Well, it wasn't actually a therapy appointment -- the place I'm going to is a gender clinic that's part of an LBGTQ center, and it was an intake where they asked me a whole bunch of questions about trans and non-trans related things, and now what they do is discuss it with the whole gender clinic staff and decide whether they feel they have the right services for me (the woman assured me they would) and then assign me to a therapist and *then* I start actual therapy.
But, it was the first time I've talked with anyone in person about this stuff and it went pretty well. The woman was nice and I felt comfortable talking with her about my experiences and feelings and so on. It was kind of funny because we had to go through this formalized intake questionnaire and we were both agreed that a number of the questions on it didn't even make sense as words in the English language.
Towards the end (it was about 2 1/2 hours from start to finish) I started getting that particular feeling that I get when I seriously contemplate really going through with this (which I was), and it's a very weird feeling which I can only describe as the nerves in my bones start tingling (do we even have nerves in our bones?).
I went dressed male as usual (well, girl jeans), but I spent most of the weekend wearing girl clothes in my room. I stayed in my men clothes for a while, but I was wearing the new shoes I just got in the mail and I kept looking down at my body, seeing girl from the waist down and male from the waist up and it started getting to me so I went and put on my bra with fake boobs and a girl shirt and then I felt like I could breath right again. I haven't usually been like that, I've mostly been okay with going back to wearing guy clothes for a while, but I think the more comfortable I get in my girl clothes, the less and less I want to give them up when I don't have to.
I've been sort of on the edge about whether I really want to go through with this all the way, but I don't think that's going to last much longer. I think I want to do it for sure. I think
. Of course this isn't factoring in the cost of it all which I may or may not be able to manage with or without help from my parents (who have no clue at all about any of this so far).
Anyway, kind of went off track from the therapy subject so I guess in closing, I'm super nervous and excited to figure out what happens next.
p.s. I've spent a terrible amount of time trying various shoes from various places to get ones that fit, and I've hit on the motherlode. Suprise: kmart.com. They have stylish shoes up to sizes in the 10-12 range and maybe even higher, at unbeatable prices and then you get to save even more with specials and sales (buy one, get one 50% off, and everything is under $25 to begin with). What's even better is that their normal width shoes fit me fine even though I normally wear wide shoes in girls -- in fact they fit better than the shoes that are actually wide! Even better, you can join this thing called
kmartsmartrewards.com for free and that lets you get expedited shipping on everything at
kmart.com for free! It's really a super deal!
I'm totally obsessed with shoes at this point -- I have 6 pairs in my closet and I don't even have anywhere to wear them out to (yet!).
Okay, just had to share that.
