  I'm seeing a therapist and plan to see an endo to ensure I can be on T.  I'm also trying to read and consider all the relevant medical research to date, as well as what supposed "reparative therapists" have to say.

2) I think Interalia summed it up quite well but I'll put it into my own words. 

- I've realized recently that I have to intentionally avoid situations that will make the pain from GID more pronounced than necessary.  This includes both the big things (where I live, where I work, who I choose to associate with) as well as the smaller things (what events I attend, what movies I watch, etc). 

- I am considering being more open with my good friends about what I am going through so they will better know how to care for me.  Some close friends already know everything and have been a big help.

- I wear the most comfortable clothes I can find that are still socially acceptable. (I know, much easier for me as a FTM than a MTF...I can basically wear guy clothes and everyone just assumes I am a tomboy.  I think some even applaud me for not giving in to society's expectations that women wear tight and low-cut clothing.  Little do they know, haha.)

- And finally, I think it's good to remind myself from time to time that I have a lot to be thankful for and that no one has an ideal life, even though it may appear that way on the outside.  Even if most people do not have GID, they still have other huge problems that I don't have to deal with.  We are all broken in our own ways.  I saw this story on CNN yesterday about a family that has to go to great and exhausting lengths to ensure their 4-year-old boy doesn't come into contact with things that trigger his life-threatening allergies.  (See http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/03/24/teddys.struggle/).  While the pain from GID is probably worse, I wouldn't necessarily want to trade for that problem, either.  I have been blessed with a great family, great friends, excellent health, a good education, respect from peers at work, a number of talents I appreciate, and I've never had money, drug, or alcohol problems.  Except for GID I have to say my life is positively ideal.    And I probably need to remember that more often.

Sorry, this went longer than I thought it would.  But in addition to answering the questions I guess I wanted to get my thoughts in order for my own sake as well.

Joseph

[Cindy]

Similar to Janet, but also I have an enormous commitment to my disabled wife. She accepts me and love me but would have problems with me being female 27/7/365.
It also costs a fortune for her therapy and care, and I cannot afford to lose my job.

How do I cope. I don't. I just don't have a choice.
How do I cope? This place helps a lot. I'm also in a TG club and they are very supportive. My family knows and accepts me.

Yea
Cindy James

[Osiris]

One thing that I think helps with coping is being out. Coming out to my family as bi-gendered has helped a lot. I have the freedom to be me, whatever that might be, there's definitely a big weight taken off when that happens.

Of course it depends on who you're with and how accepting they are. I know that I'm very fortunate.

Ok almost 4 in the morning, time to stop rambling inanely. *passes out*

[Susan]

If the only reason you have not had GRS surgery is the cost, then you would be pre-op not non-op...

[imaz]

Why not? I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma as a teenager and my spleen was removed which weakens my immune system. SRS would be dangerous for me from an infection perspective.

How do I cope? Well sex is sex, and anyway to be 100% honest I prefer natural genitalia, be they male or female. This is just my personal preference and not intended to cause any offence.

[mina.magpie]

Cost, but also the fact that I'm not really all that convinced current SRS procedures are all that good. I have major concerns about colovaginoplasty, which is what is offered here in ZA, but other methods like penile inversion and vaginal construction from the scrotum and stuff all have issues around lubrication and maintainance and the fact that your body regards it as a wound and the possibility of tissue becoming necrotic and a bunch of other stuff.

Basically my own fears then. They're probably totally unjustified, but even if I had the money, I would have to think long and very hard about going through with it. I want the right genitalia with all my heart, but if it comes at the cost of my health or even my life, and it is still just an approximation, if a very good one ... yeah. Lots of pros and cons to weigh up.

Mina.

[Cindy]

Susan
I think you have opened a minefield. And thank you BTW for this site and your moderation of it.

Are non-ops pre ops? certainly some who have responded but if a non-op in a bad emotional and financial situation becomes into a "good situation" has that changed the psyche or the the opportunity, and they can become ops. I don't see myself as non-op, but more unable op. So if we want labels, do we have unable ops are a sub-species of ops and non-opps are a separate phylogeny?
We can construct a phylogenic tree of CDs, CDs part time, CD's full time, CDs fetish. Cds non-fetish. Tgs: Tgs-hrt, TGs nonHRT, Tgs op, Tgs non-op. I'm not sure if this is useful. Yes, I can see from your side as the site owner you are trying very hard to accomodate all groups. You have more experience than me.

But are we different?
I love interacting with FtMs and MtFs on that board. Never met an FtM before I came here. Their problems are so relevant to mine but opposite.

I think I'm getting off the point but labels are not always useful.

My Love to you
And my thanks for having this site that has made me want to live.


Cindy James

[imaz]

Why does it matter Janet?

At the end of the day these things really aren't important, it's the human being that counts.

[Just Kate]

This is a forum where transsexuals who are unable or unwilling to transitition, or have SRS/GRS can discuss the issues they face in their daily lives. This is their area, give them the respect each of you expect for yourselves.  I have also created a non-op peer support group.

There is very little information out there for non-op support.  This is one of the reasons I think this is a bold and wonderful move made by Susan.  For those of who are transitioning, or at least intend to to, they have plenty of support around the internet and can have hope that their GID symptoms will one day be significantly lessened by transition.  For those of us who identify as having GID but will not transition for one reason or another, there is little to no support for these people. 

For instance, how does one cope with the distressing feelings?  What techniques enable one to live a relatively normal life?

It seems the only answer ever given for these questions is "transition" but we need other answers.

This is why I imagine that when this forum refers to 'non-ops' it is specific to people for whom transition is not their first option.

[Just Kate]

Rereading Susan's statement, I guess you are right.  I was assuming 'non-op' referred more to people who are not transitioning than those who just aren't having the surgery.

[Yochanan]

1. I'm very young, not exactly sure what I am (though it definitely isn't female), and am refraining from pushing for transition because of my parents/family.

2. I comport myself as an androgyne/genderqueer, as trying to "pass" stresses me out and worsens my depression. I try to be myself. Also, I get stoned and drunk a lot, which helps.

re what makes a non-op a non-op: I'd get top surgery if my circumstances allowed, but they don't. When/if they ever do, I'll go for it. Does that make me pre-op? I don't have any kind of transition plans, and don't plan to make any plans unless something changes for me.

[Osiris]

I think what Susan was trying to say is that if GRS is in the plan, meaning if you aren't planning on living your life (possibly indefinitely) without GRS then that makes you pre-op.

Of course financial situations might change and then GRS might be back in the game plan, but the same could be said for mental or physical reasons. Basically for whatever reason if you're planning on living without GRS that should count as non-op.

[HellHound77]

I am non-op because I haven't seen a therapist or doctor yet. And I don't have near enough money.

[Zelane]

If the only reason you have not had GRS surgery is the cost, then you would be pre-op not non-op...

This is something in which I agree with Susan. If you arent having bottom surgery because of the costs? Well, I dont feel you are non-op Because if you get the money you will do it.

I believe non-op means more like Imaz was saying about not being able even if its wanted. Or like others were saying that they doesnt feel its the right thing. Or even more simple, they are comfortable like this without the surgery.

[fae_reborn]

I'm not really all that convinced current SRS procedures are all that good. I have major concerns about colovaginoplasty, which is what is offered here in ZA, but other methods like penile inversion and vaginal construction from the scrotum and stuff all have issues around lubrication and maintainance and the fact that your body regards it as a wound and the possibility of tissue becoming necrotic...

What Mina said...I feel that the current procedure is too dangerous for me, in fact I think it's pretty brutal as far as medical procedures are concerned.  Since my orchiectomy, I've become comfortable with my genitalia and my dysphoria is manageable, so further surgeries are not necessary.

That's the main reason why I'm non-op.  For me there's too much a risk of complications and/or death from the procedure.  The other reason is cost.  Since I'm already comfortable with myself, I can use the money I would've spent on surgery on something else, like building a self-sufficient off-grid home. 

How do I cope?  I try to be myself.  That's all anyone can do.

[heatherrose]

If the only reason you have not had GRS surgery is the cost, then you would be pre-op not non-op...

I was thinking the same thing.

I'm a pre (prince in money colored armour,
sweeps me of my feet and whisks me off to see
"The Sorceress of Trinidad") op.

[cindybc]

Hi all, I don't realy care getting into this kind of topic, to volatile. But if I got this correctly, non-op means no plans for SRS for health reasons and what ever other reason's this person may have, "period!"
If SRS is out, one can always take the alternative of orchiectomy, a less major surgery

Pre-op means wanting and planning on having SRS no matter how long it takes to have the money or find the means to have the surgery. Some even sell their bodies on the street for the money for SRS.

Post-op means after surgery.

PS, Colonovaginoplasty is not offered anywhere I know of in US and Canada. They use the penile inversion method here I believe it to be a good deal safer method.

Cindy